The other day my friend Julie mentioned that she would be attending a different church today.  She posted the website and upon visiting it, I found that this church was named “Current.”  Now I ask you, when did we start naming churches after radio stations?  In the last few weeks I have run across several of these Churches on the web, including:

• The River
• Edge
• The Mountain
• The Valley
• The Torch
• The Rising
• Revolution, and the church which started this reflection
• Current

Do these names even make sense when applied to churches . . . especially the more geographical of them?  Here are some names I’ll bet you’ll never see, but which may be more appropriate for many churches:

• The Culvert
• The Ditch
• The Plateau
• The Sinkhole 

Or instead of a name like Current, I think many more churches could be more accurately named “Stale” or “Best Attended Before 1960"

Then there are churches that have names with Biblical allusions, like:

• The Narrow Gate
• The Cross Walk 
• Tree of Life
• Sword of the Spirit Worship Center, and wait for it . . . 
• Lamb’s Quarters

I have a few more suggestions in this vein as well.  How about:

• Hen’s Wings (Matthew 23:37, for those of you less biblically literate)
• Elijah’s Mantle (for the Spirit-filled congregations out there) – 2 Kings 2
• Elisha’s Bears (for church’s that specialize in Judgment) – Also 2 Kings 2
• Tree of Good and Evil – Genesis 3
• Balaam’s Ass – Numbers 22

One of the silliest names I saw was “I Am’s Way.”  If it were me, I would go with “Yahweh’s Way,” which is more poetic, or just “Yah’s Weh.”

Then there are those churches which emphasize how “new” they are, even if they have been around for years.  

• New Life
• New Day
• New Hope
• New Faith

How about this one instead?  New Version of the SOS Church

Hand in hand with “new,” are churches that focus on living, life or alive, such as:

• Living Stones
• Living Faith
• Living Hope
• Alive in Christ
• Faith Alive

As for me, I would prefer:

• Living Large
• Living Loud
• Living Life

or more accurate for some churches:  The Living Dead

Many churches nowadays use the imagery of houses or other dwelling places in their names, like:

• House of God
• House of Worship 
• House of Praise
• House of Hope                
• Ransomer’s House (Hmmm . . . right)
• The Lighthouse
• The Light’s House (Puhlease . . . )
• House of Christian Worship
• The Rapture Room (Lord, Have Mercy)
• Grace Place (Cute, huh?)
• The Hope Station

Here are few more I have come up with to add to this list:

• Christ’s Cottage/Conduminium
• God’s Garage or The Holy Ghost Garage
• The Spirit’s Space or my favorite in this category:  
• Jesus’ Joint or Jehovah’s Joint

And then there are the church’s that name themselves after a worship and praise song.  I am talking, of course, about “Heart of Worship.”

But instead of focusing on the praise song aspect of this name, how about going with the anatomical allusion instead.  Then we could have churches like:

• Spleen of Sanctification Holiness Assembly
• Tongues of Praise Pentecostal Temple
• Fingers of Faith Fellowship (where foot washing is a sacrament along with Communion and Baptism, and where every service features that ubiquitous staple of Christian youth groups: the mass back rub)
• Eyes of Eschatology Edifice (A Pre-Tribulation, Pre-Millenial, Rapture-Centered Fellowship)
• Adonai’s Appendix
• Live(r) of Love and my fave:  
• Bowels of Belief

In looking at these trends in church names, I have decided that should I ever start a church of my own it would be called:

“The New Life Rising Fellowship on the Edge of the River in the Valley by the Mountain” (AKA, “The House of Faith, Hope, Love, Worship, and Praise with a Foundation of Really Big Stones and a Cross Light set on the Hill, not under a Bushel”)

Or maybe I would just go with:

“The Church Where Their Worm Dieth Not, and the Fire Is Not Quenched” – a reference to a refrain Jesus uses in Mark 9:44, 46, and 48 (King James Version naturally – since modern heretical versions often leave out 44 and 46).

And then there is the church that my friend Jim Jannotti and I have often threatened to start, named simply “Will and Jim’s First Church of Jesus.”

What do you think?