In the past few months I have re-connected with several old high-school friends. Most of them were part of my "pack", the group of gals and guys who hung around together between classes, went to parties together, went on school trips together, escaped classes to go to the town fair together... For a few years after high school we managed to keep in touch, then life happened and they became a faint memory. Now thanks to Facebook those memories come back to haunt my middle-aged crisis.
Yes I was mostly a happy girl in high-school. It was a time full of time, and future, and reckless fun. A time of discovery. Now that the future is here on the Facebook page, with pictures telling more than a thousand words, I discover my mistakes again. The guys I ignored turn out to be handsome and successful university profs, the ones I had a crush on turn out to be overweight...But there is one who stands out, the hero and anti-hero of one of those summers that we remember forever as "the best"...I had a crush on him, he had a crush on my sister and together we made an unhappy happy travelling trio in the back of my parents station wagon. It was the summer of The American Roadtrip.
Today I received an e-mail from him. An apology e-mail.
The unwanted apology opened back a wound I thought had healed. I discovered the crushed heart is still there, the pain still hurts when it comes to the surface. How can you accept an apology for a crushed teenage heart? It is all in the past, buried under countless further disappointments and mistakes, part of a bittersweet memory of a fun summer cherished with nostalgia.
How can you apologize for not falling in love with someone? Why apologise for something you couldn't possibly control? Especially since your heart was never mine, never will be. Why bring up the pain?
The guy is married now, and while life has had ugly twists and turns for both of us, there is no possibility of coming together like anything but friends. So why an apology? I am at a loss of words for this reunion.