hi all, this is a post Ive been wanting to write ever since I joined OS, but figured Id wait a while to test the waters & see what the environment on here was like. you know some bloggers who do a "big reveal" after they've been on here awhile and begin to feel comfortable or even adventurous....

I am only going to touch on this personally, partially, because the topic for this post is highly controversial and even inflammatory or incendiary at times. slightly less so these days, but still. so, here I will don my asbestos underwear.

2009 has been a pretty incredible year for the subject of polyamory and less confrontational attitudes about it. its really hit the mainstream zeitgeist. there are various factors that seem to be contributing to this, it would be hard to figure them all out, but the following stand out. a sort of coincidental convergence, a synchronicity.

of course, I know I tend to be attuned to this particular subject, and could be accused of selective attention, but I do feel a shift this year maybe not necessarily or exactly in acceptance and spread, but at least public curiosity, & think all my links bear that out.

I collect interesting links all the time also & somehow just a whole bunch on marriage have been popping up lately. I decided to go and collect all my old favorites. heres some of what Ive been seeing lately.

• gay rights/marriage in the spotlight during the 2008 election.
• ashley madison web site tried to run a superbowl ad in january or so, and there has been huge media fallout over the site & the CEO.
• the sanford affair that was messily splattered all over the media, and profiles of his wife & her reaction
• a sort of long-running, philosophical handwringing over marriage that seems to be reaching a boiling point, issues of infidelity and divorce, & its relation to feminism etc.
• there are some new books & a woman Jenny Block is a very public advocate
• here on OS, a sirenita opened up about her 23-year polyamorous marriage/lifestyle and was rewarded with a front page EP and lots of comments. impressive. [28]
• there are not many famous people espousing the lifestyle, but there are a rare few. famous oscar-winning actress Tilda Swinton [11] has recently come "out". frenchwoman carla bruni has spoken positively about it and apparently lived it herself. there are rumors from interview comments that actor/actress Will Smith/Jada Pinkett may have some variation going on but they seem disinclined to be open about it.
• famous movies like Vicki Christina Barcelona by Woody Allen. which penelope cruz, playing a polyamorous woman, won an oscar for her performance. [28]
• polyamory shows up in high-ratings tv reality shows like Girls Next Door starring Hugh Hefner and his perky girlfriends.

* * * 

maybe my 1st memorable-for-me brush with polyamory was when I was in my mid 20s, mid 90s.. I went to a mtg of a semi-influential, motley crew of geeks, activists, libertarians, and anarchists in san francisco after reading their mailing list for a few years. [its a long story.] anyway [3] for example does suggest there is some natural overlap between geeks & polyamorists.

I discovered there the behind-the-scenes talk that one of the long haired, young, male founders was semi-openly polyamorous. I dont remember my reaction at the time, maybe a sort of snicker, & thought it kind of funky.

"only in SF" I think I figured. I recall a sort of amazement that he found more than one woman who would tolerate it. I wondered about the practicality of it all. and yes, just the slightest tinge of curiosity--mixed with envy!! you've heard of gay-curious or bi-curious? I guess it would be poly-curious.

marriage [and dating] is a very complex subject.. one of the most complex in anthropology probably. it cuts to the heart of human psychology. it took me many years to figure out my own attitudes. it took me many years to "wrap my brain" around the subject of polyamory. it came from a intense drive to fulfill the greek dictum, "know thyself."

I grew up in a very conservative family with a very conservative religion. it was only after many years of living on my own and trying to sort out my own attitudes was I able to figure out what view seemed the most natural to me or what I had the most affinity for. I also didnt start dating seriously until my mid20s!!

I think the big moment came for me after I had my first long term relationship, and then ran across articles in Salon of all places. 1999. it was some remarkably openminded, nonjudgemental articles about polyamory and a conference, presenting it as a choice not relevant to everyone, but rewarding for a small subculture. [1][2] and more recent articles pop up like [4].

I talked to my gf about it, and even though she had experienced a sort of semi polyamorous lifestyle herself in the past [she being a "child of the 60s"] she rejected it for us, saying she tried it multiple times and didnt like it.

* * *

a sign of amazing new levels of tolerance is the very recent newsweek article.[5] I guess if time magazine covers it also, we've got a genuine cultural movement.

A blog by Jenny Block, complete with a msg by her less-poly, more-monogamous-but-tolerant husband, describes her own polyamorous relationship in detail. she started the blog after she wrote a book. she gave a talk at the NYC poly pride conference. you can also see a very well produced video introduction by her. [6],[7],[8]

Ashley Madison web site is getting a huge amount of exposure, its pretty phenomenal. they came up with an ad early this year aimed at the super bowl but was rejected, but of course you can still catch it on youtube. [30] the mere fact that the site has the millions to advertise on the superbowl is quite a feat and demonstrates how large the phenomenon is.

profiles of Ashley Madison and its remarkable "out" CEO [he's "out" about his website, but not polyamorous in his own life because he says his wife forbids it!! maybe just a wannabe!!] are turning up in the most high profile places possible. CNN [24], Good Morning America [25], the View [26], Vanity Fair [9].

as for polyamory, you know its an official trend [at least among those big-city, latte-sipping, godless liberals] when the NYT covers it. or at least, flirts with it. [31]

yes, the internet seems to be playing a deciding factor in the awareness and spread of polyamory. ["spread"?? you know, like those horrible alien invasion movies.. Invasion of the Body Snatchers...Literally.] dating sites are in many ways a "killer app" of cyberspace. cyberspace at its heart is about connecting people together. coincidentally, so is polyamory :)

there has been some real earnest, fervent questioning of the modern vs medieval institution of marriage. eg [12] in the Atlantic entitled "Lets Call the Whole Thing Off" by a woman going through a divorce. marriage evolves over time. old attitude and perspectives about it no longer hold, and new ones emerge.

new york based couples therapist Esther Perel, author of "Mating in Capitivity" takes a highly thoughtful and nuanced view, and says maybe its time to renegotiate the ancient contracts of marriage and fidelity, "artificial social constraints". she emphasizes emotional fidelity as distinct from sexual monogamy.[32]

* * *

then theres the handwringing going on about Gov. Sanford and his wife Jenny. an impassioned example on open salon with a zillion comments is [29]. surprisingly his very respectable, with-it, class-act wife-- who expertly ran his campaign and may be a big reason he was elected in the 1st place-- has decided not to immediately divorce him.

Jenny Sanford speaks somewhat sympathetically of his mistress in Vogue [19]. "I feel sorry for her" she says and says the "door is open" for reconciliation with her husband. its not exactly the same emotion going on in polyamory [she specifically feels what her husband did was immoral], but close. reactions eg [18] are sympathetic to Mrs Sanford and argue that talking about the whole thing in terms of black and white, manachean, victim vs victimizer may be doing a disservice. [17]

one male writer sympathizes with the openness and genuineness of mark sanford in his now legendary press conference. [20]

christina nehring has written eloquently on the sanford affair. "in defense of mark sanford" in the New Republic [13,34]. in [14] she refers to a "new erotic fundamentalism" similar to puritanism. a reaction to her views in eg [15]. and we have come full circle with [16] by someone who's heard all the arguments, and still finds he likes his marriage exactly the way it is-- old-school-vanilla style. oh, and its a small world, nehring comments mixedly on perel's book way back in 2006.[33]

* * *

mixed in with all this writing about marriage and polyamory are deep questions about human nature. for that, I really enjoy a new field of psychology known as "evolutionary psychology". its based on ideas and observations about apparent human instincts that are often somewhat similar, and can be compared and contrasted for insight, to other mammals [ie primates].

supposedly we are all past the difficulty of accepting the scientific yet unpalatable theory of evolution. but this new theory of evolutionary psychology seems to be running into some very similar social/intellectual resistance that the theory of evolution did over 150 years ago or so.

some excellent references on evolutionary psychology: [21], [22], [23]. Ridley [21] in particular has some very interesting observations on the history of human sexuality and how it interrelates with culture and anthropology. he mentions and analyzes the ancient chinese kings, many of whom kept concubines. it might seem like an ancient practice, but somehow surprisingly continues into and manifests in the modern era. [10]

a key issue with polyamory is JEALOUSY. in my reading of evolutionary psychology, I would suspect that jealousy is one of the primary instincts, probably deeply wired into our brains, possibly even into the ancient reptilian brain. because not surprisingly even reptiles can fight over mates, and that seems to be at the heart of jealousy. [so if you get jealous of something, be sure to take a special pride in that-- it may be something you share in common with reptiles! joking!]

a clue is that jealousy seems to be fundamentally related to what is called "mate value" which definitely has human analogs-- simplifed down to the stereotypes, & by gender, on one hand its the beautiful/sexy women, wealthy guys on the other. the latest thinking on jealousy can be found in a recent cover story of psychology today magazine [27].

yes, I admit, I tend to write intellectually and abstractly. which is kind of a contradiction on such an emotional topic. how about two real life case studies? [35,36]

[37] is coverage of the book "Sex at Dawn" an excellent new scientific survey of the biological evidence for nonmonogamy, but tries to remain impartial/neutral, and not drawing conclusions on what is actually preferred or ideal. coincidentally, written by an open salon blogger who Ive written many blog comments for. its making a big splash in the media so far with lots of variety in the reactions.[39-44]

[38], a long mediation by a man on how hard it is to stay monogamous, tying it in with the mainstream media infidelities eg Spitzer.

[45] is similar to [16] and the author takes in all the arguments and still argues "contra" especially for women, that they are not "wired" for nonmonogamy, bringing me to one of lifes apparent greatest paradoxes. what if women are "wired" for monogamy and men are "wired" for nonmonogamy?

what a cruel trick by evolution, but it wouldnt surprise me and surely wouldnt be the 1st seeming psychological contradiction encoded in our DNA. psychology has been making great strides in measuring humans fundamental irrationality in many contexts such as economics. this irrationality seems to be biologically/instinctually programmed and is similar to monkey "reasoning". so when the buddhists talk about "monkey mind", they are eerily not so far off.

[46] is a new case for "managed" or "negotiated infidelity" by female holly hill nicknamed "sugarbabe," who spent a year as a mistress and found it tolerable, and a rebuttal by the reviewer. the flashy and sarcastic title-- "save your marriage by letting your husband cheat."

so, Ive written a lot but just skimmed over vast expanses of topics, complexity, and nuance, I hope you will enjoy my collections of links, I guarantee its a lot of at-times intense food for thought & hope maybe there might be at least something for everyone.

so... in 2009 has polyamory hit "critical mass"? with a cultural movement, its hard to tell, but 2009 was a banner year.

and, depending on your responses to this post, I may "open up" more about my own personal opinions and experiences in the area.

or.... maybe not!!

this post is dedicated to AB, an Open Salon member specializing in erotic writing, who is working through some difficult marriage issues at the moment.

[1]
For polyamorists, responsibility and commitment replace jealousy
and distrust. As long as everyone remembers who's who.
http://www.salon.com/health/sex/urge/1999/07/17/polyamory/index.html

[2]
Stranger in a super-friendly land
On the planet of polyamory, eager-beavers and boneheads mingle with truly enlightened souls.
http://www.salon.com/health/sex/urge/1999/07/17/conference/

[3]
If code is free, why not me?
Some open-source geeks are as open-minded about sex as they are about hacking.
http://www.salon.com/tech/feature/2000/05/26/free_love/

[4]
Whole lotta love
When it comes to relationships, the polyamorist motto is "The more, the merrier." Considering the sorry state of traditional marriage, is multi-partnering due a closer look?
http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2007/06/14/polyamory/

[5]
Only You. And You. And You.
Polyamory—relationships with multiple, mutually consenting partners—has a coming-out party.
http://www.newsweek.com/id/209164

[6]
Jenny Block answers your questions about relationship dynamics in an open marriage.
http://www.yourtango.com/blogs/open-up

[7]
Jenny Block profile
http://www.yourtango.com/users/jennyblock

[8]
I Have An Open Marriage
Author and YourTango blogger Jenny Block talks about her open marriage.
http://www.yourtango.com/20086690/i-have-an-open-marriage

[9]
The Cheaters’ Club
on internet infidelity via Ashley Madison
http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2009/08/ashley-madison200908

[10]
China Concubines Return Thanks To Increasing Capitalism
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/08/26/china-concubines-return-t_n_269482.html

[11]
Tilda Swinton -- Hollywoods exquisite alien
http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-04-30/hollywoods-exquisite-alien/

[12]
Lets call the whole thing off
The author is ending her marriage. Isn’t it time you did the same?
by Sandra Tsing Loh
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200907/divorce

[13]
Love Actually  by Cristina Nehring
In defense of Mark Sanford.
http://www.tnr.com/politics/story.html?id=bd91be7a-0382-4c2d-a7b3-7f07ffa33be1

[14]
Cristina Nehring on the New Erotic Fundamentalism
http://www.truthdig.com/arts_culture/item/20090820_cristina_nehring_on_the_new_erotic_fundamentalism/

[15]
Why your marriage sucks
Passion has died, argues author Cristina Nehring, taking domestic bliss with it. But is romance really in crisis?
http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2009/06/24/vindication_love/index.html

[16]
It's hot! It's sexy! It's ... marriage!
Am I the only person who actually enjoys being hitched these days?
http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2009/07/15/traister_marriage/index.html

[17]
"Victims" of Infidelity?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ruth-bettelheim/victims-of-infidelity_b_237694.html

[18]
Jenny Sanford strikes back
http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/feature/2009/08/18/jenny_sanford/index.html

[19]
Notes on a Scandal
Jenny Sanford opens up to Rebecca Johnson about being a political wife—and the affair that changed it all.
http://www.style.com/vogue/feature/2009/08/jenny-sanford/

[20]
The strange nakedness of Mark Sanford
He was an emotional wreck at his press conference, but also something philandering politicians rarely are: Human
http://www.salon.com/opinion/kamiya/2009/06/25/mark_sanford/

[21]
The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature (Paperback) by Ridley
http://www.amazon.com/Red-Queen-Evolution-Human-Nature/dp/0140245480

[22]
What Women Want--What Men Want: Why the Sexes Still See Love and Commitment So Differently by Townsend
http://www.amazon.com/What-Women-Want-What-Men-Want/dp/0195131037

[23]
Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters: From Dating, Shopping, and Praying to Going to War and Becoming a Billionaire-- Two Evolutionary Psychologists Explain Why We Do What We Do
http://www.amazon.com/Beautiful-People-Have-More-Daughters/dp/0399533656

[24]
CNN and Ashley Madison
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLUYKxGrCg8

[25]
Good Morning America Profiles Ashley Madison
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXXWismNYT4

[26]
The View Hot Topics - Ashley Madison
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_4I__YdnG0

[27]
Jealousy: Love's Destroyer
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200906/jealousy-loves-destroyer

[28]
sexy open relationship movie list by vzn
http://open.salon.com/blog/vzn/2009/06/08/sexy_open_relationshippolyamory_movie_list

[29]
Sanford: Maria, Not His Wife, Is His "Soul Mate"
http://open.salon.com/blog/mahabarbara/2009/06/30/sanford_maria_not_his_wife_is_his_soul_mate

[30]
AshleyMadison.com US Superbowl Commercial - Banned in US. Ran in Texas
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwJSD46JSoM

[31]
Modern Love
An Open and Shut Marriage
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/03/fashion/03love.html

[32]
Is anyone faithful anymore? Infidelity in the 21st century
http://www.guardian.co.uk/theobserver/2010/mar/07/polly-vernon-infidelity-betrayal-help-relationships

[33]
Of Sex and Marriage
Stop it, you’re killing my libido
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2006/12/of-sex-and-marriage/5373/

[34]
Cristina Nehring: In defense of Mark Sanford's love
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/opinion/points/stories/DN-nehring_05edi.State.Edition1.1ff4cff.html

[35]
Freedom from Sexual Self-Denial: Why Not Have Sex With People Who Aren't Your Partner?
Infidelity is treated as selfish, while monogamy is celebrated. But what's so great about living a life of self-denial?
http://www.alternet.org/sex/147349/freedom_from_sexual_self-denial%3A_why_not_have_sex_with_people_who_aren%27t_your_partner/

[36]
Americans talk about love: How we chose an open marriage
"Early in our relationship, Cate said, 'If you ever see anybody else, I'll kill you.'" An oral history of polyamory
http://www.salon.com/life/excerpt/2010/02/09/americans_talk_about_love

[37]
"Sex at Dawn": Why monogamy goes against our nature
From testicle size to our slutty ancestors, a new book explains what human history teaches us about sex and couples
http://www.salon.com/books/feature/2010/06/27/sex_at_dawn_interview/index.html

[38]
The Affairs of Men
The trouble with sex and marriage.
http://nymag.com/relationships/sex/47055/

[39]
Sex at Dawn
Our cheating hearts
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/opinion/books/sex_at_dawn_Yj5mHgpGdyU2XNfvL7gtZN

[40]
'Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality'
http://www.newsweek.com/blogs/we-read-it/2010/07/26/sex-at-dawn-the-prehistoric-origins-of-modern-sexuality.html?from=rss

[41]
The Culture of Sex
If you want to analyze sex, you can't be selective.
http://www.thesmartset.com/article/article07201002.aspx

[42]
Ask an Expert: Why Famous Men Cheat and What Our Ancestors Really Thought of Sex and Monogamy
http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2010/07/ask-an-expert-why-famous-men-c.html

[43]
'Sex at Dawn' authors say humans aren't naturally monogamous
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/05/27/AR2010052706046.html

[44]
We're just swingers after all
http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/lifematters/were-just-swingers-after-all-20100730-10zsn.html

[45]
Casual sex is a con: women just aren't like men
Former groupie Dawn Eden explains how she realised morality made more sense for women than free love
http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article1292589.ece

[46]
Save your marriage by letting your husband cheat!
An author argues for "negotiated infidelity" -- but misses the realities of modern relationships
http://www.salon.com/life/infidelity/index.html?story=/mwt/broadsheet/2010/08/03/sugarbabe_negotiated_infidelity

[47]
Internet Pushes Polyamory to Its 'Tipping Point'
http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/commentary/sexdrive/2008/02/sexdrive_0229

[48]
Pairs With Spares
For Polyamorists With a Whole Lotta Love, Three, or More, Is Never a Crowd
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/02/12/AR2008021203072.html

[49]
Who Needs Marriage? A Changing Institution
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2031962,00.html

[50]
How to Have an Open Relationship | Sex & Relationships | AlterNet
http://www.alternet.org/sex/149155/how_to_have_an_open_relationship/