I used to love travel because it turned me on my ear, so to speak. Now, with computers, that is less true. I do take a computer wherever I go, and that seems to mean that every place is some same version of my same self.
I have had a painful year. The pain, oddly, goes with me each time I travel ergo: I am painful and painfilled for some clear reasons and as much for reasons that half- elude me.
In my presentation of myself here as in RL I have come off as pretty kewl, which I see is only one of many truths. Never have I thought of myself as pathetic but one recent night in NYC and last night here on Maui--they felt the same. I was pathetic which is not the end of the world esp if you see, as I tend to, the world as theater of the absurd.
There is something humbling in playing parts i've managed to avoid.
In NYC I was alone and hungry. I have a thing about restaurants, to wit against them, even though when younger i'd read or write and eat alone occasionally without a thought.
But on this particular freezing night, I bought chicken and rice from a corner stand, the kind that sells hotdogs. I told the man behind the truck that my teeth weren't strong and he spent 12 minutes cutting the chicken into tiny portions. Nice of him.
The sign from Central Park South seven blocks south of me said it was 9 pm and 43 degrees. The chicken man suggested I eat at a bench in the middle of broadway and 64nd st. But it was cold. I knew there was a heated storefront near by for the homeless. But when I did not see it --a block south I learned the next day, I took my tiny meal to another bench, one with a huge statue that broke the winds.
I felt lonely but liked this statues' company. Eating, yes, I was forlorn, not least because i had been victim of yet another theft, but also I now recall because the theif stole my only belt. So I had walked a lot but had to hold up my pants which felt absurd, also: uncomfortable.
The cold was bothering me too as I slowly ate, when tourists came by and several seeing me eating alone with a new statue, began taking my photo. I did not look up. I was eating junk, alone, now freezing but dreading the pants-falling walk home. Pathetic was me.
When i got to Maui, I fell on the top stair my first morning here and broke a finger which is why I'm typing so slowly. It was, however, great to be back here seeing those I love.
Then something happened. My SIL brought her boyfriend of 4 years over, this after we had a great time my first nights, she sleeping over, John h. my buddy, upstairs, a beloved doctor atending to me, and finding it easy, having fun. Patethic? I forgot all about pathetic.
Sunday afternoon SIL and her guy came to visit. It was for me and I believe for he a beatiful, soulful night. We talked, all three, so openly and ended up with candle prayers for each of us, each picking what was most important to heal and no, i didn't even think of my finger. We were in a soul realm.
So I thought.
After, they left the candles looked cursed, dead and unmoving, totally rare in my experience. I emailed her so.
Next day I get a letter that she was 'devastated' because much of what I said she feared would make him--the man who loves her want me.
INSANITY. I responded to her email that she had the wrong address. The adress is her guy who loves her & the truth. (I never ever flirt with others' lovers, and we had no physical attraction but a family soul feast--or so I had thought.)
She responded, apologized for being 'crazy' but i realized she and I were not going to have the time we planned, reading and writing together because I know her and doubt she told him anything. There went my plans for T'giving.So she won't be here but spending tomorrow with him, my newphew, her son, not with me and John, as assumed.
Last night, still in shock at the accusations, I walked to a hotel near by, my finger still throbbing. I never drink. Never. But in my sadness I sat at some piano cafe and had a mojito or some such, with couples or families all about. I love great conversations but had not one.
The drink made me very sad and there right here in Maui recurred that sense of being pathetic, unloved, alone. Theatre but if absurd, also SAD.