You may not have heard yet if you listen to the Liberal Media™ instead of Fox News, but This Great Nation™ is seriously threatened by at least three different groups of people who Aren't Like Us™.
- A filthy swarm of Mexicans who are having anchor babies, stealing our jobs, and won't learn goddamned English.
- A shadowy host of fearsome Muslim terrorist-wannabes lurking in our very midst (including, but not limited to, the ones who wanna teach their future-suicide-bomber young'uns how to cook and swim a mere four blocks from the Hallowed Ground™ of Ground Zero™)
- Those swishy, showtune-loving', leather-wearin' gay-marryin' fags. Always with the gay-marryin' fags.
Now, I'll bet if we looked hard enough, we'd find other groups of people who threaten The American Way of Life™. Fifth, Sixth, maybe even Seventh and Eighth Columns out there, poised to do us in. But let's just start with these three.
You know what we oughtta do?
We oughtta open some goddamned camps, that's what we oughtta do.
My fellow citizens, I've got good news.
Thanks to the level-headed planning and foresight of America's greatest military, civilian, and judicial minds during WWII, we've already got established permission to round up and detain suspicious folks who flock together and threaten this white, Christian, English-speaking, heterosexual nation.
You heard me right.
In Korematsu vs. United States, the Supreme Court ruled 6-3 that This Great Nation™ has every right to round up, relocate, and keep a damned close watch over people who might be a threat. Or to whom we might be a threat. (The arguments for internment and relocation ran the gamut from "We're keeping us safe from their potential traitorousness" to "We're keeping them safe from anti-Japanese sentiment, because really, we just can't expect people not to go on wholesale Japanese-hunting parties.")
Short version of the Korematsu decision: Internment camps are totally constitutional.
The Korematsu decision has never been overturned.
SCORE, baby.
Another historical artifact that just needs a bit of Wite-Out and Revision
So, I'm thinking we'll need a couple of different kinds of camps. To start.
- Clearly the first pressing need is for Muslim Camps. I mean, sure, religious freedom and all, but if these people want to go and worship some false idol named Allah, they ought to have the good will and decency to do it where we can keep a close watch on them. I mean, do we really know what their Imams are saying in all those mosques across This Great Nation™ ? Especially the ones that aren't within a ten-minute walk of Where The Twin Towers Used To Stand™? I think the Korematsu rationale could be easily applied here. Yeah, I know, it's a War on Terror™, not a War on Islam (yet), but still. Slam dunk.
- Next up: Illegal Immigrant Camps. Now, I'll be the first to admit, I'm not the first person to come up with this idea. That'd be Marg "Barking Mad" Barker, Tea Party Candidate for state house in Florida. While I admire Marg's into-the-box thinking, these camps may be tougher to justify under the auspices of Korematsu, because we're not currently at war with Illegal Immigrants™. Or Mexico. (I'm assuming when she talked about Illegal Immigrants, she meant the Mexican ones. Not the ones like that Canadian guy I dated a few times in 2003 who was here illegally and actively hiding from Immigration.) I suppose we could declare war on Mexico to speed up the process of removing this particular threat to Our Way of Life™ (Note to self: Send that suggestion to the White House. And by the way, bitches: It's called the WHITE House for a reason).
Which leaves the Gay Camps.
Unfortunately, that one's a real stumper. I'm not entirely sure how Korematsu would enable us to Take Our Country Back™ from those rainbow-flag-wavin' homosexual freaks.
OK, for that problem, maybe what we oughtta do is build a bunch of really awesome-looking buildings that look like chapels and tell 'em those are special places where they all can get Gay-Married.
Then when they get there?
Gas 'em.
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Comments
Well she did say there were probably others ;).
Isn't it sad when this kind of post can be funny for the sheer frustration it embodies? We can't rage, that'll throw us over some line someone has drawn in the sand, we can't spend 24/7/365 crying, we don't have enough fluid in our bodies to sustain that - what's left? Laughter.
Even if it is slightly hysterical in tenor.
Rated for door #4.
Gabby, I think Guantanamo's too far away. And why would we want to boost CUBA'S economy when we could stimulate economic growth with Enemy Camp jobs right here at home? I think every state ought to get at least one camp in the next round of Stimulus funding.
David, only the Unpatriotic Commie Liberal Left-Wing ACLU-Card-Carrying bloggers.
Sheldon--you serve those with white, not red, right?
Thanks, Jane. I share your fervent wishes. Only because I don't believe in gods and I don't pray. If I did, I'd be praying for those things instead.
Thanks, Frenchie. (You don't mind if I call you Frenchie, do you? Or maybe I should call you FREEDOM. Like the Fries.)
What really gets me is that many of the folks who propose internment camps are the very people who think they're being persecuted . . . where's Monty Python when you need them?
Seriously, I had no idea that that ruling was still on the books. Makes me shudder.
Mexican, Muslims and Gays ... used to be Blacks, Commies, Indians or any variation there of.
Good post.
Kat--I wouldn't be surprised to learn that some bloody wingnut Tea Party lunatics took this post seriously.
Owl, sorry to make you break your vow. As you may have noticed, I'm only posting once a month now just to say I did it, so you may now return to your previously scheduled activities. But thanks for stopping by. ;-)
Nelle, between the Anchor Babies and the Terror Babies, I'm afraid the anti-abortion peeps are going to get all confused, aren't they? I mean, shouldn't aborting Terror Babies be a GOOD thing? Before they can kill us all?
Nice bit of satire. Of course, you forgot Jonathan Swift's solution to the "anchor baby" problem: we could always eat them.
This is what these ignorant asshats are wishing on people that they don't know. And really, it's all about who was here first and no caucasian can claim that honor. Glenn Beck attended the high school that our neighborhood teens attend. He didn't learn that mean-spirited, hateful intolerance and intentional ignorance here in Bellingham.
The only problem is that today there'd be a class of chowderheads who'd protest about Mexicans, Muslims and Gays getting to go to "camp" on the tax dollars of hardworking Americans.
By the way, the Eight Column we need to watch out for are "Single Mothers Who Refuse To Wear Frilly Aprons in the Kitchen." This is considered a dangerous group indeed by the right wing.
How did you know about Korematsu v. The United States ? I have a good friend I went to high school with in Portland, OR, and his Japanese parents were in the camps. It haunts all of them.
We had Japanese (and other) internment camps here, too. In fact, the noted environmentalist and scientist Dr. David Suzuki, born in British Columbia, was in such a camp not far from where I write this, half a continent away. It's a disgraceful period in our respective countries' histories.
no one told me!
and dagnabit...too late to get there.
Love is easy; love is self-righteous. It does not challenge the status quo. It allows for the exclusion of anyone that I don't feel like liking or who threatens my idea of my exalted position in the world and in God's favor. It boasts a lot. It is easily angered, especially in front of a camera or anywhere that it may gain attention. It keeps record of the wrongs of a few and applies them haphazardly to innocent millions, while denying the wrongs that could be applied to itself. It always postures, always insults, and quickly gives up on anyone who doesn't make it feel instantly better about itself or its ideas. Love (like this) reveals contempt for God, because it tries to replace His judgment with its own. It is arrogant, but its arrogance eventually fails.
And what catnmus said for sure!
Camps? I love camping!
(Reading further...)
Oh. Sign me up for Camp #4, I guess.
Rated.
FLW: Maybe next week for Foodie Tuesday I'll do an Anchor Baby Stew recipe.
Hey, thanks, Bonnie. You know, the fact that we're neighbors and have never met seems very wrong to me. Hit me up by PM if you ever want to have a few stiff drinks (or beers to cry into).
Suzanne, I know. It's so frakking frustrating to hear this kind of thing even being MENTIONED in earnest. Let alone considered. Even for a moment. Gah.
Rob O'H, get in line behind Rob S.A. He's my OS boyfriend. (BTW, not a single mom, but have a frilly apron. Watch Right-Wing heads explode.)
Denese, I didn't know about Korematsu. At least not until I started researching the internment camps. It's a horrifying and fascinating episode in our ugly "Greatest Nation On Earth(TM)" history and I just got sucked into every link I could find.
Boanerges, if you find a slightly altered copy of this in your Inbox a year from now, sent by a loony "conservative" cousin, please let me know. I figure it'll happen to somebody.
Brian, the tractor pull happens right after the Apple-Pie-eating contest.
Delia, I love your rewrite.
Nikki, it's an honor and a privilege to hear from you on this. Thank you.
RSA, you know I'll be in Camp #4 with you. ;-)
Bluestocking, welcome. Have fun. That's all I try to do here. (Well, that and rage impotently.)
my neighbor told me that i, because i voted for obama, would be responsible for all americans who didn't being put into camps. he really believed this due to listening to talk radio for hours at a time. john is a good man; he told me recently that he was wrong and he has given up on rush & company.
me, i worry about the theatre in all this. as mel brooks said in 'To Be Or Not To Be': "without fags, jews and gyspies there will BE no theatre!"
how i wish mel were up to doing a movie on beck, rush, teabaggers et al. he would show the insanity of it all. (r)
It is really something the way the more ignorant of whites on the US Mainland are so very pissed a Black Hawaiian is their "ruler"- (bwahahahahahaha- got to say we love it here!
Couple things, first, Michelle Malkin is a Filipina, along with being a traitor to this country and a horrible excuse for a human. The right will let you get away with anything if you are semi-cute.
But, life is very complex, despite what Malkin and her pasty white friends like Beck think. So, lets have a bit of truth:
Yes, the Japanese internment was a racist disgrace. We must look deeper, however, to see truth and speak to your words.
The day after Pearl Harbor was not a good day to be of Japanese descent on Oahu. You see, life being very complex and all, the GOOD Japanese were in big, big trouble that day as the distant Filipino relatives of Ms. Malkin were out for blood! You see, the BAD Japanese had for the previous decades killed, maimed, raped and tortured these folks and their families and other citizens. Well, the attack was all these Filipinos needed as an excuse to go out and kill GOOD Japanese. Sound like Malkin yet? My father, a great man, hid over 100 local residents of Japanese descent in a rural barn for several days until the Army and 5-O could get things under control.
Satire's is the Greatest form of writing. Vive Voltaire.
Real life requires awareness ... this is what is missing from the hate purveyors ... they literally know nothing at all, just ancient re-cycled rants redux.
AUWE
Very good and Rated.
Great satire, but I and my sisters feel ignored.
Glenn Beck is due for his nineteenth nervous breakdown and just I hope that he has it on camera.
And your satire was an education in and of itself. I wonder when we are going to be able to act on issues through rational thought and constructive debate instead of race-baiting and fear...
Great work. ~R!~
You should print this out and give it to the next person you overhear spouting that nonsense and give them a copy, not that it would really do anything to a closed mind. I mean, ever since I first read about the internment, I was about 9 years old I think, I knew right away it was wrong. It doesn't take much empathy and understanding to get it right, it does take courage to do right. Thanks for doing this. xo
Brilliant, Denise.
"the Right has to deceive its base with lots of nasty bogeymen decoys..... the Left is the complicit enabler by not standing up to it."
Your silence lends credence to their lies and you become complicit.
-R-
except
"The assumption that America was attacked by Muslims on 9/11 also lies behind the widespread perception of Islam as an inherently violent religion and therefore of Muslims as guilty until proven innocent. This perception surely contributed to attempts to portray Obama as a Muslim, which was lampooned by a controversial cartoon on the July 21, 2008, cover of The New Yorker."
Are you kidding me? Have you seen the price of gas lately?
I think the best solution would be isolation. Some place surrounded by water so we can't escape... you know like Tahiti.
Yeah, that's the ticket. All of us dykes and fags are secretly illegal Tahitian immigrants anyways. The US needs to teach Tahiti a lesson and invade their ass, take over and then deport all of us to nice condos on the beach. By gawd that will teach us!
Non-Flying Imam: 9/11 Hijackers Were Not Muslims
excerpt
===
Mr. Shahin says he cut ties to KindHearts after the Treasury Department began investigating the group, that “true Muslims” do not murder and were not responsible for the attacks on the Pentagon and World Trade Center.
“If they claim they are Muslim, they are wrong,” Mr. Shahin said yesterday in a telephone interview. “Despite what religion they claim, even if they are all Arabs, to say they are Muslims is wrong, completely wrong.
“We have been asked by God and by the prophet Muhammad to respect all human life. The Koran is very clear, to save one life he saves all human life, and whoever kills one person, he kills all humankind, and that is what Islam is all about.”
Great work, doll.
We managed also to steal the New Mexico Territory up to Wyoming and California in the bargain. Part of our Manifest Destiny and American way of life.
Worked well then. Perhaps we should take a look at that option again as you suggest.
It doesn't seem like a funny joke anymore.
My fathers' parents were German immigrants and he and his sisters had people try to sick their guard dogs on the "dirty German children" as they walked to elementary school in Colorado during WWII. Some of their Japanese neighbors (Colorado grand valley) were forced into internment camps. Some were forced into labor in surrounding farms.
I find the sentiments being publicly expressed now historically uncomfortably familiar.
As always, Verbal Remedy, wittily, eloquently, and cuttingly stated. Rated.
young people who are troublesome/inconvenient/orphaned. there are a lot of problems we could solve by employing this grand idea.
I'd like to share a few things. Last year I spoke with a man who is building a monument near Seattle in honor of the Japanese internment (he preferred the term concentration camp). The monument is on Bainbridge Island in WA. This was a test site for rounding up people of Japanese ancestry because it was an island and a closed community. This is where the techniques were honed. It was a powerful presentation that I will never forget (just like those 9/11 folks I guess).
I just recently visited an immigrant labor camp near Hillsboro, OR. It certainly looked like an internment camp. Their living conditions are horrid. And there's camps like this all over the country. At least they are picking blue berries for $1.50 a bushel (thick sarcasm).
The media are bastards for not covering this stuff.
*Joke stolen from Doonesbury.
Sure, you would have to exclude some Right-thinking people like Charles Krauthammer, who always take the correct, patriotic positions on things. Maybe they could have some procedure to earn a Not That Kind of Jew card.
Jews were the first to be put in a ghetto. Let's rock this old school!
Yep, that's plausible.
I always thought there were just TWO groups: Us & Them. I guess by that logic one would have to round everyone up, including those who - claiming to be "us" - are still not "me"... and if one feels any compassion or ambivalence toward the rounduptees, one must also detain themselves as sympathizers.
I was so relieved to se your comment about your batshit fucking insane family members. I think that is truly the tie that binds us all. ;)
As for those who suggest putting all the wingnuts into camps, isn't that what they've been doing to themselves for decades? (though they prefer the term "compound")
I adore inspired satire like yours. But every time I'm tempted to try it for myself, I worry that if it actually ends up being creative and effective, that it will simply give ideas to the humorless, irony impaired folks I'm trying to lampoon.
I'm sorry to hear you're posting less frequently. I really enjoy your take on things. If this is an echo chamber, I say turn it up to 11.
(Superb, Denise.)
As far as the Muslim interments, a good start would be to just fence in Dearborn Michigan. They have the highest consentration of Muslims in the country. That would send a message to the rest of those heathens.
As far as them Mexicans, I say "build the dang fence". Only build it around the State of Arizona since they seem to be so fond of 'em. That way we can keep an eye on them. After all, everyone knows that if you deport them they will be back in a day or two.