hi all. I havent written about one of my favorite subjs in this blog lately. "favorite" is a simplification. as facebook says, "its complicated". its more a love-hate relationship. ah but thats life isnt it.
the subj is polyamory. in the past, Ive written a long essay using recent press links on marriage. I wrote about famous open marriages. and then I also wrote about movies related to polyamory. if you havent seen those, & are interested in the subj, hope you check em out. think you wont be disappointed & maybe even pleasantly interested. see links below for those posts. they are long and intricate and generally involve a lot of research/tweaking. in my opinion, something for everyone even if you're not polyamorous.
whats the inspiration for this post? I think I got newly inspired for a few reasons. which appeared in my head in html bulleted form just like this:
- my sig other left for two months and I noticed I tend to daydream in her absence.
- oh yeah, and I met a young, cute, *spectacularly talented* girl at a gamer club which set off all kinds of spiralling fantasies for weeks [yikes].
- there were two recent movies starring *bigshot* actors, "no strings attached" and "friends with benefits". ashton kutcher, oscar winning natalie portman, justin timberlake, mila kunis.
- more significantly though Ive noticed a few new polyamorous bloggers here on this site within the last few weeks. or older ones who wrote some recent blogs.
I was thinking it would be cool to make a list of polyamorous bloggers on open salon. I started to make this list and then was really disappointed to find that a key "out" polyamorous blogger on this site, one of my 1st choices from memory, deleted his blog!! @#%& I guess he wasnt as "out" as he said he was!! sheez. he was a practicing polyamorist in a triad, and went under the pseudonym "incandescent" and had a lot of interesting things to say on the subject.
we had an extended conversation on one of my blogs. but [as some of you may or may not know, when an open salon subscriber leaves...] all his comments are now deleted, making my own blogs look like I was crazily talking to myself instead of engaging in an extended, colorful, engaging, even scintillating back-and-forth. @#%&. that happened with another blogger on here wrt my 911 posts. sigh. sometimes I really hate open salon. its a love-hate relationship. haha.
[thats one of the big hazards of doing this kind of post, you can do a lot of work and a lot of links get yanked right out from under you. *ouch* but writing is sometimes all about biting the bullet big time. you know, as easy as "opening up a vein and bleed" and all that. sounds melodramatic huh! well love is at least as easy as that also, haha, wink]
so then I thought I had nothing to write about without incandescent. but, its a slow week here at work so I decided to just do a search on open salon and it turned up a lot of writing and bloggers on polyamory. hey! cool! enough to do a post and add to my quiver.
Im separating this post into three pieces.
- a few choice books that have influenced my thinking on love/polyamory.
- a list of polyamorous bloggers. surprisingly, its not tiny. this is very cool to me that there are quite a few bloggers who decided to devote their whole open salon blog to polyamory and their adventures in it. alas, they dont all still post, and those that do post may do so somewhat intermittently. [this is a general pattern for all bloggers on open salon]. but, if you write em some positive & enthusiastic comments [along with those Ive left], I bet they'll be more liable to write new blogs.
- polyamory essays. notable open salon essays on the subject written by bloggers who are not dedicated to the subject.
anyway, its very rare & difficult to pull this off on open salon, but I hope this post becomes a semi-living document for all polyamorous open salon writers & helps promote the so-called polyamorous community here on open salon. its an overstatement to call it a community right now, but one can always dream. [polyamory is especially for dreamers].
hope that people return and write comments & continue the conversation & tell me about other blogs etc. I intend to add links in batches as I find them. also, if people posted their reactions to reading any of the books, how cool would that be? like a mini book club.I guarantee you that the references below are all of the highest blow-your-mind quality.
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the books
- another blogger on here LJ Barnhart was talking about the indian guru Osho. I am now reading his book Love, Freedom, and Aloneness, the Koan of Relationships. a really great book for polyamory although he doesnt mention it by name.
- another one of my favorite books, Ive mentioned it in many comments, but maybe not a post. Tantric Quest by Odier.
- zen sex-- the way of making love by philip toshio sudo. he has a lot of quotes by the ancient zen poet ikkyu who, paradoxically, liked to visit prostitutes. yes, isnt it a wonderful and contradictory world we live in?
- sex at dawn by christopher ryan. on how the whole biological evidence is basically incontrovertable that we're fundamentally "wired" to be polyamorous. ryan is a writer on open salon, see below.
- the red queen. sex and the evolution of human nature by matt ridley. talks about the nature of sex in societies where there are fewer intrinsic limits than our own, which in some ways is actually highly regulated.
- what women want, what men want by john marshall townsend. on the basic different evolutionary strategies of men and women particularly w.r.t sex. surprise! we have, at the same time, totally compatible, and conflicting goals.
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the blogs
click on the av's to go to their blogs.
Bliss Warrior's Blog
bliss warrior is my all-time favorite polyamorous writer. she's a female bisexual. bisexuals are just polyamorous naturals in general. she has lots of adventures, many while travelling, and is very focused on the bi-lifestyle and meeting lots of friends. a sort of exotic L-word type blog. unfortunately the blog seems to have gone into hiatus & we're all left hanging. but body of writing she put out was awesome.
keiko alvarez's Blog
keiko alvarez is a brilliant writer with a huge list of published ebooks whose writing focuses on polyamory. officially she refers to herself as an erotic writer. the style borders on literary porn [in all the positive senses of the word]. she doesnt use the term in her writing, but its certainly dripping with intensely polyamorous scenarios. in striking juxtaposition, from what I can tell keiko is very coy and shy in real life in ways and if her real life bears some resemblance to the really wild stories, she's not telling. she's married and talks about her husband in her blog.
SpacesBetween's Blog
spaces between has a icon with a neon "open" sign. how cool is that? and neon is one of my favorite things to collect. written by a female who is married and decided prior to marriage for it to be open. we've traded a few comments. she's also reviewed the "sex at dawn" book.
Currer Bell's Blog
currer bell is a writer who is also not currently active but has a few choice posts on polyamory. she has a husband and kids. she talks about an asymmetrical polyamorous relationship & the struggle of dealing with the aloneness while her husband is away. she doesnt seem to be personally participating from what I can tell.
Chrysalis Earth-Soul's Blog
chrysalis earth-soul is new to polyamory after being introduced to it by her new-age type partner. its a very new blog but looks promising.
Rachel West's Blog
ok, I know this will be a stretch for some to consider escorts as involved in polyamory. but there are some escorts who talk about "girlfriend experience", tantric sex & connection, even intimacy. rachel west is a woman working as an escort for about 1.5yr and talks about her experiences candidly in her blog.
[alas, there was another great/knockout escort on here that I followed/commented & had some cool writing (eg on tantra), but she seems to have deleted her blog. I guess one cannot step in the same river twice....the one that got away.... its a mystery.... did she get out of the biz? meet a knight in shining armor ala Pretty Woman? the mysteries of cyberspace are endless....]
Polly Amore's Blog
polly amore is a brand new writer who looks promising. she started the blog to talk about her "happy, healthy, and openly nonmonogamous marriage". she says she started the blog to specifically challenge the widespread social assumption that males are the ones who always initiate polyamory. which is a little funky/amusing to me. virtually every other writer would be attempting to challenge attitudes or stereotypes on polyamory, she is attempting to challenge a particular stereotype on top of a stereotype, so to speak. nice! subtle! talk about nuance! but polyamory is all about nuance isnt it!
Polly Olga Yobek's Blog
POY works as a sort of courtesan or an indoor escort at a swinger club. she regards herself as mostly bisexual but then fell hard for a "robert hannibal" who she met at her club, and they go on all kinds of sexual adventures together. they've explored most of the best & most glamorous swinger parties in NYC. she has many very colorful posts but one of my favorite is "Orgies and world peace" in which she suggests that sexual noninhibition could lead to fewer terrorists and less terrorism.
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the essays
Why I Hate Monogamy - Sirenita Lake - Open Salon
sirenita lake wrote surely the most famous open salon post on the subject, "why I hate monogamy" with an astounding 125 ratings. I read her blog shortly after I joined open salon and was somewhat inspired to write on the subject after I saw her response.
Sex, Evolution, and the Case of the Missing Polygamists - DudeinHammock - Open Salon
DudeinHammock is the writer christopher ryan. he's actively blogging and has written for psychology today. a brilliant researcher into the ancient historical roots of polyamory. he argues its basic evolutionary nature of humans.
Some thoughts on polyamory, agreements, & the world we make - Franklin Veaux - Open Salon
some thoughts on polyamory, agreements, and the world we make. by franklin veaux. a wideranging intellectual essay relating polyamory to cats, quantum mechanics, science fiction, assumptions, contracts, etcetera.
A Funny Thing Happened On My Way To The Polyamory Movie - the national gadfly - Open Salon
a funny thing happened on my way to the polyamory movie. by the national gadfly. about a movie screening on polyamory. the author approaches it with an open mind, and describes the packed movie theatre. he leaves with a new perspective. he describes the open discussion after the movie.
How Do I Love Thee? (Part 1 of 4) - Behind The Curtain - Open Salon
how do I love thee by behind the curtain. a series of essays on polyamory. the sex at dawn book. helen fisher. etc. many references. authors own experiences. about talking about monogamy vs polyamory.
Polyamoraliciousness and Spirals - metasailor - Open Salon
polyamoraliciousness and spirals. by metasailor. describes finding out that an ex girlfriend has come out as polyamorous. how life goes in circles.
Holy Crap, I’m Polyamorous! - RavingBits - Open Salon
holy crap Im polyamorous by raving bits. link to an essay on polyamory and the authors reactions.
Shrill Monogamy - Toby Beth Jarman - Open Salon
shrill monogamy by toby beth jarman. review of the book "cleaving" by julie powell [author of the julie and julia movie]. the author had an affair and talks about the challenges of moral sanctimoniousness, and the blogger further analyzes the analysis.
Conversations with a swinger - MyOnlyOutlet - Open Salon
conversations with a swinger by myonlyoutlet. an extended dialog between two characters on the subject of polyamory and the link to adultery on the sly.
The Map of Non-Monogamy - Lyle Bateman - Open Salon
the map of nonmonogamy by lyle bateman. on a weird, impossibly/hilariously complex/convoluted diagram that attempts to map out the territory and geography of [non] monogamy.
Communal Relationship and A Make-Shift King Size Bed - Darla Carmichael - Open Salon
communal relationship and a make-shift kingsize bed by darla carmichael. one authors experience/encounter with polyamory, a shifting love-triangle.
Auntie Lisa gives you the straight dope on love, monogamy, and other scourges - Eph Zero - Open Salon
auntie lisa gives you the straight dope on love, monogamy, and other scourges. comparing long-term monogamy to a bowl of cereal. facetious, brilliant, hilarious.
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vzn essays polyamory
sexy open relationship/polyamory movie list
marriage--whats the point? musings & many links on polyamory
most famous open marriages.. celebrities & some surprises
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Comments
never heard of this polyamory stuff til i encountered it on the web.
hope i get a gal soon and she or me can try it.
sounds less expensive...
?
Brilliant? I'm blushing. I consider my writing "okay"
I never realized that I focused on polyamory. Hmmm.
Have you noticed that it seems to be women writing about group encounters? Is it because if it were men it would be considered bragging? I don't know. Maybe we are must more interested in the encounters themselves than the interpretation of the encounter.
Thank you for the praise!
JME-- less expensive? not sure what you mean by that. seems to me for the gentlemanly guy participant it might be more expensive because you're going on "dates" more frequently.
tay-- thx for update, I read your blog too!
as for "overutilizing your sexuality", keep up the good work/play haha
This is a vital issue ... the BC court hasn't ruled yet, and it's likely to go to our Supreme Court regardless, but its pretty sobering for supporters of non-monogamy to read the proceedings. http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/story/2011/03/28/bc-polygamy-hearing-jones.html
@lyle--that is worrisome. I was recently at a poly gathering and we discussed the similarities and differences between the gay rights movement and recent poly recognition and activity. One difference that I hadn't thought of, is that poly is perhaps seen as a lifestyle "choice" wherease it is pretty well accepted that gay is something one is born into.
however I have very mixed feelings about this whole gay/poly rights thing. I learn toward a libertarian perspective and ask why the govt has to have so much to do with marriage in the 1st place. to me there are too many laws on marriage and Id like a govt system that is more hands off in this area. the word I always come back to on this is "social engineering". the key issue is probably tax rates which basically give tax incentives for marriage/family, which I dont really think is a legitimate concern of govt ideally. Id like to see a govt system that is basically less intrusive and more blind on marriage rights/laws. Im not sure exactly what this would look like right now, I havent worked out all the details.....
"One difference that I hadn't thought of, is that poly is perhaps seen as a lifestyle "choice" wherease it is pretty well accepted that gay is something one is born into."
thats one possibility but to me its a mistaken one. as the sex at dawn book argues quite eloquently/articulately, if you are human, you are instinctually polyamorous. therefore in some ways, poly is actually even more intrinsic to human nature than gayness. [ooh what a minefield that thesis would be to expand on....]
yes, there are many similarities.. it appears that esp for male gayness, there is strong overlap with polyamory or open relationships.
also, I might have made this pt elsewhere, but while "down low" polyamory aka "cheating" is quite common, polyamory is pretty rare, and I think polys are actually even more rare than gays. so gays are estimated at 1/10 of the population, and Id roughly, wildly estimate polys as maybe 1/10th of the gays!! quite a slice of a slice there.... to talk about it as a "minority" is in some ways paradoxical. "cheating" is near ubiquitous at rates that some estimate at say 30% of entire population, but self-identified polys are only at say 1/100 .... wild stuff man.
the 1/10 of 1/10 is just a number Im pulling out of the air, alas I dont think anyone has done a statistical study.
the number of polys might correlate well with the # of people who identify themselves as swingers, as there seems to be a strong overlap there also...
Nice idea. Real polyamory as opposed to fucking around are two very different things.
Based on my own experiences and the anecdotal reports of others, I really DO believe that we are in many ways "hard-wired" for infidelity, or at least we have conflicting reproductive strategies, which include both fidelity AND infidelity. A book which helped me to come to this conclusion while I was still in college is The Nature & Evolution of Female Sexuality by Sherfey (may be out of print now). It posits the theory that women's sex-drive is actually MORE intense and stronger than men's, and all of the societal prohibitions against female promiscuity are designed to curb this tendency so that society can function and culture can evolve. It's an interesting theory.
Even though I have very deep feelings for one particular man, and would like to have some sort of romantic and working partnership with him one day (perhaps after my career as an escort is over), I don't know that I could ever go back to "regular" monogamy again. I was married and have been in several other long-term relationships when I was younger, but I have really come to enjoy and appreciate the VARIETY of having multiple lovers. This is both from the standpoint of the actual sex itself, but also because of the friendships and intimacy which develops with these partners which can ONLY exist because of the physical intimacy we share, I believe. I was asking a close friend (who knows about my job) recently, "Why have only one lover when you can have FIVE or TEN?!!" My views are definitly evolving on this issue, and I am certainly still a "work in progress." Thank you for helping me to realize that I AM probably a true poly, and for encouraging me to explore it in my writing. It means a lot!
as for 5-10 partners, I say, the more the merrier. there is certainly a pt where sheer logistics and the time space continuum limitations start to play a role, but who knows what the upper limit is? Luv, the final frontier.... to boldly go where no men or women have gone before, haha wink
@vzn - I am very ambivalent of having the likes of Jeffs or Blackmore as the "example" being used in court cases about poly. In both of those cases, there are alleged criminal activities that are about abuse of power, and abuse of children, that have nothing to do with poly. The problem is, those sorts of poly communities are the only ones really willing to stick their necks out in a public sense. Most other poly communities I belong to are at least partially "secret" ... like the old gay networks, poly people "hide" their true feelings from work colleagues and family members out of fear of reprisal. We meet surreptitiously, even worried about the venues we choose to book and whether they will be willing to entertain a group of people talking about an illegal lifestyle. We consciously shield ourselves from the legal abuse that is threatened against us, for good reason in most cases.
Thing is, gays did exactly the same thing, and they didn't really change by choice. In many ways, they were "perfectly happy" under the old regime ... yes, they were subject to legal punishment in some cases, but its not like secret police were breaking into the apartments of gays and arresting them in the middle of the night. What brought gays to the point of demanding a change in the legal status was the police abuse that occurred in places like Stonewall. Had police largely left places like Stonewall alone and ignored them, the gay movement PROBABLY would have happily stayed in the underground, without the activism we've seen over recent decades. In essence, the aggressive enforcement actually caused the activism,and without that aggressive enforcement, I argue its likely that gays, like poly people today, might never have risen up into activism against those laws. Right now, the poly community seems content to live quietly in the underground, and since no one is REALLY bothering us (unless we do EXTRA things like Jeffs or Blackmore), there isn't an impetus to rise to activism. No one in the community (rightly in my mind) is willing to rise to the defense of Jeffs or Blackmore in anything more than a symbolic way, and until more mainstream poly's are targeted for police persecution, we aren't likely to see much activism in the community, IMO. Activism only REALLY pays when the alternative of not doing anything is clearly worse. After Stonewall, that was CLEARLY the case for gays ... until Polys have their own "Stonewall" I suspect we'll be happy to live quietly in the underground, without making too much noise.
as for the similarities/parallels [thats the word I was searching for] between gay/poly, yes there are many.
the gay rights movement has shown how to take a social taboo and make it more socially acceptable or at least tolerated. its an existence proof so to speak. and its loosely modelled on the civil rights movement.
as for gay rights activism mainly motivated by repression/provocation, in your words "aggressive enforcement". its an interesting theory/thesis & maybe a partial explanation but I dont think its the whole story. yes there are negative reasons for activism that maybe start the movement but then it tends to take on a life of its own, esp after it gains momentum and success, and embrace more positive motivations. it starts out as "society shouldnt be doing [x]" and then graduates slowly into figuring out "society should instead by doing [y]". civil rights, feminism tended to follow this pattern.
as for mainstream movement by the polyamorists, its already happening, and we dont need a Stonewall Riot [you're very historical and erudite, I had to just look that up in wikipedia] for it to spread. hopefully there will not be a clash like that, although I think another "tipping point" type event might happen. I would argue that the "tipping point" events are already in the headline news with stuff like tiger woods, arnold schwarzenegger, anthony weiner, spitzer, that governer whats-his-name with the brazilian honey, etc.... the list is very long. all that is needed is for a public celebrity to openly talk about polyamory. actually, we can also now add to the list charlie sheen. again, maybe not the best poster boy, but boy is he notorious and drawing strong attention to the "cause".... for better or worse.... so yes maybe we are near some basic tipping points as I argue in the above linked essay on marriage.
Its a weird situation ... but Hef is also an elite, and the elites have always been able to get away with more, publicly, than the rest of us can.