The Southern-Fried Yankee

swimming in gravy...and sinking fast
JUNE 11, 2010 8:28AM


Rate: 18 Flag

Before getting into the meat of this piece, so to speak, I felt it best to post a disclaimer for the sake of clarity:

**The following information in no way represents the writer’s personal life. Whatsoever, people. Writer claims no responsibility for any less-than-satisfying experiences, breakups, or injuries sustained from sexual experimentation upon reading the following post.

Ask almost anyone with a pulse and a libido for tips about how to have better sex, and see who doesn’t have some experience, hints, or even cheesy advice to offer. You’ll hear everything from who to have sex with (and who not to have it with), where to do it, when to do it, how many times to do it, and suggested techniques sworn to help even the most carnally challenged. Prepare yourself with a mild sedative beforehand. Some of the things people are into require a Surgeon General’s Warning label and miscellaneous safety equipment.

With all that in mind, some of which is disturbing enough to put me in therapy, I decided to turn to the one source I knew would have the answers. Since my Magic 8-Ball was too vague, I Googled “how to have better sex.” In .26 seconds, a mere 107,000,000 results appeared before me. With so many categories at my disposal, narrowing down the choices was tough. I decided to go with “Things You Put In Your Mouth,” for $500. (Not the things you’re thinking of, pervs.) Here are a few suggestions.

Ginkgo. Commonly used to improve age-related memory loss, it’s thought to help by stimulating the release of nitric oxide, which widens the blood vessels “down there” in both men and women. Sounds better than Viagra to me. Kind of a two-for-one deal. Who doesn’t want to remember sensational sex hot enough to melt your contact lenses? Remember to remove those before you play.

Yohimbine. Never heard of it? It’s extracted from yohimbine bark (ohh, that yohimbine), and can facilitate erections. Sounds okay until you consider the side effects, which are increased heart rate, raised blood pressure, anxiety, and everyone’s favorite…nausea. That could be fun. I’m on my way to GNC right now to buy a case for the weekend.

Bananas? I think we can all agree on the suggestive shape of a banana. They have that whole phallic curvy thing going on. Right, I know I get hot just looking at them in the produce section of Wal-Mart. Gotta throw myself on the bed of leafy greens and wait for one of those misty showers just to calm myself.

Avocado. Here’s an interesting fun fact. The Aztecs called the avocado tree a “testicle tree” because they thought the fruit (yes, they’re fruits) hanging in pairs resembled testicles. Guacamole will never look the same to me. Just for fun, I think I’ll ask for a testicle tree the next time I hit the garden department at Home Depot. Considering where I live, they’ll probably try to order it for me.

Spanish Fly. Extracted from a certain beetle, Spanish Fly affects the urinary tract, and sends a rush of blood you know where. Spanish Fly can be poisonous, and is illegal in the United States. Be sure to have an attorney and a generous insurance policy on your spouse if you try this one.

Not that I would.

Your tags:


Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:


Type your comment below:
I'll be back to comment later, Writer Mom. I'm off to the Farmer's Market!!!! Sorry. It's an emergency....

LOL You're so funny

Thanks, WM, you have certainly stimulated, curiosity. Yep, the ticket, that. Your opening forced me to remember a quote that I had to get down on my knees (no, Lola!) to remove from the cork board I brought home from work when I retired and have stuck behind the subsidiary desk in my home office/den/cave.

It's a quote attributed to William Allen White, a retired newspaper editor, and it goes thusly: There are three things that no one can do to the entire satisfaction of anyone else: poke the fire, make love and edit a newspaper.

I'm disappointed you don't have Primrose Lane on your list. ;-|
Oh my goodness, 107,000,000 results? That's a lot of people that are having sex that isn't satisfying them. Thanks for the laugh.
WOW! Well, this is something to chew on. Figuratively speaking. kp, NOT figuratively speaking!
Yeah, but when I flew down there, you said, “You want to do something in the bedroom to make me excited?” I said, “Sure!” Then you handed me a vacuum cleaner.
Lezlie - Better hurry, they're running low on bananas.

Brian - Thank you. Hope you weren't disappointed.

Matt - I do.

Hi Kit! - And I was just scratching the surface, so to speak.

Cranky - Yeah, well you missed a few spots. Player.
I'm with Lezlie, off to the farmer's market! R
Good Bob, woman! You sure know how to lure me in with a title.

I'd actually heard of all of these things. I think you forgot one, though: Marijuana. Heck, if you're going to include Spanish Fly on the list, you should at least include the most popular illegal sex enhancer. ;-)

Oh, and Amyl Nitrate (poppers). I've never tried it, but I have friends who enjoy using it during sex...
Damion - I'm aware of the marijuana tip. I plead the fifth. And dang, dude, what kind of people are you hanging out with?! :) Check you PMs later for my number....
Good Bob? Is that a reference to my battery operated boyfriend?
@L: J.R. "Bob" Dobbs. Church of the Subgenius. Look it up. ;-) Though Battery-Operated Boyfriend is quite amusing.
Cracking me up. As I eat another banana . . . The bunch is gone. Leaves in a hurry.
Why is it that right now, this old 58 year old guy has the song "Glow Little Glow Worm" as performed by the Mills Brothers going through my head? Is it that I am subconsciously pronouncing the word "glow" in a more "oriental" way?
ha! having kids around makes it damn near impossible to achieve anything but a headache. but i do like bananas covered in chocolate. i wonder what that says about me?
hehehe my go-to is always The Stooges You Just have No Idea....
spanish fly and a banana.

now that's a combo.
I wonder what would happen if you took them all at once. Maybe that famous Four-Hour erection!
And then, there's the old standby -- salami (or pepperoni for those who like things "spicier.") Easily found in any delicatessen and already cryovaced for sanitary purposes. Produce can do double duty filling more than one kind of hunger.
Probably the most researched subject of all time and rightfully so; sex is life. Excellent play. R
What a hoot! But I wish you hadn't told me that bit about avocados. I love them, but I'll never quite look at them in the same way. Wonder if they'll taste the same?
Muahahahaha! Great post!

BTW, Pfffft! on the bananas! Too damn fragile! Now summer squash, zucchini and, of course, our all time favorite egg plant made for a wonderful salad... afterwords!

@ Leslie: Suzy had an OMIBOD named "Meg" = Musical Electronic Girlfriend. I wonder if they're related?
love the disclaimer...r.