Now, I know what you’re thinking so let me stop you before you get all lathered up and start screaming, “WTF! This is a bogus blog entry! Of course Spam Candy is a sign of the apocalypse! What, are you freakin’ kiddin’ me?!?!?!”

Calm down, okay? Put the dust covers back over the exclamation and question mark keys. Ms V isn’t just jerking your chain with this. I merely put the question mark after “Sign of the Apocalypse” to keep a cohesive flow in the series of apocalyptic warnings I’m writing for your edification. I’m not trying to mislead anybody. I’m trying to be a force for good in this world, so bear with me. I’m well aware that Spam Candy is one of the warning signs of the apocalypse.

Luckily, we have recipes and pictures so that future humans will have a record of the method we used to destroy our civilization. First we have this: Spam Candy. Here’s a quote from the first recipe, which he calls Spam Brittle:

You do not want the smell of burnt sugar and spam floatin’ around your kitchen, wakin’ up your maniacal pregnant wife sleeping in the other room.

I haven’t been pregnant since 1984, but if my husband woke me up with the smell of Spam Brittle, well, let’s just say I’d be maniacal too.

The second recipe is for Candied Spam:

They are pretty good munched by themselves, but I am currently trying to come up with a baking/pastry application. I have a couple of ideas, so look forward to a reappearance of these pink, porky delights in the near future.

Ahh, we’ve come to the meat (pun intended) of Ms V’s apocalyptic warning for today. It’s that baking/pastry application where we see the true depravity running amok in the world that is calling down judgement on us all:

Pork and Beans Brown Betty with Chile Chocolate Guinness Frosting

I poured the gloppy mess into a well greased silicon loaf pan. I wanted this to come out easily after baking so that I could shape it. By the way, once you cut into the Spam brittle your nostrils will be assaulted by the sweet porky flavor trapped beneath the candy coating.

The sweet porky flavor trapped beneath the candy coating? Okay, I’ll wait until you get back from the vomitorium.

Verdict: All in all, this was pretty good. The deliciousness of the frosting outweighed any of the funkiness of the Spam Brittle. The dry texture of the brown betty was kind of gross with the flecks of peanut and Spam, and the vague smell of pork every time you put fork to it was a little unsettling.

You see, my sweet innocent children, it is not enough that we fly in the face of all that is good and pure in this world, like with Che’s granddaughter covering her naked breasts with carrot bandoliers, no, oh no, we dip even deeper into insanity by covering Spam with butter and sugar and then, horror of horrors, we bake a cake with Spam Candy!

Fortunately, the author of the blog Ridiculous Food Society of Upstate New York, Mr. Dave Guilderland, admits:

Don’t think I will be making this exact confection again, but I will definitely put the frosting into my inventory.

So you see there isn’t any flaw in Mr Guilderland, his taste or his blog. He has a recipe for Mississippi Delta Hot Tamales that I intend to try, and he has many other delicious sounding recipes, and observations on food and those who sell it.

And he certainly seems to have learned his lesson about toying with Spam. I suggest that we learn a lesson from him and not experiment with Spam.

We must all remember that Goddess did not invent Spam for us to mock it. She meant it to be fried and sandwiched between two pieces of Wonder Bread spread with faux mayonnaise, just like my mom fixed it.

Oh, god, I’ve got to hit the vomitorium again just thinking about it.