The Southern-Fried Yankee

swimming in gravy...and sinking fast

 

If the epic fail of the 2012 Mayan prediction for our annihilation left you frustrated, know that an option remains, another chance to blow this lemonade stand, and with a flourish. Does watching your life zoom past your mind's eye as you scream a string of obscenities that… Read full post »

JUNE 11, 2013 10:52AM

Have Buzz, Will Travel

My stepmom used to say that if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass. Kind of a head scratcher, I know.  I say that if people had wings, air travel would be obsolete, and the makers of tranquilizers and booze wouldn't be filthy rich. Instead, our/Read full post »

Most of us have heard of animals exhibiting strange behavior before major weather events. In Turkey, the bizarre behavior began after a seismic event. Ever since a major earthquake rumbled through the city of Van last year, the number of cats attempting suicide has been on the rise.  Now I am/Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 21, 2011 5:28PM

A Letter To My Home Invader

Last week you entered my home, uninvited, while my family slept, unaware of your intrusion.  In your search to fund your addiction, you helped yourself to my most personal items.  I really enjoyed waking up that morning and playing Marco Polo with my missing purse, which, by the way, is rat/… Read full post »

As a parent of children in elementary school I deal with daily pick-up and drop-off car lines, which are enough to make the soberest of judges crave vodka for breakfast.  Every morning three students and one adult are positioned in front of the school, along the covered sidewalk, where they meet/… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 1, 2011 11:47AM

Battling My Mind and Body

To look at me today, you would not suspect that I have ever struggled with an eating disorder.  Nothing about my body suggests undernourishment; even my hair is full-figured.  Strangers might think my issue leans more toward overindulgence.  The truth is not a day passes that I don't t/Read full post »

AUGUST 19, 2011 2:43PM

Miss Maudine

Before I began working as an assistant/caregiver to senior citizens, I knew the job would be challenging at times.  After all, older folks can be stubborn, impatient, and set in their ways, right?  Those things do not bother me and I expect them to some degree.  Sure, we have stressful/… Read full post »

JULY 19, 2011 1:50PM

Arthur the Junkie

Arthur is one of several seniors for whom I am a personal assistant.  Trips to the grocery store for him are becoming routine for me, since he pretty much buys the same things in the same quantities over and over.  He goes through jars of pimento cheese spread faster than a/… Read full post »

JULY 14, 2011 4:35PM

Please Don't Poke the Aging Bear

Being a personal assistant to senior citizens has provided me with more than a glimpse into their private business.  In fact, there are times when I think I should have been asked to sign a confidentiality agreement.  The thing is, I don't pry into anyone's life.  I do not ask.  M/… Read full post »

JUNE 27, 2011 10:34AM

Cleaning For Arthur - The Unveiling

The first time I cleaned at Arthur's place I found myself underequipped for the job at hand and overwhelmed by the enormity of the job itself.  I stood alone in the kitchen (Arthur high-tailed it) and once again took in the sight of a room that looked like it had been/Read full post »

JUNE 21, 2011 3:59PM

Schlepping for Seniors

With gas prices rising like summertime hemlines, and my income remaining at a pitiful level, my wallet was becoming more and more tight-lipped. It seemed to cringe and back away each time I reached for it in search of cash. After sorting sofa lint from change for the third time in… Read full post »

MAY 23, 2011 1:10PM

On Nit Patrol

Every weekday afternoon I wait in line to pick up my twin boys after school, and each day they greet me with a golden nugget from their school day. Kindergarten can be full of drama. Some recaps are happy, some are teary, and some just leave me flat-out speechless.… Read full post »

APRIL 18, 2011 9:37AM

Please Pass the Vaseline

Over the last two years, my mother’s car has been resuscitated more times than a soap opera star with a negotiable contract.  Someone should have told my mom to sign a DNR order for her car at the time of purchase, which may have spared her the expense, along with the… Read full post »

APRIL 1, 2011 9:34AM

Happy Birthday to Me

Like most people who are my age and older, I would say that my mind feels as young as it did twenty years ago (only smarter and with a rapidly deteriorating memory).  I still enjoy the same music, still talk too much and too fast, and I still have the same/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MARCH 23, 2011 11:28AM

Rodent Rehabilitators R Us

 Lucy

Some residents in my immediate area believe me to be a Jack Hannah, of sorts.  The neighborhood children love to show up at my house with news of a lost puppy, orphaned kitten, or worse, the beast itself.  They know that I will either take in the stray, try to… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MARCH 2, 2011 10:35AM

Forty and Four-Eyed

In one month, I will celebrate my fortieth birthday.  I don’t expect a big party to take place, but should it happen, I expect to be able to see it.  Up until yesterday, I haven’t questioned the quality of my eyesight to a large degree.  My prescriptions for glasses and conRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 9, 2011 3:44PM

The Cable Conspiracy

Southern winters generally run mild, but this year Mother Nature did not receive the memo.  For the fifth time this winter, I’m popping Ativan like Tic-Tacs and wishing for vodka as I watch the snow accumulate on my moonshine stills and dog pens, here in Deliveranceville.   ThatRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 3, 2011 1:03PM

Freeze Dry Fido?

My state has a fifth season.  Hunting season.  We have people hunting deer, ducks, hogs, squirrels, rabbits, turkeys, and whatever else has fur or feathers around here.  It amazes me that I ever see road kill anymore.  That dead possum I saw last week must have fallen out of the bRead full post »

At this time last year, I was breaking free from the grip of a depression, during which time I discovered writing.  The bug bit me then, and hasn't let go yet.  With the support of readers, writers, friends, and family, I find myself sitting at the computer each day… Read full post »

JANUARY 15, 2011 10:47AM

Repost: Achieving Erotic Ecstasy

Before getting into the meat of this piece, so to speak, I felt it best to post a disclaimer for the sake of clarity:

**The following information in no way represents the writer’s personal life. Whatsoever, people. Writer claims no responsibility for any less-than-satisfying experiences, breakRead full post »

JANUARY 12, 2011 1:22PM

My Mouth Runneth Over and Over

Sometimes I wish the filter between my brain and my mouth worked as intended, to quality check thoughts before my lips expel them.   Mostly, I hope a filter even exists in there.  Something needs to kick in and have veto power over my mouth.  I must have won the barebones model/… Read full post »

Once word gets out in these parts of even a possibility of snow or ice in the forecast, Borden's dairy cows run for cover.  The demand for milk and bread here rises faster than the national debt.  I spent most of my childhood in the New England area, where the mentionRead full post »

I don't know of a man alive who would argue that almost everything about women is complex. From our families and jobs, to our health and relationships, we can complicate just about anything. Ask our therapists. However, to our female brains, things seem simple. Take our friendships with other women.Read full post »

I speak from the hearts of parents everywhere when I say the annual Christmas school break should be outlawed, especially if foul weather is so much as a twinkle in God's eye during the scheduled time frame. No wonder suicides rates rise during Christmastime. It's the kids! Having four of themRead full post »

We have a policy regarding teenage boys and my daughter.  A strict policy of no touching (unless a life is being saved), and with good reason.  Not that we can do a whole lot to enforce it, but we do pay close attention to our daughter's life.  As a former teenager,/… Read full post »