hi all. whats new? brief update on me. I havent been writing as much in the blog lately due to summer busyness & also I found a cool site for theoretical computer science, with lots of characters and drama already. alas over here in this world it seems like open salon is drowning in spam. the "recent tab" on the home page, the main way I surf the site, has pages and pages of spam. @#$% this really bums me out, because I joined the site so that ppl might find my blog & I could build up an audience, but the spam is a definite strong repulsive force against newbies. geez man!
for my cyberspatial interests Ive been mainly collecting zillions of links in firefox from my frequent, maybe near-incessant/obsessive daily surfing. I also collect them off the ipad. its a big job with the ipad because I have to email them back to another account and then go back and bookmark them all. its a tedious process! I accrue a few dozen links in a few weeks and then it takes over an hour to rebookmark them all this way. I also have a cool way to export bookmarks into a formatted version. thats some hardcore geek stuff there [parser written in ruby!]
so I have some key topics Im ready to write about, mainly politics with big link lists. Ive written long essays on most of these subjs already [which I hope you can read sometime] but I would like to push out some new blogs with copious links before the election as a personal mini catharsis.
as you longtime/regular readers know [do any of you exist or is this my fantasy? ha], one of my deep "loves" is the subj/philosophy/theory of polyamory. I got to practice it in a simulated/somewhat weaker way in my own earlier life in the form of serial monogamy, which most people dont realize or want to admit has an awful lot of similarity to polyamory. esp if you remain on good terms with prior gfs [which hasnt really happened in my case, but oh well-- not because Im against it].
I think its been an incredible few years for polyamory since I last wrote up a huge movie list of my favorites, not long after I started this blog. this is my highest trafficked post with now more than 45K hits and climbing. Im not exactly sure why it went miniviral, I think it helped that I mentioned big stars, and big movies. so Ill give it a shot to repeat this formula somewhat this time again with even better movies.
polyamory has really hit the bigtime. some real banner years. its in the media, movies, its talked about on the internet. the public is approaching it [dare I say? even converging on it] from many different angles which I like to amuse myself by tracking. I look at it in an all-inclusive way. I dont discriminate as much as the next guy-- thats kinda the point or heart of of polyamory. uh let me just say that I prefer beautiful women, and I recognize thats a big bias in my own perspectives sometimes. but women that others might regard as plain, I regard as having great beauty. sometimes women without makeup knock me out with their beauty. there are other women who look plain, but with makeup look *amazing*.
the big news in hollywood is the two major motion pictures with huge budgets and A-list stars: no strings attached (kutcher/portman), and friends with benefits (timberlake/kunis). a big fat mainstreaming of the concept of polyamory, although of course nobody used that word in reference to them, and both approached in a playful, comedic, only occasionally serious way, as the third act rolls around, and the seriousness in the form of the realization of monogamy as an inevitable and unstoppable force of the universe. one might say that "monogamy" is the answer to what happens in that old conundrum about an irresistable force meeting an immovable object.... or is that an "affair"? I forget hahaha.
these movies had portrayals of polyamory as supposedly more about "dating". and they're so similar its hard to tell them an apart. while they "flirt" through the movie with the concept of nonmonogamy during dating, ultimately they both end up as the standard hollywood paen to monogamy. so its really not much of a change in the standard "chick flick" formula...
I recall the kutcher/portman one as a little more enjoyable to me personally because the timberlake/kunis characters both came off as Type A personalities and I found it hard to relax fully watching them. also, the supposed infidelity in both the movies was, as I recall, itself more simulated/imagined/tantalizing than real. this was played up highly in NSA where the two characters only thought each other was nonmonogamous, and [ugh, near sitcom-level] hilarity ensues. oh well!
another interesting coincidence is that kunis/portman did a pretty amazing lesbian sex scene, shot as a sort of hallucinatory/trip dream, in "black swan". as for portmans role I heard one psychological analysis state that "its rare that a single person can suffer from so many different psychological dysfunctions". I know that when I watch portman, I suffer intensely too! from unrequited luv!
another interesting coincidence, kutcher was hired to replace charlie sheen, the womanizer extraordinaire who went thru a very public apparent bipolar or manic meltdown not long ago. sheen is an admitted users of prostitutes, actually discussing it openly on a semi-infamous episode of charlie rose (but maybe now long forgotten). yeah I read a lot about sheens threesome with the two ladies including brianna the ex porn star (bree olson). its hard to keep the love life of the polyamorous straight.
how do I know that sheen is actually polyamorous? I dont but I think his "wham bam thankyou maam" and "love em and leave em" reputation may be somewhat overblown and an act. I say a guy who calls his girlfriends his "goddesses" cannot be a totally narcissist and lack all empathy. I say he gets at least an honorary degree (uh, for polyamory, that is, wink, wink!). the mail online, actually pretty close to a cyber tabloid, describes him reverentially and tastefully as having a "very unconventional relationship". how modestly british!
the other big sad news is the spectacular flaming relationship wipeout/breakup of Moore and Kutcher. they havent even gotten a divorce yet, right? but kutcher has been dating Mila Kunis lately. there are flying rumors that Demi Moore is bisexual and that her daughters "considered" getting a restraining order against their mom, something that lawyers said made no sense-- you cant get a restraining order from someone calling you, or your own mother, I guess. is there any precedent for that? its a wild world and all kinds of things have happened I guess.
anyway for those of you how think polyamory is the work of the devil, you can point to this one and say "I told you so!" ... I get no schadenfreude over this situation and sincerely hope demi moore can find happiness. however I do think she was the one who divorced bruce willis, an apparently good husband and father, to fall in
elsewhere, speaking of celebrities, Newt Gingrich recently had about 10 minutes of fame running for president, and his ex wife accused him of asking for an open marriage. wow! talk about the 3rd rail! a right wing candidate, *polyamorous*? this is almost as scandalous as mitt romney and his taxes and offshoring and predatory capitalism and .... ah geez Im getting mixed up and kinda confused here.
sofia vergara's boyfirend nick loeb was in the news because some prostitutes accused him of indulging in "multiple partner cocaine fuelled orgies". this is kind of hard to believe, I really dont know. he threatened to sue. Im not sure what came out of this. amazingly sophia vergara acted almost as if nothing had happened. [small world trivia-- note that tom cruise dated vergara many years ago. cruise also dated penelope cruz who was in one of the great polyamorous movies of all time, in my opinion, "vicki christina barcelona" which I included on my last list.] Ive been enjoying sophia vergara in the tv show Modern Family, in fact if she wasnt on the show I wouldnt be watching it!
next Ive included my big grab bag list of links. Ive organized it into sections as usual to melt your brain less and make my near obsessive link collecting look slightly more respectable and reputable.
1st, in poly a smattering of links that show it showing up in the media radar. the NYT calls it out with the headline "Open Marriage's New 15 Minutes". oh! how elite! the gray lady deigns to address the subj in flippant & ephemeral warholianesque terms. then misc articles, including one on ashley madison, that phenomenal fringe web site for polyamorous, I mean spouses seeking affairs, with a phenomenal 15 MILLION members. holy cow. "life is short, have an affair!" dont you just luv that unconventional luv?
and then the two alarmist articles. 8 signs you're about to cheat because you're having an "emotional affair". as a sort of shadow side to the polyamory movement, you can find psychologists who are seriously concerned about a new scary concept called "emotional infidelity" which is supposedly way more possible over the internet. in my book its a new code word for "unauthorized friendship". sounds kinda Orwellian to me, but what do I know? I was born last century! and also, "are kids learning how to be unfaithful in college"? no, ladies & gentlemen, I think they are learning about relationships, but whatever!
next, the celeb section which we just went over and some other amusing tidbits in there.
in blogs, we have lots of colorful stuff from open salon bloggers and wild, adventurous characters extraordinaire. think you'll see a few familiar faces & probably many you havent [open salon is like that.. its a big ocean..] a smattering of open salon blogs Ive read on the subject. I have another list on that if you're interested. see links on the side.
in the expert section we have some real qualified experts actually arguing against monogamy or at least that nonmonogamy is not quite the death of civilization its purported to be by puritans, extreme moslems, and the bible in the Garden of Eden. [who here among us thinks the snake represents infidelity/nonmonogamy?] some even go so far as to argue [gasp] that it can have psychological, intimacy and relationship benefits. holy cow! Im glad *somebody* is now looking into this wild stuff! maybe we should do some serious, studious and focused further inquiry into this, ie dive into it deeply, wink wink
then theres the links that argue its "natural" or "instinctual". theres a mountain of evidence along these lines for anyone who wants to take a little walk on the wild side [er, I mean, read highly intellectual studies of highly primal behaviors]. ie a biological and very old historical basis. yeah Ive been studying evolutionary psychology now for over a decade, and this is all right down my alley. another subj that is slowly creeping into the mainstream consciousness.
its also fascinating how much evolutionary psychology ties in with the origins of psychology in freudian theory. but I have yet to see a good reference that makes that connection. freud is supposedly obsessed with sex, and he's downplayed or even lambasted for that, but evolutionary psychology would have him laughing in his grave. or at least mischeivously raising his eyebrow.
finally, some 1sthand accounts from people who tried it and concluded that their lives did not blow up but were in fact altered in a positive or dare I say it? enriched.
ah, so anyway there you have it, all kinds of wild musings on polyamory. theres lots to fantasize about in here. Im going to fantasize that some beautiful woman is going to write me an IM after reading this and immediately contact me for a juicy fling. er, maybe not. but at least write me a comment and Ill be overjoyed with the small evidence that Im not just entirely talking to myself. or should I say Id "luv" to hear from ya =)
uh, ok, so maybe you think Im a little freaky, well I guess I must admit to that, guilty as charged. if luv is a crime, then sign me up for a lifetime sentence. to me "polyamory" is really about an expanded/expansive version of love. beyond the strict, ubiquitous limitations and constraints we unknowingly live and swim in today, like fish in [cloudy] water. its the ultimate subversion. for the ultimate contrarians.
osho had some profound things to say about love in the book Osho-- love, freedom, and aloneness, the koan of relationships:
People are unaware that they don't know what love is. Love never suspects, love is never jealous. Love never interferes in the other's freedom. Love never imposes on the other. Love gives freedom, and the freedom is possible only if there is space in your togetherness.
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- NYT: Open Marriage's New 15 Minutes
- Harry Styles effect: More than half of cheating married women admit to taking a toy-boy lover | Mail Online
- Samantha Parent Walravens: Women In Their 40s Are Having Great Sex... Just Not With Their Husbands
- Cheating Husband: AshleyMadison.com Reveals The Typical Cheating Husband
- Emotional Affair: 8 Signs You're About To Cheat
- Vicki Larson: Are Kids Learning How To Be Unfaithful in College?
- ‘Open Marriage’ Destroyed Demi Moore And Ashton Kutcher’s Relationship | Radar Online
- Ashton Kutcher and 'bisexual' Demi Moore to divorce amid claims couple practiced 'open marriage' | Mail Online
- The Gingrich Question: Cheating vs. Open Marriage - Room for Debate - NYTimes.com
- Memo to the News Media: Newt Didn't Want an 'Open Relationship' -- He Just Wanted to Cheat | News & Politics | AlterNet
- 'I'm telling the truth': Gingrich's ex-wife stands by claims he left her for another woman to boost his career after wanting 'open marriage'
- China Sex Scandal Photos Emerge (PHOTOS)
- Chinese wife-swapping charge sparks debate - World Blog
- Sofia Vergara's on/off boyfriend Nick Loeb 'indulged in multiple-partner cocaine-fuelled orgies' | Mail Online
- Charlie Sheen, girlfriends Bree Olson and Natalie Kenly describe their life together - NYPOST.com
- Charlie Sheen's 'Godesses': 'We take turns sleeping in the middle' | Mail Online
- PHOTOS: Charlie Sheen's Porn Star Girlfriends -- See Them In All Their Glory | Radar Online
- The Client List (TV 2010) - IMDb — A young woman takes a job at a massage parlor to support her family when her husband is unable to work, and soon finds her life spiraling out of control. starring Jennifer Love Hewett, a world class hottie even if she humanly battles with cellulite. a girl with "love" as a middle name is after my own heart. ok, this one is only very borderline polyamorist. the female protagonist struggles through rejection for acceptance for her profession.
- Cougars, Inc. (2011) - IMDb — Sam has been expelled from every school and now he must find a creative way to pay for school, which he finds in an escort business entitled Cougars, Inc., leading to lessons he never expected to get. starring Denise Richards, ex wife of polyamorist charlie sheen who filed restraining order against him.
- No Strings Attached (2011) - IMDb — A guy and girl try to keep their relationship strictly physical, but it's not long before they learn that they want something more. starring natalie portman and ashton kutcher. my sig other says she wants a "free pass" for kutcher if he shows up. portman taking this facetious role after the stellar "black swan" was laughed at by critics, but I commend her for it & think she was on to something even bigger =)
- Friends with Benefits (2011) - IMDb — While trying to avoid the clichés of Hollywood romantic comedies, Dylan and Jamie soon discover however that adding the act of sex to their friendship does lead to complications. starring justin timberlake and mila kunis. kunis is coincidentally dating ashton kutcher and its getting hot and heavy. timberlake is having a great career in movies & seems to have achieved full respectability. I also liked him in the scifi thriller In Time.
- How to Be a Player (1997) - IMDb — A playboy gets the tables turned on him when a party is arranged with all of the women he has been two-timing are in attendance. Bill Bellamy is a really funny and sexy comedian, check out his act on dvd, and he's done several highly polyamorous style movies. I havent seen two of his others & gotta watch em and probably add em to the list. the women in this one are really hot =)
- IMDb - The Freebie (2010) — A young couple decides to give each other a night off, no questions asked. to say that this one ends in tears would be an understatement. some pretty raw acting. almost like a horror movie for monogamists and nonmonogamists alike.
- Eyes Wide Shut (1999) - IMDb — A New York City doctor, who is married to an art curator, pushes himself on a harrowing and dangerous night-long odyssey of sexual and moral discovery after his wife admits that she once almost cheated on him. I noticed I didnt have this classic polyamory picture on my first list, with tom cruise and nicole kidman. cruise is of course in the news lately. I dont really think cruise is very polyamorous, because he seemed to have broken up with his wife Kidman long before he met or dated any other women. (in contrast to the infamous love triangle of my generation, brad pitt and angelie jole and jennifer anniston love triangle). so cruise qualifies to me as an intense serial monogamist.
- Bending All the Rules (2002) - IMDb — An ambitious woman with an odd upbringing struggles to find herself amidst juggling two guys she's dating. starring bradley cooper.
- IMDb - Cougar Hunting (2011) — Tells the tale of three buddies in their 20's whose love-lives are in shambles. They go to Aspen to pursue the booming trend of dating cougars: hot older women who prey on hot young guys. this movie had no major stars but it did show the "dark side" of polyamory with a sort of female Hugh Hefner predator character.
- Cougar Club (2007) - IMDb — When Spence and Hogan graduate from college, life is bleak. They have to work for heinous divorce lawyers that torture them...
- Boy Toy (2011) - IMDb — An unsuccessful underwear model gears up for the role of his life. with morgan fairchild as a cougar. boy has she changed since her dynasty days.
- Hall Pass (2011) - IMDb — Rick and Fred, two husbands who are having difficulty in their marriages, are given a Hall Pass by their wives: for one week, they can do whatever they want. famous directors the farrelly brothers weigh in with their take on polyamory or nonmonogamy and the comedy and horrors thereof (with a semifamous shower scene even more creepy than Psycho!). with one of the funniest guys in the movies, owen wilson (see also Midnight in Paris). christina applegate.
- Just Go with It (2011) - IMDb — On a weekend trip to Hawaii, a plastic surgeon convinces his loyal assistant to pose as his soon-to-be-divorced wife in order to cover up a careless lie he told to his much-younger girlfriend. adam sandler, jennifer aniston, brooklyn decker. a love triangle with strong themes of polyamory. but it collapses into the standard mainstream-palatable-sanitized (near cliche-vacuous?) monogamist mold at the end.
- A Dangerous Method (2011) - IMDb — A look at how the intense relationship between Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud gives birth to psychoanalysis. directed by David Cronenberg [see his amazing matrix-like movie eXistenz!] starring michael fassbender as Jung, Viggo Mortensen as Freud, and Keira Knightley a deranged patient who recovers through sexual liberation. this movie was esp good for me in my intellectual approach to sexuality. people who find this movie interesting should also look into the remarkable character of the psychologist Wilhelm Reich whom I hope someone makes a movie or documentary about some day.
- I Want to Marry Ryan Banks (TV 2004) - IMDb — Ryan Banks's manager and old friend, Todd, comes up with the idea to have Ryan be the bachelor on a reality dating show in order to clean up his image. The only problem is, Todd falls in love with Charlie, the girl Ryan has chosen to propose to. also starring bradley cooper although he has the monogamist relationship and the nonmonogamist relationship by Jason Priestley is portrayed as a sort of reality show circus farce (sorry for the redundancy there).
- He's Mine Not Yours (2011) - IMDb — complicated love triangle between a man and two women, one of whom was hired by another to trick the man into committing infidelity.
- The Other Side of the Bed (2002) - IMDb — Two couples entwine on their search for love. starring paz vega. vega is in a few polyamorous style movies, Im a huge fan of hers, she can be a real smoldering white-hot femme fatale on screen.
- Something Borrowed (2011) - IMDb — Friendships are tested and secrets come to the surface when terminally single Rachel falls for Dex, her best friend Darcy's fiancé. a bunch of "friends" have some flings with each other and struggle with the deeper meanings/relationships. starring kate hudson.
- Wanderlust (2012) - IMDb — Rattled by sudden unemployment, a Manhattan couple surveys alternative living options, ultimately deciding to experiment with living on a rural commune where free love rules. starring jennifer aniston, paul rudd, justin theroux. coincidentally jennifer anniston and theroux have recently announced their engagement. theroux is almost unrecognizable in this movie. I found the movie quite entertaining and especially like the ayhuasca tea scene because ayhuasca, one of my interests in studying, almost never shows up in the movies.
- Friends with Kids (2011) - IMDb — Two best friends decide to have a child together while keeping their relationship platonic, so they can avoid the toll kids can take on romantic relationships. this is another "I told you so" vehicle for monogamists. as a sort of climax has one of the most intense multicouple verbal fight scenes Ive ever seen in the movies-- a little too real!
- Midnight in Paris (2011) - IMDb — A family travel to the French capital for business. The party includes a young engaged couple who are forced to confront their differing views of a perfect life. by woody allen, one of the legendary serial monogamists of our time. starring owen wilson and rachel mcadams. to me this is a vanilla portrayal of serial monogamy that borders on polyamory or has a weak/sanitized/ulterior theme of polyamory.
- Crazy, stupid, love (2011) - IMDB — A middle-aged husband's life changes dramatically when his wife asks him for a divorce. He seeks to rediscover his manhood with the help of a newfound friend, Jacob, learning to pick up girls at bars. starring steve carell, julianne moore, ryan gosling, emma stone. this is another movie that basically has serial monogamy that borders on polyamory. carell also plays a character vaguely related to his classic "40 year old virgin" role. and the women are just all in a lather about ryan gosling these days. he reminds me of a young brad pitt. esp the body!
- Monogamish Week! - Candice Reich - Open Salon
- How my wife and I really met - Heinz Thorvald - Open Salon
- Polyamory on Good Morning America - Jacqueline Allain - Open Salon
- The Love Lives of Friends - Hayley Rose - Open Salon
- Open Marriage (circa 1960’s) - Willett . - Open Salon
- On non-monogamy - George Sand - Open Salon
- My Non-Coming Out Story - Renata Costa - Open Salon
- In Defense of Casual Sex: Sex without commitment can improve your life. | Stanley Siegel
- Is Everyone Really Just Doing It? | Psychology Today
- Friends with Benefits? | Psychology Today
- Eric Anderson, Ph.D.: Is Cheating a Rational Choice?
- Robert Hughes, Jr.: Does Extramarital Sex Cause Divorce?
- Keeping Marriage Alive with Affairs, Asexuality, Polyamory, and Living Apart | Psychology Today
- Can Infidelity Make a Relationship ... Stronger? | Sex & Relationships | AlterNet
- Vicki Larson: Why Men Need To Cheat
- Is Cheating the Rational Reaction to Monogamy? | Sex & Relationships | AlterNet
- Monogamy unnatural for our sexy species - CNN.com
- Dirty Minds: How the Brain Evolved to Glorify Monogamy Yet Make Screwing Around Irresistible | Sex & Relationships | AlterNet
- Why Is Monogamy Idealized When Most People Aren't Monogamous? | Sex & Relationships | AlterNet
- Is your husband having an affair actually proof that he loves you? | Mail Online
- Jessie Sherman: Open Marriage: My Husband's Girlfriend Sent Him Flowers
- Jennifer Garam: Why I Had an Affair With a Married Man
- Why WOULD an intelligent, middle aged, middle class woman be happy being the other woman forever? | Mail Online
- What Happened When My Wife and I Decided to Have Sex With Other People | Sex & Relationships | AlterNet
- Honey, I'm Home From My Date: Mass. Families Open Up About Open Marriage - ABC News
- Swingers: Inside the Secret World of Provocative Parties and Couples Who 'Swap' - Page 1
- Jessie Sherman: Open Marriage: My Husband's Girlfriend Sent Him Flowers
- Polyamorous woman Jaiya Ma has baby with lover while living with boyfriend | Mail Online