I don't even know where to begin. Mom's health is getting even shitier than before, she can hardly sit anymore so today she asked me to move the computer screen to the front of her bed (not on a desk as it was before). It's crazy, I mean. Isn't bed in the middle of the room enough mess? Isin't the thing that I have to sleep in the same room with my mother when I'm 19 years old enough mess? Children changing their parents diaper is not right. It's not the way it's supposed to be. Seeing your parent getting weaker isn't right. Hearing her saying that she no longer wants to live is not right. Hearing her cry because of her enormous pain isn't right. Knowing that she understands that she's the reason I don't do a lot of things isn't the way it supposed to be.
Sometimes I want to hit myself because I understand that I blame her and it's getting so hard to love her. I never thought that loving someone could be hard. It's just so messy. Too messy.
I don't tell people that she's sick. They probably have no idea what multiple sclerosis is. You can google it if you want. But I don't want them to know. Because they never understand the amount of shit it contains. And they keep suggesting things, riddiculous things. They think it's just simple, they imagine it's ok. And I can't keep explaining how shitty it is. Not anymore. I let them think that there she is, working or reading, or sleeping, or got a flu and that's why they don't see her.
She's wearing those dark blue shiny sweatpants because she can grab on them to move her legs, and she can't even wear a bra, her body hurts and has wounds and she's crying and screaming sometimes, and she feels lonely and she's getting weaker and sometimes I imagine how it would be without her and sometimes I think that I would be free then and I want to hit myself then so badly. And seometimes I yell at her because I think that some more time living like that will kill me inside.
And I don't want to think about how she feels. I want someone to take care of me and to understand me and no one can. And I feel so alone so I sit and watch movies all night long because then I can go to other places, where romantic things happen, where people are healty and the only problems they have is love life and break-ups and dead dogs. And I want complicated relationships, heartbreaks and other love life related problems too because I can no longer face the big ones.
An I'm just so broken inside that sometimes sit and look at nothing, I have no motivation to study, or read and I don't even write that much anymore because I'm so messed up inside. I try to be as brigth and shiny as possible but sometimes I just can't help being dark and twisty. And somtimes I want to just run away and never look back but my conscience is huge and doesn't let me do that.
I need people to read this. I need someone to know this. I need someone to understand me even though nobody can.
And I'm crying now like a baby and been through this whole blog. She's sleeping now and I'm in the other room. She doesn't hear me cry. And I know that I could help her by doing some more massages and making more fresh juice and stuff but I want to life my life so badly. I want to take care of myself.
Because in the end of the day it's me, my dreams and my movies. And I know that I may be stopping myself from dating anyone. Because I'm scared to let anyone take care of me and love me that messy. Because I know that taking care is hard. And sometimes I'm just so scared and so tired of pretending that's it's ok. I've been doing that since I was a little girl.
And yes, maybe it made me more experienced and mature but sometiems I want to be immature. I want to be a young girl tasting life, trying our things. It also made be broken and messy. It made me cry my eyes out for so many times.
And yes, I still think that the world that God created is unbelievably beautiful, I still sit and enjoy the sunsets and sunrises, I love the smell of grass after the storm, I love walking around the oakery, I love sitting by my beloved tree and pray inside breathing in the beauty of life, I love watching the stars sparkling in the sky and smelling fresh buns from teh bakery, I still love playing teh guitar in the evening and singing from all my heart, I love dreaming, and listening to music in bed, I still love the sound of crickets at night and the sound of rain, I love watching the rain and walking with no umbrella, and I love living life and going to the Mass on sundays and lifting my eyes to the sky and smiling beacuse of delirious happiness taht fills my heart then. I love the love that still finds some space in my heart. I love many many things... I really do.
First time: wrote a blog while crying so badly and touching this topic pretty deep. It's ok.