It's always sad when a marriage ends, isn't it? But you know, sometimes divorce is the last--the only sensible--option. When the yelling and the screaming and the throwing of pots and pans gets to be too much; when nothing is left between the two parties but contempt and simmering hostility; when every issue, no matter how small, becomes a kitchen-sink knock-down-drag-out; when the kids are suffering.

I've more or less reached the point where I think the best thing that could happen for the tattered remains of the former United States America would be to admit we've tried our best but it's just not working, and agree to part as friends.

It Just Didn't Work Out

It's not that we didn't try. Sure, we fell in love 235 years ago when we were both starry-eyed romantics, drunk on ideas like natural law and liberty and no taxation without representation. So what if we came from different classes? Love conquers all. Oh, sure, there were bound to be little disagreements between an Industrial Northern Bookish City Girl and a down-home Southern Religious Plantation Boy, but we figured, hell, we were both tired of living under the old man's roof, so we jumped the broom and ran away from home, rebelling against Daddy Britain.

We figured we could learn to live with each other's quirks. We thought we could compromise. (3/5 seemed like a good place to start.) 

But things change, circumstances change, times change, and sometimes lovers just grow too far apart to even have a civil conversation anymore. 

You Shouldn't Have Made Me Do That

We had that one great big fight--you remember, I'm sure, because it went way beyond ill-considered words. Things got out of hand. There was domestic violence and plenty of it. Blood spilled all over everything. If there'd been relationship counselors back in the 1860s, they would have advised us against getting back together, because no matter how much you say "That'll never happen again, Baby," a beatdown that severe is a bell that can't really be un-rung. We probably should have called it quits right there and then. 

But no. We fought until we were both too exhausted to keep fighting, and then we crawled back into bed with each other because we couldn't see beyond our sick, abusive codependence.

That was, in retrospect, a giant mistake.

Hell, let's be honest. We don't even LIKE each other.

We have nothing in common today. We can't talk, we can't negotiate, we can't even stand to be in the same room together. 

Yes, somebody thought it'd be a great idea to manufacture Joe Wilson "You Lie!" Automatic Rifle Parts! Image source

We've hardened in our old age--Red States and Blue States, Conservatives and Liberals.

I see no hope of compromise anymore. And come to think of it, that first compromise was probably the root of all our problems anyway.

So. Divorce. Enough threats of secession. Fine. Let's just do it.

The Settlement

We don't have to make this all drawn-out and nasty. It can be a simple No-Fault declaration. We grew apart, end of story. Let's get on with our lives.

To make things simple in terms of dividing community property, I suggest we just go back to our 1864 borders. If we think it'll work for Israel and Palestine, it ought to work for us. (At least we seem to hate each other a little less than they do.)

Map Source

Look, the kids can decide where they want to live. A simple five-year migration period ought to allow everybody to relocate to whichever region appeals to them.

The Tea Party and arch-conservatives can reclaim the South, where they'll be free to create The Libertarian States of America, a tax-free, government-free, contraception-free, abortion-free zone run by the churches, chock-full of guns, capital punishment, unregulated markets, no pesky environmental or labor protections, totally privatized services like security and education and transportation and public safety systems.You want it, you buy it from a corporation, the way Ayn Rand intended. Oh, and, nobody will be allowed in from the outside after the migration period. It'll be an immigrant-free paradise.

Meanwhile, up North where the Union once stood, The Liberal States of America will rise--a socialist nanny state in which the government is the only employer and keeps 60% of every paycheck; fatty foods and sugar are banned; gay-married teachers indoctrinate schoolchildren into atheism and cultural relativism; every girl gets a free abortion voucher from the government on post-adolescent birthdays; boys are issued condoms and porn on demand when they turn 10; criminals receive a hug and a stern talking-to; banks and health care and insurance industries are nationalized; high-speed rail replaces the Interstate system as much as possible; every house will be roofed with solar panels. Oh, and political correctness (or, as they'll try to call it up there, "simple politeness,") will be legally mandatory. Also, totally open borders. A free-for-all mess. Legal forms in 90 different languages. You get the picture.

There'll only be two things left to settle.

1) Who gets the rest of the West?

2) Who gets to claim the abbreviation "LSA?"

Sigh.

I guess we'll just have to fight over those.