William K. Wolfrum's Blog

JANUARY 15, 2011 4:12PM

Scientists: More Guns Don't Enhance Penis Size or Usefulness

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This man has a very sad penisSWEDEN - After a full decade of research, a team of Swedish scientists has confirmed that no matter how many guns a man owns, his penis will remain small and insignificant.

"Ve look at ze mens wit ze guns and ve look at ze penis of zeese mens," said Dr. Sven Svenenberg of the Svenlandia Institute. "Itz veery zad. Ze penis is so wee."

The research looked at 300 average American men who owned multiple guns. Those 300 were then weighed, measure, and found wanting. Following that, the men were then encouraged to buy even more guns over the next year. They were then were then weighed and measured again, and found wanting even more.

"Ze penis iz so wee, still," said Dr. Svenenberg in an accent that no one could really identify. "Iz almozt of no uze. Like a wee pinkie toe."

American scientist Tim Johnson said the research proved what has long been suspected - that owning guns for hunting and self-protection is generally a lie and that most men buy guns because they feel it will be an extension of their manhood.

"We've known this all along. We call it the 'Glenn Beck Effect,'" said Johnson from his home office in Tupelo, Miss. "Not long ago, a Wikileaks document emerged showing a naked picture of Beck. Dude's hung like a pimple on a pimple. Then all of a sudden you start seeing the guy show up holding guns."

Still, some have called the research misleading. Ron Schmeits, President of the NRA said that the problem was that the men in the research sample were not encouraged to buy enough guns.

"These small men will get larger if they own more guns," said Schmeits, handing out checks to Republican congressmen on the steps of the nation's capital. "They need pistols and shotguns and guns that have guns attached to them and guns that shoot guns. That will fix them right up."

But Dr. Svenenberg stood by his research.

"Zey are so wee, it'z almozt to make me to laugh," said Dr. Svenenberg. "But no. I don't to laugh. Iz zad. Zo veery zad."

--WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Author tags:

glenn beck, gun control, satire

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Comments

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Yeah. I had figured out that guns didn't help in the size department when I realized that horses don't own guns.....

;-])

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Shouldn't that be "the penis iz zo VEE."
I've been alone all day and my riotous laughter is the only sound I've made for hours. A great zound to expel into ze universe.
Finally, someone agrees with my theory of "the substitute penis"
Will, this was a great story. I found it on your other blog, sorry I missed it here. I'll keep my eyes open a little better and thanks for the great comment. This had me spittin' out coffee this morning.