In a recent little whip-up in these parts, I was told not to judge. I'd never been in the same situation, said someone who knows nothing about me. I always tell people not to get into that particular rassling match, if only because you have no clue who's sitting on what experience.
And for that reason if no other, I don't judge other's actions. As a general rule. I do respect that conditions, experiences and the prevailing wind make people act in ways I may not agree with, but that they are fully welcome to raise their personal ante and play their hand.
Unless.
Unless those actions are going to impact those who have not been given the same courtesy. I'll be honest: sob stories on OS are a dime a dozen. Hell, they're a dime a dozen in the entire publishing world. But the following piece, which as a column of mine ran a couple of years back, wasn't intended as a sob story. It's a truth. It's a truth I've lived with every day for 29 years.
You want to aid someone to head off drunk in a car, comforting yourself that they will be okay, and that there aren't too many other cars on the road?
You want to gamble with someone you love? Fine. But don't gamble with someone I love.
End of a fairy tale
Jun 07, 2007
Wheels Columnist
When I was in Grade 11, a boy finally asked me out. He was tall and blond and sweet, but the most attractive quality he possessed was that he was attracted to me. When he came to meet my parents, I saw him pull into the driveway in a big red van. What my parents saw was a broken down, rusty, creaky beast the colour of off-season waxy tomatoes, emitting gasoline vapours and an air of neglect.It was a chariot of indeterminate age, with pounds of Bondo struggling to stay adhered to the rocker panels running down both sides. It looked like someone had sprayed reddish cottage cheese onto it, and when bits fell off we spent weekends adding more.
There wasn’t a lick of carpet left in the thing, and the stick shift was a floor-mounted metal rod that trembled violently at 50 km/h. The driver’s door didn’t open, and the engine occasionally made loud banging sounds as if some tiny angry gnome with a large hammer was trapped under the hood.
After a couple months, he showed up with my nickname stencilled on the doors. You know it’s love when a guy stencils your name on his van. My mother got that stiff little smile on her face, adoring the boy, but flummoxed that her daughter could picture herself as Cinderella in this junkyard carriage.
For a year after the eventual demise of the van, my parents saw us through the succession of cars that sighed into the driveway held together with duct tape and prayers. Though several years older than me, Allan was still figuring out the man he would become, and what that man would drive.
Thankfully, my parents also saw the boy who brought me flowers every Sunday, who loved our crazy family dinners and would drive miles from work just to see me for 15 minutes at lunchtime. How could they not love a boy who always had me home on time, and performed the role of first love with dignity and grace?
And then one day it happened. He pulled up in his dream car — a 1964 Plymouth Valiant convertible, as blue as the summer sky it was parked under. My name wasn’t stencilled on the door this time, but his exuberance for the fact that the car and I were the same year was infectious. I was too smitten to consider the implication that I was being compared to something with a wonky leaf spring and a roomy trunk.
It’s generous to say Allan wasn’t much of a mechanic, and while there were various things wrong with this little beauty, they were all hidden away beneath the sparkling, metal flake surface. After years of popping clutches, jump-starting batteries and getting towed to the wreckers, he finally had a car that turned heads for all the right reasons. For a glorious, fleeting time, he was That Guy, and I got to be the girl with That Guy.
A week before his 21st birthday, and a week after my 17th, this beautiful boy was killed by a drunk driver. He died in the vehicle he spent a lifetime getting to. The gaping hole that was punched in too many lives when he died remains as tender and devastating 25 years later.
Don’t drive if you drink. Don’t let your friends do it, and don’t think it can’t happen to you. The only thing harder than living the rest of your life with this black ache in your heart would be to know you caused that lifelong pain for someone else.
Allan was killed at 1am as he drove home from a late shift. He was killed by a young man, who spent no time in jail. Allan didn't drink. At all.
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Comments
Last night, I posted a darkly-humorous PSA about DUI. If you see it, I hope you don't find it in bad taste.
And it seems always to be the ones like yours who die.
A man in Kentucky killed 27 children once when he hit their school bus with his car. Dozens more were injured. He wasn't hurt at all, but spent time in jail. He says he has no memory of that 'accident.' But the kids' families and friends do, probably every day.
I think you are right to judge these things.
Thanks
rated
You may not be Dorothy Parker, but you'd make her proud.
Drunk drivers kill - sooner or later, they kill. It cannot be allowed to continue. There is a guy here who has had 17 license suspensions/revocations due to DUIs. Why he is still not in jail for life is beyond me - probably because he has not yet killed someone. But you have to figure if you're a judge, once they're back for the fifth time they haven't learned a damn thing.
Thumbed. You go ahead and judge, you've obviously been there.
I thought.
We all owe each other more, and well, better. Just better.
Trudge: same message, lighter delivery ;)
cartouche - I'll take all those extra zeros...thnx
bbe - I may need guns around these parts..
Stephen - always the drunks that walk away, no?
1womansvu - thank you
mical - nice to see you, and thanks
marcelleqb - thank you
LLB - guess the ghosts are finding both of us today. hold tight.
Myriad - thank you
Dolores - torn fabric; can't be repaired. I'm so sorry.
Bill - I think we all need to judge, frankly. Courts are doing a lousy job. Thanks for dropping by.
This gives me new insight into your piece this weekend, the one about letting our son get some highway experience on a late night drive home.
Well done on both. Nice to see you back.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I'll see cartouche's 100000 percent and raise it exponentially to the Nth power.
I called the police on the alcoholic love of my life one afternoon after a 7-day binge after he wobbled to the door with his keys, refused to let me take them away, and stumbled to his car.
He was arrested literally a half-block away, passed out cold in the driver's seat with the engine running, with a quarter-consumed brand new 750 of vodka between his legs.
I will never regret making that call. I would make that call again. Even though it ultimately led to the end of the relationship. I don't know who he may have harmed or killed that day if I hadn't made the call. I'm glad I don't know, because I made the only decision I could.
Alcoholism is awful. I have sympathy.
But an alcoholic with keys and a car is a bomb with a hair trigger. It's not about protecting the alcoholic at that point. It's about protecting everybody else. Sure, the bomb probably won't go off. But if it does, it'll be destroyed...along with people like Allan.
I am not judging, exactly.
But I can see why you do.
I am so sorry for your loss. You must still feel the ache of what could have been--and that's the worst kind of grief.
Personally, I feel that the penalty for DUI and DWI is not high enough. I am all for having your name and picture put in the paper on the front page, with the route they drove when arrested. I'm all for a posting board where people who were on the road at the same time can write in and let the drunk driver know, I am the person you might have killed: meet my spouse, meet my parents, meet my kids, meet my friends, and know that you were willing to wreck their lives, too, with the taking of mine.
I can't imagine what it's like to experience such a senseless loss at such a young age, and I'm very sorry.
I'm so sorry you lost your boyfriend. It sounds like your future was stolen. My aunt killed someone while driving drunk, and it seems to have taken something from her that she can't regain. I don't think she drives at all now.
One of my substance abuse counseling teachers said that if alcohol were invented today, it would never be legalized. For all the damage to the body and the brain, and for how much it is involved in crime and violence and accidental injuries and death, it is not safe enough.
It's not until I read all your comments that I realized this event had a bigger impact on my life than I really understood. I do know I don't underestimate my own teenagers emotional ties. It's real.
Thank you, all. And please remember that picture when protecting those you love, especially the kids who think they know everything.
I very sorry about your loss - for every single person murdered because of a drunk driver, we all lose.
no excuses.
Punishments from there on (2nd and 3rd offenses, driving without a license, etc.) only increased.
Until we get serious about this, and quit the "slap on the wrist" justice, people will continue to drive drunk.
"I have to drive to get to work" is no excuse. Get a cab. Walk. Get a ride. Take the bus.
I'm so sorry about your Allan. That is truly tragic.
Sadly, no matter how many stories like this get told, people still drive drunk and don't think they can hurt anyone. I hope some day we don't have to keep telling these stories.
Her husband was a locomotive driver who would be gone a week or two at a time on his job, as he was on that day. They were completely devoted to each other, sharing this fine home they had built together. For all the apparent charms of their life, there was an odd air of despondence about her, like a sad perfume.
Turns out, as she came to reveal, this couple's marriage had produced two wonderful children, their pride and delight, a boy and girl a year or two apart in age. Driving home together one night near the end of high school, both were killed when a drunk driver ran a red light to total their car.
The life of this woman and her husband would never be the same. And her story impressed upon me for life a sense of the possible cost, measured in irreparable tragedy, of drinking and driving.
Lorraine, I know that a lifetime has passed, and that you nevertheless live with a loss that can never be redeemed. And I share your pain.
My uncle killed a family of 6 when driving drunk. I will never forget that. I lived in a different city at the time but it hurt much more knowing the loss of that family than it did knowing that Dean had finally come to the end of his drinking, and his life.
Monte
Rated.
Rated
I don't understand the prohibition against judgement. There are things that decency requires judgement against.
They hear about it on the news or read about it in the paper, shake their heads, maybe a little horrified by it, say "how sad" and move on. Inside they think those things happen to Someone Else.
It never occurs to them that maybe, just maybe, it will touch their lives somehow - perhaps they'll serve one too many drinks to someone at a dinner or holiday party in their home knowing that it was one too many, but they can't make that decision for another adult, right? Or perhaps they'll have "just one more for the road" themselves, they can handle just one more, right? Or it could just be that one day they're minding their own business, living their lives and Someone Else- someone just like them - makes one of the same irresponsible, thoughtless choices and then their life or someone they love is tragically changed forever.
People just don't think about it.
Perhaps they should.
The same admonishments should be leveled at people who drive under the influence of drugs (recreational, prescription or certain OTC medications that induce sleepiness) and people who are over-tired (like truck drivers and other driving long distances). An old friend spent a year in a coma after being hit by a dozing truck driver whose semi crossed over into her lane, crumpled her car and her brain, and left her permanently brain damaged.
Brilliant. That next-to-last paragraph was perfect.
Welcome back.
I have lost several close friends to drunken drivers hitting them, ironically both of them had straightened themselves out and had been years into their sobriety programs when "it" happened. Kind of makes you wonder.
I think a time will come when all cars will be equipped with an alcohol sensing device and personally I do not have a problem with it at all! If one has had one too many glasses of wine with a meal or whatever, sitting in the parking lot till sober is better than harming others or yourself.
Again, I am so very sorry for the loss Allan Lorraine. Thank you for sharing with us what a great guy he was, how he charmed both you and your family, his crazy cars and his touching sweet young love for you; your writing has brought him to life for me.
Beautifully written. Painfully true. Some holes are impossible to refill. Some bad decisions can never be redeemed.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's senseless.
I took a look at the comment you found offensive, and I think I understand her viewpoint. I am going to write something about the anguish of parenting a dysfunctional child under circumstances difficult in the extreme, and under the burden of judgment from family members and acquaintances who attempt to set the clearly misguided and incompetent mom straight. It is excruciatingly painful and we flinch at the injustice--it is one more unfairness of life that we did nothing to earn. As a result, we tend to be overly sensitive to what seems "judgmental." But rather than leave something overly long in your comments, I'll try to post soon, tonight or tomorrow.
The public health campaign of the past 20 years to educate us all has worked wonders on the non-alcoholic, and has reduced drunk driving fatalities. The sad truth is that it has had no impact on alcoholics per se. We need a truly two-tiered system at this point. The punishments for drunk driving are pretty severe in most states, and have no impact on alcoholics. Consequences plus constant surveillance/monitoring/testing of alcoholics is in order. There are models that work such as random and regular testing of impaired physicians, pilots, etc. It's past time to move in the firection forced treatment compliance, or lock-up. Society deserves better than the status quo.
Again, my heart goes out to you. That other poster is only helping her son kill someone, or get killed.
If I said more, it would be meaningless.
It stands alone.
I'd say you all better re examine the very mixed drink, glass of wine or beer you consume before you judge those who cannot handle its effects. Lots of people have a lot of problems in their lives...and alcohol adds to them.
Again...Go after the Industry...not the consumers.
WTF, New Buddha? Alcohol is a drug. Period.
Lorraine, sorry for your loss. Memories take us back so we can love those we lost. Rated. (and congrats on the EP)
I try NOT to judge.
Not, basically for other people, (even though this is important).
For... ME.
I was raised in the institution of a Protestant church. (I am not Christian in any strict, formal sense of the word. I simply try to live according to the philosophy set out in the Christian gospels.)
The act of judging is everywhere in our extremely self righteous Western societies, and it is ironic that it is "indulged in" by not only formally religious people, but... people who wouldn't touch religion with a ten foot pole.
Why do I say "indulged in " ?
Because... judging is like breathing, or peeing, or shitting. It just comes so naturally and easily. And... it feels SO good.
The Christian churches took the less demanding, EASIER path of shaming people for judgmental attitudes in the past, rather than encouraging them to feel ALL their negative, destructive consequences. Consequence number one : a sense of estrangement from the human condition itself, a crushing isolation.
From the odd, expatriate vantage that I have on American society these days, the bloodthirsty calls for vengeance have quickly shut out any attempts at empathy.
But... empathy makes us rich, and human. It also makes us able to feel others' pain (and our own, rather than anesthetizing ourselves). Rather than continually, and defensively demanding that our own feelings be taken into account FIRST.
You might get some comfort out of James Agee's A Death in the Family. When I read it many years ago, I found it boring. Now that I've lost a few (close) people around me, I find it breathtakingly insightful.
Emma, I didn't plan on coming back, and I guaranteed I wouldn't be back under another name. As time (and temperament) guide, I may post occasionally.
Debra, following the Christian gospels, but apparently not being a Christian, is nice work if you can get it. And I sure as hell ain't judging here to make myself feels better. I'm judging on behalf of a 20-year-old guy crumpled on a highway in his car. I'll take the risk and the wrath from those who think I'm a cold hearted bitch for believing it should never have happened.
I'm so tired of people saying not to judge. Don't judge someone who lets a drunk person drive??? That's like saying, "He had a loaded gun that he couldn't control, but there weren't many people out, so I let him go. Don't judge me."
i am so sorry for you loss. He looks handsome, and seems sweet and hard working.
Bike
By all means hate the people who killed your family and friends via Drunk Driving... just don't forget the bastards that enable and push this society to think they need the horseshit that is alcohol in the first place.
And by the way lionspride...you speak as a true drunk. Congratulations on being too easy to figure out. I wonder if I need to notify the police that you are contacting me thru chat rooms now?
I realize looking back that Allan's death hovers like an old scar - when everyone sits around comparing, my deepest one doesn't show. But his senseless death was one of those things that changed me in that moment. I don't know feeling any differently; but I do know every time we avert a similar loss, it's one less scar for someone to carry around.
So very sorry. I shall remember this the next time I see someone I know driving under the influence.
I also don't like OS pissing matches (or any pissing matches), but you keep right on judging--ESPECIALLY if it involves rationalizing driving drunk at 1 AM by saying there "aren't too many people out." A high school friend of mine was killed this summer by a drunk driver; his wife had had their baby earlier that night, and he'd driven, elated, from the hospital to their home to bring stuff for his wife. He never made it back, because a woman who "usually never drive[s] drunk, but just thought it would be safe because there aren't that many people out late at night" crashed into the side of his car, robbing his new daughter of a daddy and his wife of a co-parent.
So fuck the "not too many people" rule. One vacationing family looking for a hotel, one car of teenagers coming back from a late-night movie, one new father, is all it takes. Thank you for this post--highly, highly rated.