The sign is still there, it almost went down a few years ago, but it a public outcry protected the landmark bilingual sign, a symbol of the dual character of this city. Yes, and here I am, trying to revisit my youth, but can't even get out of this bed, lucky… Read full post »

Another night

With pain in sight

No more relief

I'm supposed to sleep

But the best alarm

Keeps ringing inside

And the silly verse

Springs from a dead brain

All day I kill it with TV

No end in sight

No relief or demise

Just pain and numbness

The numbness of… Read full post »

pain pain pain

no choice no exit

pain pain pain

constant rain on the brain

no umbrella can shield

no towel can dry

the pain pain that rots inside

drills holes in my soul

bare to the bone and beyond pain

are those who know better

who always know better

yet… Read full post »

The truth in life is harsh. The truth is nobody has patience for the suffering. Nobody wants to watch another cry, so you just pretend we don't exist, or you tune into another channel, which amounts to the same. I know, I've been there. Now I am here in the valley… Read full post »

Here's to a dreamland America - not the one from my teenage dreams, but the one reflected here, in Open Salon, by moonlight. After the full moon comes darkness. It doesn't creep in, it hits you suddenly, like a 4x4 in an empty corridor, like a Jarmush movie so depressing and… Read full post »

Astronomers say, if memory serves me well, this is one of the special nights when the moon shines the brightest because it is closest to our dear old Earth. I saw the full moon tonight, bright, white and strong. I don't need any exterior lighting tonight to illuminate the driveway.  Do… Read full post »

I went to a poetry reading last night. And the poet said he was happy to have won the $50,000 prize, because he needed twice as much per year to support his family... Yes he's got his MBA, but can and should he call himself a poet? Somehow the two words… Read full post »

Suddenly it hit me: the States really is in a recession. It didn't come in the form of a lay-off or a major economic crisis. It came in the form of a change in tradition. Each year my wealthy Texas friends would regale me with their tales of the traditional Thanksgiving… Read full post »

For I was in pain

- and you refused to lessen it.

For you used to be my friend

- and you forgot me.

For I was weak

- and you ignored me.

For I was shut-in

- and you did not visit me.

For I called you

- and… Read full post »

The past few weeks have been some of the worst I've had in my life. The unbearable pain kept me awake at night and immobilized during the day. I was desperate.  And to top it off a three day blackout had cut me off from the comforts of civilization: without electricity… Read full post »

I used to be able to sit down and just write a stream of consciuosness and at the end of it I had a pretty good, coherent piece. Nowadays I can't even write a paragraph without major effort. I've been thinking about pain and discomfort, and my mind is full of… Read full post »

It's three am on yet another Wednesday. I'm wailing in pain while the TV screams in Samantha's extasis to the voice of Aida. My mind blocker works, it must be the nth time I've seen this episode and yet I don't remember the details. I close the plastic bag trying in… Read full post »

In the past few months I have re-connected with several old high-school friends. Most of them were part of my "pack", the group of gals and guys who hung around together between classes, went to parties together, went on school trips together, escaped classes to go to the town fair together...… Read full post »

My friend's daughter sent me this poem (she's five!)

In the woods
I love to sing
w'en I walk I try to by silent
And wen ever I go I si somtheng nyow
I love you. You love me
an the berds ar singing
The skeye is bloo
werever I wok I si somthig nyoo

Don't judge me

Don't feel sad

Don't try to change me

I am just fine

Wearing my old grey pijamas

Letting the world go by in its rush

While I sit back and relax with a good book

Indulge in the guilty pleasures of a shallow TV show

While you run… Read full post »

I have discovered the medicinal power of a drink.

For the past twelve months I’ve had to play nurse to self and change dressings on a stinking, bloody and disgusting wound. There is no amount of painkillers that has been able to soothe the pain, no treatment or dressing that… Read full post »

I'm still alive

although I've begged God to kill me

I'm still breathing

despite the breath-taking pain

I'm still in pain

and nobody cares

Pain is my life now

along with the futon in front of the TV

watching endless Sex and the City

in the far away… Read full post »

Dear Family and Friends:

I didn't write one of our customary Merry Christmas letters last year because I was depressed. I felt there was nothing to write about now that our marriage was over and I hadn't come back to my job, to any job, or done anything of bragging… Read full post »

So we wanted to do something fun today, get out and see the colours. After all, tomorrow's forecast is rain, and we all know what happens to autumn leaves when it rains. They fall. Well, my dad had sent Thursday a document through Fedex that my Mom had forgotten. They promised… Read full post »

I don't know what to say. She's here. To "help". To remind me how pathetic my life is. To make me feel guilty for feeling ungrateful that she's making this sacrifice. I wish she'd found her own life to live. I love her, but no matter how bad my life is… Read full post »

In exploring the debilitating wisdom of undending pain I come to realizations unwhole and unworthy. Nobody cares so why should I? because I hurt, that's why. Nobody wants to listen to undending whining - thanks God for blogs. Nobody needs to read this - perhaps, hopefully, myself sometime in a pain-l… Read full post »

I've become one of those without voice. Why? Because nobody wants to hear a truly sad story that keeps repeating itself. I am so painfully aware of those even worse than me, those stuck inside the hospitals, nursing homes and other "caring" facilities. And even more painful is that I have… Read full post »

First - you want it gone.

Second - you'll take and do anything to get rid of it.

Third - nothing works.

Fourth - it keeps coming back.

Fifth - it makes you lose weight.

Sixth - it keeps your friends away.

Seventh - begging doesn't help.

Eighth -  crying doesn't… Read full post »

I went out for lunch to my neighbourhood joint, one of those small holes-in-the wall where I can sit down with the cook and chat about her daughter's migraine while she smothers the top of my sandwich with guacamole and slaps extra hand-cut fries on my plate after she learns why… Read full post »

From the end of my rope

I type this declaration

What I want to share

Is a wholehearted frustration

With doctors and nurses and medical systems

With pain that keeps nagging

And ulcers that fester

With mountains of mulch waiting for a hand

With weeds that keep growing never-do-you-mind

With waiting… Read full post »