The World's Smartest Man

An Idiot. A Savant.
Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 12, 2008 10:06AM

Go To One More of your Friend’s Funerals and We’re Through

Rate: 30 Flag

photo-3.jpgHey babe. I have been doing a lot of thinking, mainly about us and where I see this relationship going. As you may have noticed, things have not been going that well as of late. My therapist told me that for a relationship to be successful, each partner must draw clearly defined lines and be respectful of those lines if they intend on continuing that relationship. It’s been one of the hardest decisions that I have ever had to make but I have decided that if you continue to choose to spend your time attending another one of your friends funerals over spending time with the man that you supposedly love, then I will have to break up with you.

I hate to have to give you an ultimatum but I guess that’s what it has come to for me. I just got to the point where I had to ask myself,  where do I draw the line? In the past couple of  weeks you have chosen  to spend the majority of your time visiting friend’s in the hospital, or going to their various funerals, or memorials, or wakes, the list goes on and on. Even when I did attend a few of those events with you, you hardly paid any attention to me at all. I want a girlfriend who if we are out together, whether its for dinner and a movie, or scrabble at a friends place, or one of her dead team mates from her amateur softball leagues funerals, she acts like I am her sole reason for being there. That’s the girlfriend I did have until you pulled a one-eighty on me sometime after the bus accident.

I know it’s been hard for you, I hear it everyday and I tried, believe me I tried to get on board with your new hobbies. Remember how I helped you with Sheryl’s collage? I was supposed to play poker that night, off course you didn’t know that cause you didn’t even think to ask if I had plans before asking me to pick up some pictures of Sheryl at her mother’s house on the way home from work. I don’t like making collages, that’s a girl thing. Do you know how much shit I got at work from Dave the next day when I told him I spent the night making a collage and arranging flowers? Dave’s not just gonna let that go.

I even went with you to Beth’s and Heather’s funerals without making a peep about missing two of the most important Nuggets games of the season, which we lost btw thanks for asking. And when I floated my Saving Private Ryan idea about not putting the entire soft ball team on the same bus to Beth and Heather’s brother and he called me a fucking asshole, you just sat there saying nothing. How do you think that made me feel?

Even when you are home you’re constantly on the phone with a friend or relative, or you’re writing one of your little eulogies, or just locking yourself in the bathroom with the lights off. When we first started dating you never used to curl up in the fetal position in your closet for hours on end, now that seems to be more important to you then going to quiz night at the Bear Inn. You used to love to do that kind of stuff. Who is this stranger and what have they done with my girlfriend?

Even little things like a couple days ago when I asked you to pick me up some beer on your way home from Ashley’s fundraiser and you brought home Coors light. Come on babe, you know I don’t tap the Rockies, at least you used to. And I don’t mean to be harsh, I mean Beth and Heather I understand but Ashley? Before she was in a coma you used to constantly complain about how shallow you thought she was. And now all of the sudden you are organizing fundraisers and driving her son to school everyday. Seems a little hypocritical if you ask me.

I truly do hope we get through this, I do. I have done my part now it is up to you. You have some serious thinking to do. I think you have to ask yourself, do you want to be with the man you have shared your life with for the last few years? Or would you rather continue to devote your life to the mourning and memory of people that died over two weeks ago. I know it doesn’t seem like it now but there will be other teams in the future. Better teams where you can make friends with better softball players who hire better bus drivers that don’t fall asleep at the wheel. The future looks bright, care to join me?

Author tags:

satire, editorial, news

Your tags:

TIP:

Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:

Comments

Type your comment below:
Nate man! Great post and certainly concerning...
So, you know that 2 weeks is not that long a period of mourning so you may need to cut her some slack here, dude! However, the Coors Lite incident might be the real deal breaker, here. You really need to meditate on whether you are truly soul mates with this ditz brain who could commit such a senseless act in clear violation of the boy friend code. She must do some penance and go for beer runs bi-weekly to be sure she is made of the stuff that will sustain your relationship.
Take it from one who knows?!
xoxo Auntie Cathy ;)
Working on the collage and arranging flowers is hot. Having to drink Coors light is not. Two weeks of mourning is a very short time. The fact that you miss the girl you used to know is a good sign. I agree Cathy's post - two weeks is a very short time. It is awesome that you are writing about this, I encourage you to also talk to the girl about your what needs are and be gentle with her. Was she on the bus at the time of the accident? Last thing, be easy on the hypocritical comment.
I love how you so blatantly and obviously make fun of your generation. Very smart, very subtle.
Great post. You should forward it to your therapist. He/she will be happy to see that you narcissim is blooming quite nicely. Keep uo the good work:)
Cathy and Sassy- you may be right about the two weeks part thing but that is no excuse for the coors light

Thanks roger I might take you up on that advice

and thanks Mary for being extremely flattering, as always. Wonder why?
I'm speechless. This is brilliant and brings to mind the late and mourned DF Wallace's Brief Interviews with Hideous Men. Hideous Man, indeed.
The nerve of some girls! Choosing to attend funerals and write eulogies over taking care of her man. Judging from the amount of abuse she made you endure from Dave about the collages, you might have to cut the line on this fish.
Dude, I think you should force her to do some guy things like ultimate Frisbee and pool hockey and liar's dice until she either breaks a bone, tears a ligament or hurls uncontrollably for hours. This will not only teach her a lesson about what's important to you, it will have the added benefit of taking her mind off her dead friends. They won't care, plus what dead person ever enjoyed a collage. Hey, who's important here anyway? You. Right.

(Just freakin brilliant. Your talent shines, plus it's clear your Mommy raised you right, bubba).
Felt your 'tude in the face of needlessly bothersome, get-over-it- already competition. You can do irony, and male ego and that's not easy.
That bit about Ashley's kid? What, is she like replacing Ashley? Is there a Mr. Ashley? Seriously, Dude, you need to get yourself a new chick.
She sounds like she needs to be broken up with on her answering machine!
I hate to break it to you but it sounds like she's not really into you - besides, the beer preference botch is simply unacceptable.
Answering machine or email... I wonder which is more impersonal.
do it through the grapevine - even better!
Hilarious. Got better as it went along, but what made it for me was the photo - looks like a narcissistic a*hole I used to know. :)
Dude, where we you when I needed you back at my second marriage! (Yeah I know, you were probobly about 10 years old. . .)

But you now gotta fan in me---this is fantastic!
WSM -

She's just not that into you - I think she would prefer her dead team mates over you any day

Hilarious Post!
love black comedy

good bleak forecast
yeah, looks like an a-hole i know as well. good post. that guy is ridiculous ugly. and probably fat too.
Really great post....very well written by a member of the "generation juicebox"...I should know...I raised two of them!
Keep writing nate!
run screamin' now, dude. If you stay with this demented chick, she will morph further into some wacko mom-type who would rather nurse, coo & change diapers than rub your feet and play with your ding-a-ling and then who knows...
as time passes, she will be packing meatloaf into single-serving containers for her parents' freezer and driving them to doctors' appointments, and shit - even going to old peoples' funerals and making you drink Merlot
run fast, dude...
I'm with you dude! Solidarity! Me too. Like I'm supposed to sail on weekends. Keeps the groove runnin' true, know what I mean? And this summer, the kid just HAS to be in scouts. Like six or seven weekends shot! And the family thing, weddings, funerals,,, weekend after weekend gone. Up in Smoke! I did my time. I'm sailing next summer.

Loved the post.


Dean
Unique--clever---I'd say brilliant, but that's already been used. Loved this.
I think I dated you in many different incarnations.

This was disturbing and well done. Harlon Ellison good. And that is very good. If this is how your mind works, you should look into Ellison.
Rated. That was actually laugh out loud, not just LOL.
Good call on the 'Saving Private Ryan' idea, there's no point in losing the whole team. If only they had WSM's foresight.