The View From Hemingway's Attic

Culture, politics, literature

William Hazelgrove

William Hazelgrove
chicago, Illinois, usa
January 27
William Hazelgrove is the best selling author of four novels, Ripples, Tobacco Sticks Mica Highways and Rocket Man. His books have received starred reviews in Publisher Weekly, Book of the Month Selections, ALA Editors Choice Awards and optioned for the movies. He was the Ernest Hemingway Writer in Residence where he wrote in the attic of Ernest Hemingway’s birthplace. He has written articles and reviews for USA Today and other publications. His latest novel Rocket Man was chosen Book of the Year by Books and He runs a political cultural blog, The View From Hemingway’s Attic. He lives in Chicago.


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MARCH 11, 2012 7:13PM


Rate: 1 Flag
Tech for the modern family is the great hemorrhage now. It is as essential as gas. Cellphones, landlines, cable, Internet. The modern family needs it all but the cost...the cost. So I was coasting along when I got telemarketed by a dude who told me he could solve all my problems. One bill. Less Cost. And he would give me a three hundred dollar Visa card for just signing up! Wow. One bill. All the headaches in one central point. And the channels, the speed, the service. Sign me up bro.

He did. And I got UVERSE. And I coasted along and my first bill was just seventy three dollars. Wow. You mean for my cellphones (3) my Internet and my basic tv and Internet just seventy three bucks? Something is wrong here. Hey, don't worry about it. You are good  my salesman told me. Your next bill will be more but you will have all the savings. Alright. Meanwhile I'm on the VERSE. DVRing from my phone. Watching shows on my phone. Styling.

And then I got my second hundred and eighty three buckos! Wow. I got UVERSED! So I called up my now non existent saleman and was handed off to the call center. Hours on the phone and guess what I found out? It was all perfectly correct. You see I was prorated, serviced charged, over the topped, moved over, combined, double rated, adjusted, added onto, special serviced, upgraded, downgraded, new contracted, started up, signed on, subtracted, and finally specially considered and at the end I owed SEVEN HUNDRED AND EIGHTY THREE DOLLARS. Man... I get UVERSED!

And so I checked around. Yeah man. I had UVERSE. Past tense all of my friends. Nobody STILL had UVERSE. Everybody tried it and got the UVERSE Shaft and ended up back with their original carriers. So I asked for a payment plan. Oh yeah we have a pay now or you pay a week from now buy you are paying or we cut off your service...ALL OF IT. And so I knew they had me .

What about the three hundred dollar visa card? Oh  well. You have to stay with us for ninety days and then it takes six to eight weeks to get it. Wow...did I get UVERSED. So I am in my extraction mode, but it's going to take some time. So when they call you and tell you they are going to stick it all on one bill and that you are going to save a bunch of money...HANG UP THE PHONE.

Lest you get...UVERSED!

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You're old enough to know better -- what's the first rule you were taught about economics? If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. But, hey, there is consolation -- very small consolation -- in the fact that you were far from alone.
the american penchent for always believing there is a better deal
I applaud you. Most people would be too embarrassed to admit to this in a public forum.