Before getting into the meat of this piece, so to speak, I felt it best to post a disclaimer for the sake of clarity:

**The following information in no way represents the writer’s personal life. Whatsoever, people. Writer claims no responsibility for any less-than-satisfying experiences, breakups, or injuries sustained from sexual experimentation upon reading the following post.

Ask almost anyone with a pulse and a libido for tips about how to have better sex, and see who doesn’t have some experience, hints, or even cheesy advice to offer. You’ll hear everything from who to have sex with (and who not to have it with), where to do it, when to do it, how many times to do it, and suggested techniques sworn to help even the most carnally challenged. Prepare yourself with a mild sedative beforehand. Some of the things people are into require a Surgeon General’s Warning label and miscellaneous safety equipment.

With all that in mind, some of which is disturbing enough to put me in therapy, I decided to turn to the one source I knew would have the answers. Since my Magic 8-Ball was too vague, I Googled “how to have better sex.” In .26 seconds, a mere 107,000,000 results appeared before me. With so many categories at my disposal, narrowing down the choices was tough. I decided to go with “Things You Put In Your Mouth,” for $500. (Not the things you’re thinking of, pervs.) Here are a few suggestions.

Ginkgo. Commonly used to improve age-related memory loss, it’s thought to help by stimulating the release of nitric oxide, which widens the blood vessels “down there” in both men and women. Sounds better than Viagra to me. Kind of a two-for-one deal. Who doesn’t want to remember sensational sex hot enough to melt your contact lenses? Remember to remove those before you play.

Yohimbine. Never heard of it? It’s extracted from yohimbine bark (ohh, that yohimbine), and can facilitate erections. Sounds okay until you consider the side effects, which are increased heart rate, raised blood pressure, anxiety, and everyone’s favorite…nausea. That could be fun. I’m on my way to GNC right now to buy a case for the weekend.

Bananas? I think we can all agree on the suggestive shape of a banana. They have that whole phallic curvy thing going on. Right, I know I get hot just looking at them in the produce section of Wal-Mart. Gotta throw myself on the bed of leafy greens and wait for one of those misty showers just to calm myself.

Avocado. Here’s an interesting fun fact. The Aztecs called the avocado tree a “testicle tree” because they thought the fruit (yes, they’re fruits) hanging in pairs resembled testicles. Guacamole will never look the same to me. Just for fun, I think I’ll ask for a testicle tree the next time I hit the garden department at Home Depot. Considering where I live, they’ll probably try to order it for me.

Spanish Fly. Extracted from a certain beetle, Spanish Fly affects the urinary tract, and sends a rush of blood you know where. Spanish Fly can be poisonous, and is illegal in the United States. Be sure to have an attorney and a generous insurance policy on your spouse if you try this one.

Not that I would.