Good Girls Don't Say Things Like That...

... but I do.

Victoria Carlson

Victoria Carlson
Burbank/Toluca Lake, California, USA
June 09
L.A. native. Single mother. Writer. Dog whisperer. Gemini. Crossword geek. Recovering Catholic. Novice Buddhist. Multi-tasker. Jedi Master. Currently working on a collection of short stories based upon personal experiences. Recent contributor to the L.A. Times and featured on


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NOVEMBER 3, 2011 2:34PM

I Feel Like A Dirty Old Man

Rate: 4 Flag

I swore I was finished with online dating, but unfortunately, meeting people organically simply isn’t happening.

Wait. What’s that, you say? Maybe I should sign-up for that co-ed softball team, or take a class at the local community college as a way of meeting people? Meh. I have no interest in such things. Besides, who has the time to commit to a team? The convenient thing about online dating is I can check out profiles at the crack of dawn while I’m still in my pajamas and having my morning coffee.

So, about a week ago, or so, I came across this really cute guy’s profile. Very witty and clever. At one point, he surmised that Disney’s Aladdin would probably have difficulty getting green lighted in post-9/11 America. That made me laugh out loud and I messaged him to tell him I thought what he said was funny. As soon as I hit send, I received a message from him. Turns out, by a fluke, we were checking each other out simultaneously. We exchanged a few emails and it wasn’t very long before he asked me out. I deliberated for a long moment before accepting his invitation. He actually wanted to meet that evening, but I couldn’t, so we planned for the following week. Unlike that last guy I had plans with, this one confirmed the date with me the night before and also touched base with me the day of. Nice.

We met at a local neighborhood lounge. He was very tall, slender and uniquely good looking. Drinks in hand, we retired to a cozy corner and launched into an engaging conversation. He was incredibly smart. Like, super smart. His personality, though, was much more subdued in person than it was in our online and texting chats. Nevertheless, the date was going well. In time, he made physical contact by placing his hand on the small of my back and giving me a little rub down. I have to admit, I liked the way the weight of his hand felt against my back, but I was also a few drinks in, so I’m sure that contributed to the warm, fuzzy feeling I had going on.

He asked me if I’d like to go for a walk. This is when he made his move and kissed me. I have to say, he was quite a good kisser and I could feel my cheeks flush and a tingling warmth slowly begin to radiate from various body parts. Clearly, a bit of privacy was in order, so we drove to a dimly lit street and made out. It’d been awhile since I had a good make out and it was fun and steaming up the windows in his car on a dark street felt kind of naughty and forbidden. When he dropped me off at my car, he asked me out again. I readily accepted.

But here’s the tiny, little, baby caveat.

He’s twenty-six.

I have been approached by men in their twenties before, but never, had I the inclination to go that route. I mean, the last time I dated a guy in his twenties, I was in my twenties. Most of my single girlfriends date, or have dated, men that age, but they’re in their mid-thirties, so it’s not such a huge age chasm. But we’re talking a twenty-year difference with this guy. He’s young enough to be my son. I have a nephew that age. I was already married by the time I was twenty-six, you know what I mean? But this time, for some reason, I thought, why not? Life is short and I’ve been in such a dating slump and I thought maybe this would pull me out of it. Going out with a twenty-six year-old was something I could scratch off my bucket list—if I had a bucket list.

The dinner portion of our second date was quite enjoyable. I took him to my favorite sushi place. It was when we went back to my place when things took an awkward turn. We made out, which was fine, but I allowed things to progress further and this is where the age difference really became glaringly clear for me. He was very excited about getting me naked and into my bed. Problem was, I could not, for the life of me, get out of my head. Certainly, there was the primal part of me that wanted to devour this kid, but my head simply wasn’t gonna let it happen. So, while he’s moaning and all over me, I thought about my daughter:

Hey, O, this is my new boyfriend. He’s only 11 years older than you! Listen, while I fix us some dinner, you two can play Mario Kart!

I thought about possible post-coital activities:

I can read him a bedtime story after we have sex.

I thought about bringing him to a social event with my more age appropriate friends:

I think they have a kid’s table, maybe you’ll be more comfortable over there?

The other unfortunate thing was, he was fairly sexually inexperienced. Remember how fumbling and awkward Benjamin was with Mrs. Robinson? Like that, but more so. Frankly, I don’t have the patience. I don’t mind telling a guy what I like and how I like it, but I’m not interested in mentoring someone, know what I mean? The whole thing was over in less than twenty minutes and let's just say, it was rather unsatisfying; although he seemed to enjoy it very much. Enough to ask me out again, anyway.


On our first date, one of the first things I asked was, why was a young man like him was going out with a woman of my age? He told me he always got on well with older women and that his most recent girlfriend of two years was thirty-eight. Now, I realize that age is relative and that there are definitely people out there enjoying successful May-December relationships. I mean, who am I to judge? To each his own, right?

For myself, though, there’s a big difference between dating Generation Y and dating Generation Zygote. Indeed he is a highly intelligent young man, in that book smart, well-educated kind of way, but his knowledge of 70’s and 80’s pop culture is gleaned entirely from watching Nick at Nite and truth-be-told, that just doesn’t cut it for a girl like me. And as far as life experience goes, he doesn’t have much under his belt, and it’s those life experiences that shape us and add depth to who we are. As much as I want to be able to relate to someone on an intellectual level, more importantly, I need to connect with someone emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. I ultimately want a well-balanced, mutual, equal partnership, and for me, that will only happen with someone closer to my age. 

Do I regret having dated a much younger man? Certainly not. Having had that experience brought me back to myself and reminded me what I really want and that, is a very good thing indeed.

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NeilPaul, are you calling me a slog??? lol
Lady Cougar,

What the hell is a “slog”?
Anyway… he was your Dante. I seem to be into Dante recently. God knows why.
I say he is your Dante, for Dante wrote
“Love with delight discourses in my mind
Upon my lady's admirable gifts...
Beyond the range of human intellect.”
 Il Convivio, Trattato Terzo

It must be tough for an innocent
albeit sexy young whippersnapper
to keep up
with a smart seasoned erudite gal like you.
He doesnt know how to fulfill your needs because
he has no idea what they might be.
He needs to get over his Mrs Robinson phase and
go learn how to f--k from a nice age appropriate ingénue .
If it was meant to be, the sex would have been better,
and you know it.

Alot of other, more serious cougars would have kept
his bloodied remains around in her den for future snacking.
I am proud of you for eschewing such manipulation
of a fine slender uniquely handsome sprout.

A woman among women like you needs
"L'amor che muove il sole e l'altre stelle.
The Love which moves the sun and the other stars.
Canto XXXIII, line 145 (last line) (the Paradiso).

Dante again.

(No desire to keep him on in f-buddy status?
these youngsters are pretty cool in that regard, i hear)

(might be fun to teach him some ...patience...ha)
Oh to be young again! Oh to be thirty eight again. But that kiss! Mmmm that kiss! If your cheeks blush and you tingle...its wonderful. I agree that a relationship closer to you age might be better balanced. But make sure you get a little tingle ;) ... Mmmm that kiss!
hey VC, I know women are against walking and chewing gum at the time, but maybe just date him until someone better comes along.
So Peligrosa, what if he'd been fantastic in bed? Would you have felt differently about him?

Did your misgivings develop after his fumblings, or before? Did it just reinforce the bitter feelings of irony that smart girls like you always subconsciously harbor during these stolen moments? Moaning guys are such a turnoff, but you're right, who wants to teach someone how to act in bed?

So this isn't just a pickiness thing, is it? I know what you mean about the age thing. My last paramour was 26, and the immaturity factor hit a little too close to home. I don't like to be an instructor either, and at times I felt quite the professor with the book stuff, which is not comfortable for me as I always feel like I'm 70 anyway. But she was cute indeed (Latina and all...)

So what's wrong with analog dating? Is it really hard to meet people in person? I blame cell phones, actually--- they've completely ruined coffee houses as places to go and chat up future prospects. Remember when coffee houses were the A-#1 way of meeting interesting and attractive people?


BTW... you sound like a great lay. And I like your moan-by-moan explications. Interesting though that this ability of yours never came up at the famous Love Seminar. I would have remembered.....In fact, we all would have !!
Ha! Jaime, I forgot all about the love seminar! Frankly, I don't think I was such a great lay back then. You could ask my ex about that. One thing I've learned post-divorce, is when I have serious chemistry with someone, it's like something clicks and suddenly, I'm like a ravenous lioness. When I'm on, I'm ON.

Setting age aside, there simply wasn't any sexual chemistry between me and our young friend. He was smart to be sure, which I love, as you know, but that chemistry simply wasn't there. There was a serious lack of pheromones happening. I suppose you can say I was being open minded and trying something new (younger man).

Sir James,
You're right. I need a love so powerful it moves the sun and stars. Good God, where am I supposed to find that?
Lady V,
I think i may have found a site to get that sun-moving love.
For only $19.99 a month, they guarantee to reunite you
with your soulmate from a previous incarnation,
within 2 more lifetimes.
WTF, it's worth a shot.
For premium membership of $29.99/month
they go back beyond your human lives to when you were
a butterfly or a hummingbird,
in my case, a tree frog
or a flying squirrel,
and find that one soul from the depths of your genetic
James! That is fucking hilarious! Brilliant! I'm signing up today!
Yeah, but which one?
I mean, do you really wanna be paired with some
way long gone soulmate who has probably gone his own
evolutionary route, & now is maybe, god help u, a guy
who works for the EPA, or is a Greenpeace executive,
and wears sandals to work?
Was once your husband, if u can call it that,
in pre-cambrian days, as a jellyfish?
Well, Sir James, due to the economy and that I'm going to be late paying my rent this month, I'll have to go with the $19.99 option.

I think you're onto something, as far as my former husband having once been a jellyfish. Actually, I think you're pretty damn accurate.
hi victoria. i am also in l.a. in the spring i will sign up for online dating. there is no way i'm joining a kickball league with other aging hipsters, so that i may meet someone. it's so once removed from the actual goal. i'm supposed to be practicing being more direct, not less. anyway, thanks for the good read, sorry your boy was not up to snuff.