Well, I never thought this was something I would do, but here I am, writing a blog that no one will read or care about. But hey, this'll make a good filter for my depresssion and teen angst, so who am I to complain?

 So to "get down to buisness," I'm here to document my progress on my way to "full mental health," or whatever it is. It's just me typing up what goes on inside these therapy sessions all of us so-called basket cases get put through. And if I get admitted, a look inside the adolescent psych ward of my local hospital. I'd tell you where that is, but I don't really need any stalkers.

First off, I guess I'll tell you what's happened so far with my "condition." Depression runs in my family, and I've been battling it for around two years now. Not much I know, but it is when you're my age. Anyway, I've seen a few different therapists but quit seeing each one when they suggested medication. The idea of becoming dependent on something like that terrifies me, and if I wasn't desperate I wouldn't even conscider it now.

I should probably mention that I have ADD and have been on Vyvanse(sp) for that for a few weeks now. My focus has improved greatly, but my apetite is almost nonexistent. I knew weightloss was a possible side effect, but I'm 5'9 and a few days ago I weighed in at 120lbs., which is underweight for my height. Today I weighed in at 117lbs. Not a big change, but I can't afford to lose any weight, and with my rapidly decreasing apetight, my therapist thought it would be best to take me off Vyvanse(sp) and put me on something else.

Not a big deal, I mean, loads of kids deal with ADD medication issues. The only problem is that he wants me on and antidepressant or antianxiety medication on top of that.

Now I know what you're thinking, why would you need antianxiety medication?

 Well you see, when I get into a really bad period of depression, like suicide risk bad, I get really shakey and panickey. The littlest thing will send me into a breakdown. My breakdowns mean me flipping out and completely losing control of my thoughts and actions. I usually knock over whatever is in front of me while screaming or yelling semi-distinguishable things, or sometimes just making loud slightly animalistic sounds. Then I curl up into a ball and sob until my throat and eyes are sore.

I don't know why this happens, it just does. Something inside me snaps and I just lose control. I can't calm myself down and most people around when it happens are smart enough not to try. The only warning is I start to get really shakey and panickey. I withdraw from the world around me, but I'm hyper-aware of it. I have a pretty extreme sense of self preservation, and when I get like that I'm paranoid about anything that might compramise my wellbeing. Which contradicts the self-harm I know, but what can I say? I'm a contradiction.

 I've been surpressing these things for a while, thinking they might just go away, but they seem to be getting worse. I'm at the point where if the thought popped into my head to hurt myself or even kill myself durring a breakdown, I know I wouldn't hestitate. When I get like that, It's like someone else is controling me, someone who likes to laugh at me, and It's impossible to take control. I'm scared of myself, scared to be alone, so hospitalization seems to be my only option.

I've been researching psych hospitals, and I think I'll stick with the ward of my local hospital. I know I've seen wayyy too many horror movies, but what former patients have said about some of these places makes me want to sleep with the lights on. I hate feeling veunerable and helpless, but not knowing what's going to happen and if I'll ever be "okay" again has me scared to death. I feel like I can't trust myself anymore, like I'm not even safe inside my own head.

I think that's why I used to cut. It made me feel like I was in control. It was only for a little while and I stopped over a year ago, but sometimes I get really tempted to start again. The only thing that stops me is the fact that the scars on my wrists and ankles have gotten me in trouble before, and they're going to be the sourse of alot of questions at the hospital; any new cuts would just cause more trouble.

I really have no idea what this is going to be like. Is it just me, or do hospitals websites suck? All I know is it says that patients have access to wireless internet. It doesn't say how much or if I can use my own laptop, so I might not update this until I get out, if I even get in that is. I'll probably write more experiences of my depression so far and what's happening there when I'm bored there to pass the time.

So that's it. Here's my journey so far in a quickly typed blog entry. Like it says in my bio, let the judging begin.