Wausau, Wisconsin, Yes, better than city
January 18
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XJS AND ME's Links

MAY 19, 2011 3:21AM

Back in the U.S.A. Part VII Full circle

Rate: 9 Flag

We talked on the telephone every other day and sometimes every day.

We were a million miles apart yet we could feel each other as if we were right there.

Every mornig I woke up and was lonely before I got out of bed.

As time went on, Nina began to be more sad and desperate about everything, us being apart and the unhappiness where she was forced to live.

I needed to hold her as much as she needed me.

We had been so good right from the start.

She was perfect


Times when she would be crying while we spoke would tear at my heart and make me dangerously angry at those people.

I wnted to go back to California and do what I felt like doing to them. They deserved it.

There was a part of me like that from being elsewhere.

I knew that would only make everything worse and impossible for us.

There were times when I would just sit there and stare off into nothing, my mind and heart back with Nina.

I didn't know what to do. It was more than just wanting her. It was wanting her out of that miserable life.

She would hear the noises of what the cop would do to her mother and she was frightened.

A couple of times I could hear him yelling and raging.

I remember him twice taking the telephone from Nina and slamming it down.

He didn't want any contact between us ever.

I had become more unhappy than at any time in my life.

I was missing something in my life that was more important to me than anything else.

It would get worse   much worse

She was able to call me less often and I couldn't take the chance of calling there. I'd never know who would answer. If I would call and hang up, they'd know and she'd have to hear all their hateful yelling.

After two months went by without any calls or a note from Nina, I couldn't stand it anymore.

I had to see her  talk to her  hold her.

Now was the time~~


I couldn't drive fast enough and I was so consumed with missing her and thoughts of the way it was when we were together that it was hard to keep my mind on the road.

The first day I made 1200 miles. It just didn't go by fast enough.

I couldn't wait to see her. I wanted to smell her and touch her and feel her. I wanted to hold her and love her and be loved by her.

Sometimes I'd be so lost in these thoughts that I caught myself going off the road.

My body was there in the car yet my heart and mind were already with my woman.

Two days later, I was in Tujunga.

I stayed with my friends.

They were good friends and had known all about us from the last time.

They didn't know Nina without me and, when I got there, they kidded me about coming for her.

Yes, that is exactly what I had in mind~~somehow.

The next day I took a ride past their house. It hadn't been one of the fancier or nicer houses when I had driven past it so many years ago.

It looked deserted.

I drove around the neighborhood for a while and waited till I saw some life or someone moving around.

I never did so I parked right out front.

I was worried yet, I was really pissed about this cop so I didn't give a damn. I was going to find out what was going on with my Nina.

Yes, I still very much felt that she was mine.

I went up to the house and looked in one of the windows.

No furniture

No nothing

No car in the driveway or yard.

I went to a couple of the neighbors and found out from one of them that they had just picked up and left one day.

Nobody knew to where.

In those days, if a guy went around a high school and asked some questions, it wasn't like the hysteria of today.

A day later, I went to one of the high schools in the town.

I asked around about her but, noone knew her.

The next day, I went to the other school and waited till they let out for the day.

Again I asked about her.

She wasn't anywhere where I could see her in all those kids.

I asked one of them and she said she knew of her but didn't know her and another girl knew her but wasn't there.

I was getting anxious and wanted to see her right now. I missed her so much and felt that we were so close now.

The next day, I finally found the other girl who knew Nina.

We talked and I found out she knew about us.

It was obvious that I didn't know where she was and this girl was having trouble telling me.

I finally got it all out of her and how to find the woman I loved.

The next day, I bought some flowers~~roses~~we both liked roses.

When I found Nina, there was noone else around.

The two of us were alone.

I sat and talked and talked and cried and told her how much I loved her

How much I always loved her

How much I will alway love her


Then I gently laid the roses on her grave, got up and walked into the void in my heart.



Nina Nina

You will always be my love


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shivers. beautiful work.
I had a bad feeling it might end like this, but you kept me guessing right up to the punch in the gut. My heart goes out to you, bubba. If it's any comfort, this memory is a fine tribute to Nina and your love for each other.
I did not expect this. I am so sorry.
What a horrible wounds you have from everything in this post. My heart aches for a girl who only wanted to be happy and love but it wasn't allowed in her home and she wasn't allowed to go find it, and a young man who only wanted to love and cherish her. My spirit is angry with parents that wish to destroy a child instead of loving and protecting her. Now you ache with despair over not being allowed to cherish and protect one you love.

XJS, there's no shame to having feelings of hate and anger, and you did right by not acting on them. It wasn't long enough but at least Nina got to experience what it felt like to be safe, loved and cared for, it would have been worse for her to have lived and never experienced that.

The shame belongs to those who see beauty and have a lust to use or destroy it and those who turn away in indifference. They dishonor themselves.

If you're ready, it's okay to let the pain out and let it go and keep only the love. I honor your pain and goodness.
I'm sorry you lost Nina. Try to remember the love you two shared and it'll help ease your heartache if for only a moment.
so tragic, what happened to her?
I thought she might be married off to someone else...
Sorry - XJS - shdnt have sent you that today of all days, sorry really sorry
it is always hard to forget one's first love.

Rated my friend!

Great series, in the writing and the emotion.

I can see why it would have taken so much out of you writing it!!!
I just felt your heart snap in two. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Will there be an epilogue or are you ending there?
The arc o your story started out lush and detailed with bits of color and light sprinkled in. I could feel the gray shades crowding in as your prose became more laconic and staccato.

A rose for the beautiful Nina. A cup of sorrow for you I am sad to say.
No e-mails for five days now. Miss you. :'- (
Hey, XJS, where are you?
XJS, wishing you a magical unimaginably magical year in 2012 . Come back and be with us for a day at least from wherever you are?