Here’s the deal:

I NEED to hand out a Shallow Twits Award, well, it isn’t my need so much. It’s that Universe creates activities for shallow twits, and my job is to point out that twits are doing shallow things. I mean, what if I didn’t?

What if the world heaved a sigh of relief, thinking that we’re all self-actualized and spiritually attained and whatnot? Would God start killing kittens if we were all suffering from the delusion that every living creature is engaged in meaningful, earth sustaining activities? You know — like handing out Shallow Twits Awards.

Dare I take that chance?

No, obviously, I cannot. Yet…I can’t seem to work up the indignation level necessary to start screaming, “There are goobers turning the Periodic Table of the Elements into the Periodic Table of the Social Media Elements! Protect the children!” I know that I ought to. It’s in my job description. Yet…

You know that feeling of being embarrassed for someone else? Isn’t that one of the creepiest feelings ever? That’s how I see this. People get their development arrested (by the sense and reason police, if I’ve correctly identified the agency in charge) at the middle school level, and are sentenced to endlessly playing out seventh grade social dynamics online. *cringe* *shudder* *wince* *avert eyes*. And being intellectually frozen at the age of twelve, therefore having no shame of their own, we, the grown ups, are compelled to feel their humiliation for them. *sigh*

So, I can’t think of anything scathing or pointed to say beyond: Here’s today's Shallow Twits Award winner:

The Periodic Table of the Social Media Elements