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JANUARY 21, 2011 2:00PM

Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi: The World's Worst Thing

Rate: 19 Flag

Having spent more time lately in the U.S., one thing has become abundantly clear - Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi is the nastiest beverage ever created. If ever there was a product that proved that American ingenuity is dead, it's Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi.

My theory on how Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi was created is that someone was wandering the desert in the Southwest, stumbled across an ancient spittoon, took the ingredients from said spittoon, re-liquefied it, added a tiny amount of carbonation, and then started selling it.

If Rocky 6 was a carbonated beverage, it would be Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi -- all preachy yet hard to understand, stupid and in bad taste.

If you haven't tasted Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi, but would like an idea of what it tastes like, do this - keep a straw in your pocket and wander around outside until you find a pigeon or squirrel that's been dead for, oh, say three months. Stick the straw into the dead animal and suck. Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi tastes like that, except worse. Plus, the taste lingers in your mouth for months. And gradually gets worse until it's like your mouth was invaded by the notoriously rare and deadly Asian Shit Ant.

What gets me is that they had high-paid executives sitting around a table, drinking this dreck and all nodding approvingly, "Oh yes, this is what America wants, a 'light, crisp, refreshing' beverage that tastes like Cheney sputum."

You want to defeat terrorists? Force them to drink Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi. I'm sure it would violate the Geneva Conventions, but they'd immediately tell you anything they knew, then hang themselves. Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi is torture in a 12-oz can.

I'm not an extremist. Really. I don't believe immigration will destroy the U.S. I don't believe 9/11 was an inside job. I don't believe a group of guys hiding in caves will emerge and force us all to live under sharia law. I don't believe that allowing same-sex couples to marry will eventually lead to men marrying the rare and deadly Asian Shit Ant.

But having tasted Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi once, I'm certain that the end of civilization is about three weeks away. Even the irritating gold, white, red, blue and black can should be enough to tell you that.

But hey, don't take my word for it, go ahead and find a way to get a free sample of the stuff (if you pay for it, you'll just encourage the folks at Pepsi to make more). You'll quickly see that I speak the truth: Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi is the worst tasting thing on this, and very likely any other, planet.


Originally posted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

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pepsi, bevarages, humor

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Cheney sputum? I'm sold!
Hah! You da' man. I love your humor. I haven't tasted it, I'm just kicking a Mountain Dew habit I've had for years. Seriously! Don't worry, I won't use this one, hah!
All diet drinks pale in comparison to diet Dr Pepper. As a matter of fact, all other diet drinks should be removed from distributors and just let diet Dr Pepper be all that is ever sold again for all of eternity. Or at least until my meds wear off....
No, this post isn't full of hyperbole. I'm sure Jack Bauer wished he had a can of the stuff when he was trying to save Los Angeles for the bazillionth time.

But seriously, you aren't drinking the stuff properly. You are supposed to swish your mouth with Orajel, pop a Sucrets, THEN drink that lizard spit in a can. Really, the beverage should come with instructions if they intend on keeping their customer base.
Hilarious ! And by the way......Caffeine-Free Coke is just as bad ! " Torture in a 12 ounce can " LOL ! I love it ! Rated.
Utterly hilarious. Although to my tastebuds, one thing IS worse: friend liver and onions. But only that one thing.
Holy Shit!

You drank some?!! Man, you should have read the label. It tastes like fertilizer because it IS fertilizer.

1 - tsp per week per plant
For cacti only - DO NOT INGEST.

WARNING! If accidentally swallowed remove patient to funeral home immediately. Do not bother EMS - they are busy with people who have some chance to survive.
I like it second best to Coke's Caffeine Free Diet Coke. Nothing could taste worse than Tab unless it is venison.
I dabble in humor, but on my very best humor composition day I never.. ok, I'll shut up. Tongue tied here.
But, reminds of when Kurt Cobain said in an interview that all Gibson guitars sucked ass (something near that), then noted: "There goes my chance for a Gibson endorsement."
Personally, I've been eating and enjoying Asian shit ants since I was a kid (they're native to Cleveland) so I'm thinking I might like this stuff.
I've never cottoned to the skunky taste of Pepsi anyway. Grape Nehi and a Moon Pie on the Quickee Stop curb is more my fave.
ANY kind of Pepsi is BAD. Sweet, flat, and cheap, every refrigerator in every trailer park has a six-pack of Pepsi in it.
Hahaha! I totally agree!
You can tell alot about a person by their choice of diet soft drinks.
Diet Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew are quite un descenable from the regular.
I dispise Pepsi Cola. Go Coke.
Funny Post.. cheered me up as I was diagnosed with type 2 D. yesterday.
HAHAHA! I actually drank the stuff once. I can still taste it.
Those lower life forms in that board room ought to be made to swallow an entire package of mentos the drink one or more cans of their petrified penis drippings in a can.

When I drink a pepsi, I drink a pepsi, not any dye it a differnet color watered down saccharine flavored crap.
I drink a soda/pop(took care of north and south with those two) every coupla months.
That's enough.
If you think that's bad just try Mountain Dew.........still, if a drink of Diet Caffeine Free Pepsi is the worst that happens to you, you can consider yourself to be lucky. Not a big deal to get all worked up about. Just sayin'.
Thanks for the warning and the many laughs. A total victory for me. The straw in the dead creature will be a visual that will haunt me.
Ah. Full flavored, robust and fat caloried CokaCola for me, thanks. I think ALL diet drinks taste like ancient tobacco spit.
Maybe you would like to read my flip-side piece on another beverage
What if the Asian Shit Ant was really, really rich?
I use it to kill ants and entire nations!! Teeheehee!!


Cheney sputum? I almost spewed tea on my screen.

Pepsi is disgusting. Diet Pepsi is even worse. Caffeine free Diet Pepsi is truly one of the most useless products on the planet.
a 'light, crisp, refreshing' beverage that tastes like Cheney sputum

Best line ever. Hilarious post. Diet Pepsi is awful, but Diet Coke rocks (once you've drunk so much of it that you're addicted to it and can't tell how bad it tastes anymore).
I just wonder how does one know what Cheney sputum tastes like, much less knowing it tastes foul. Hmm? Care to confess something?
If you want to have a diet don't drink sodas! Make everything you ingest all natural and healthy. Juice it up for a better body.

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