Yes, I know, I'm a butt about Christmas. No, it's not from deep childhood issues. I just have a reputation to uphold. I do listen to Christmas music when no one's around, but don't tell my kids. They'll expect presents. I wrote this to the tune of "The Christmas Song."
Plastic snowmen in a big bonfire,
a shotgun resting at my toes.
Annoying carols from a local church choir,
and me, sorting Prozac out in rows.
Just a couple more, lame movies and some TV shows.
Enough, to make a person hurl.
Strings of lights, wrapped around tacky trees,
there's just not enough hard liquor in my world.
I know the bills are on the way,
from charges I racked up to fund this holiday.
And every parent knows, it's all a lie,
and Santa's really on the corner getting high.
And so, I'm boycotting this special day.
Because, it seems the thing to do.
Although we've all heard,
that re-gifting is rude,
keep that sweater, it's even worse on you.