William K. Wolfrum's Blog

MARCH 15, 2011 11:29AM

God Smites the Hell Out of Fred Phelps, Westboro Baptist

Rate: 5 Flag

HARRISBURG, Pa — After years of fielding complaints that he had not taken a hard enough stance against Westboro Baptist Church and its hate speech, Almighty God today unleashed what onlookers have described as a “shitload of smiting” against the controversial group that just won a Supreme Court case on free speech.

“Guess God don’t much care for Supreme Court cases,” said the onlooker, Jim Thompson of Dubuque, Iowa. “Because God just WENT OFF!”

Going in with a strategy of “Shock and Amen,” God woke up members of the Westboro Cult with a swarm of locusts, then rained frogs on them for an hour. A plague of gnats followed, and soon all members of Westboro had boils appear on their skin.

Then God showed why he was “God” and went modern Biblical on their asses as he turned their coffee into blood and made records of their fetish-video rentals public via Wikileaks. Then, God made it rain failed American Idol candidates and gay porn videos.

Finally, to finish a performance many have already called “inspired,” God went back to his old-school roots and lightning bolted Phelps, his family and all his followers into crispy embers of hate.

While many have looked to analyze why God finally went off on Westboro Baptist – which for years has peddled angry homophobia as some type of religious belief – experts were only left a few words from God as he left the scene of the carnage.

“Love everyone. I don’t make mistakes.”


Crossposted at WIlliam K. Wolfrum Chronicles

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"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it."
— Voltaire
I look forward to the day this is an actual AP release.
I look forward to the day this is an actual AP release. r.