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HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK

OK that's the starting siren so the crowd's gonna start moving at kind of a lurchy herky-jerky semi-walk-hop toward the starting line...cellphone set to stopwatch...

I know I can do this one faster than the one two weeks ago OUCH thanks for stepping on my foot kid jeeez look where you're OK there's the start line CLICK start timing and slip phone down jogbra because there are no pockets in these jogging shorts that'll fit the phone note to self make sure future pairs of shorts have pockets because I'm going to feel silly reaching down into my bra to check my times maybe I won't bother...

So I'm jogging just easy jogging made it to 3/4 mile before I had to stop and walk last weekend at the Komen 5K so this time let's get to a mile. Slow and steady, one foot in front of the other, light and tall, big invisible balloon pulling me straight up from the top of my head, step step step DODGE AROUND PEOPLE WALKING THREE ABREAST too many people crowded too close together at the beginning of these things...

Jogging on the outside of the road over here where more people seem to jog instead of walk, I don't know why that is but it is...just focus on keeping breathing under control...oh man what am I doing I'm not a runner or a jogger so what in the HELL am I doing out here at the asscrack of dawn for the third weekend in a row doing another 5K?

Step step step step wish I had an iPod all the cool kids have iPods then I could load it up with music and listen to whatever I wa...ohforcryingoutloud what am I saying this phone is supposed to be able to play music even though I never really bothered to figure it all out now why didn't I ever stop to think about that, geeez I'm a moron I need to make a few playlists but if I do I'll have wires that'll look like they're running from my tits to my ears OH OUCH OMIGOD THAT POOR LITTLE KID JUST FACEPLANTED FOUR FEET FROM ME don't look back I don't want to see what happened to him oh ow the splat noise he made smacking into the pavement was just awful...

Step step step step poor little guy I'm sure he's going to be all macho and try not to cry but damn he went down hard must be 8 or 9 it's so humiliating being passed by all these kids OK, getting a bit on the winded side now, wonder how far in we are, not even close to a half mile I'll bet but the field's thinned out a lot and it's not nearly as claustrophobic as it was back there.

OK, no music no iPod cellphone must upload music to cellphone  but until then maybe I can play a soundtrack in my head...Tears for Fears is kind of a good pace so start humming "Shout" and just jog through it Good LORD look at all those people stretching out for ALL THOSE BLOCKS ahead of me ugh waaaaay up there where they're turning left, that must be close to the end of the first mile isn't it?....

[insert panting]

OK I can seriously do this (uh oh, no, that's not even close to the end of the first mile) Friday I made it to 3/4 of a mile without walking so I can do this I can totally do this...OK just make it to that third palm tree up there step step step step...tall light balloon Shout Shout Let it All Out These Are The Things I Can Do Without Come On I'm Talking To You Come ON...OK made it to the palm tree now how about just to that restaurant up there a half-block ahead with the blue awning...

[more panting]

OMG I think I see a chick up there PANT yelling out times PANT so I've just got to make it to her PANT and now a racewalker's saying "Hi" and I say "Hi" back PANT and hey oh my god I'm PANT nearly a mile in and I just managed to PANT exchange three or four pleasant sentences PANT with a couple of people PANT

"Twelve Thirty Seven!"

But I know I was a little bit faster than that because I was way far back from the starting line so it was probably closer to twelve flat... OK that's a full mile aaaaaaaaaand.....sllllloooooowwww......walk....walk....PANT... Just for a couple of minutes maybe one up to that sign that points PANT the way to the hotels at the end of Shelter Island PANT man it's a perfect morning for doing something idiotic like jogging with 4,000 other people for no good reason other than the champagne brunch at the end PANT Ah much better, breath's getting much better, ready to go in just a couple, I jogged 2/3 of the Light The Night two weekends ago so surely I can do 3/4 of this one Ready? OK? GO AGAIN! Just to the fourth streetlight on the right...

[repeat ~3X] 

So, ultimately, I finished yesterday's 5K in just under 39 minutes, which for an old out-of-shape evening clove smoker who 4 months ago couldn't jog more than 60 seconds at a time? Isn't so bad.

Two champagnes into the champagne brunch, my event buddy and I decided to do a 10K on Thanksgiving morning. I'm blaming the champagne. Because there's no other rational reason to do a dawn-asscrack 10K and then go home and start making the turkey.

Who am I, and what have I done with Verbal Remedy?

As we finished the eggs and lox and breakfast burritos and yogurt and fruit and potatoes and pancakes, we watched the winners in each age class get their medals.

It's rather humbling to see an 82-year-old woman collect her prize for running the same course YOU just did...15 minutes faster than you'll EVER manage to.

I know there are some awesome runners on OS. I bow down to you.

Dunno how you do it, but I'm going to try to figure it out over the course of the next year, assuming I don't accidentally kill myself tripping overa faceplanted kid first...