Note: Tomorrow I'll be having massive dental stuff done and so, I guess, in honor of all that nitrous, I'm reposting two of my alien/UFO blogs from the simmering dark past. I'm actually not into this stuff, but for a while, the only guys I dated were crop circle/alien-abduction/cattle mutilation fruitcakes, so I started researching the whole burrito to see what the connection was. None, I decided. It's what you might call a corollary, not a cause, although realizing that doesn't go quite far enough in self-esteem repair. Not by a fucking long shot.

 Reposted: Thursday, September 24, 2009

Pretty cute lamp, isn't it? It's just the way I figure it happens when you get slurped up by outer world invaders. It reminded me that there's lots of info floating around in the atmosphere that I'm placidly unaware of: stuff about Miley Cyrus, Brazilian wax jobs, celebrity chefs, and destination weddings. It's when I get curious about some corner of the universe that I discover all these thorny problems lurking in the most benign places.

F'rinstance, it wasn't until I started poking around into extraterrestrial aliens, that I got reintroduced to the whole abduction scandal. About fifteen years ago, the same time that nursery school kids were being snatched for satanic rituals, there was a huge uptick in people kidnapped during their REM sleep and spirited onto space ships. Since I'm easily distracted, I was paying a whole lot more attention to the reported hordes of devil-worshipping toddler-eating ghouls, and pooh-poohed the sad-sack alien abductees.

I'm here to say it's still quite a problem, this getting grabbed by guys from outer space. What happens is...well, I'll let Michael Menkin of http://www.stopabductions.com website explain:

Since we are being invaded by an alien force from another world, we have a different kind of war. Our war with these beings is one of mind control, mind scan, and telepathic control... Until now, the creatures abducting us could do so at will: they could "switch off" people or render them powerless, manipulate people's thoughts and cause them to move against their will, project mental images to us, masquerade as a friendly or sexually attractive human, and scan our entire minds.

A big problem for all of us, Michael thinks, a veritable War of the Worlds. Michael, however, has come up with a solution for those who are repeatedly abducted, taken to a space ship, and then wake in the morning, all bruised and bleeding from odd places, and he has the testimonials to prove it. He's designed a Thought-Screen Helmet you can cobble together from directions he's posted on his website.

Check out this happy camper...

She goes on to say that she's been abducted for years, but that the thought screen helmet has definitely raised her quality of life. And then there's this gentleman...


ALIEN ABDUCTEE FROM KENTUCKY WEARING A THOUGHT SCREEN HELMET

I feel the same way. If a thought-screen helmet is what it takes for this guy to get out of bed, it seems pretty cheap and easy. What I always miss in these and other non-mainstreamy accounts is all the little stuff. Like, did the guys at job site give him a hard time the first time he climbed into his Caterpillar Paver, wearing his thought-screen helmet? Haw! Haw! Haw! Think you're a pilot or sumpin, dickhead?

And did the Austrian woman's family sigh with relief when she sat down to dinner in her helmet? And what did she say to Bub, Sis, and Dad? No more pesky thought-grabbing, my cherished ones! And, BTW, whatever happened to the classical foil-lined baseball cap? (Actually, I found out that foil-lining is so 1950. And with the advanced technology aliens are using, aluminum foil doesn't stand a chance.)

This alien abduction business, it's a rich vein all right.