I come here too seldom to expect to be welcomed into the bosom of OS...but I admire and like many folks around here, and  it is always a sort of lifeline to reality and perspective.  A microcosm of the greater world, and a place to exercise that last bastion of the truly shy:  voyeurism.  Today...I am forcing myself to be the opposite...revelatory...advice seeking..."exhibitionist"...*blush*...

 By the way...I think that word, voyeur,  has gotten a bad rap in the evolutionary mill.  I like this quote by William Gass, in which he reclaims much of it's original meaning, "to see"

The blue we bathe in is the blue we breathe.  The blue we breathe, I fear, is what we want from life and find only in fiction.  For the voyeur, fiction is what's called  'going all the way'.

                                                         --On Being Blue: a Philiosphical Inquiry  p. 85

I'm SO with him on that "fiction" thing.  That book's a "gas" really...you oughta read it!  (..."ouch"...)  I feel much more secure in the world of "make believe" sometimes.  Or at least reading about someone else's problems to give myself that "there  but for the grace of God" sort of perspective.

Anyway, I adore word origins.  Derivations.  Original meanings.  Imagine my surprise when this word...voyeur...is linked, closely, companionably, with another favorite...wit.  Wit is derived from the old English, witan...which is kin to Old High German...wizzan...and can trace itself, like voyeur, to the Latin videre and the Greek eidenai..."to see, to know" .  And that's it...Bingo...that's what I want...to see and to know!

So, aside from sexual titillation, which I demur to comment on...a voyeur is "one who sees".  One who observes.  I am not a do-er, so much as a "see-er", I guess.  Not so much a mover, as "one who is moved"...and I mean that emotionally as well as physically.  Once I had a friend, when I was in crisis, say, not untruthfully...though it stung..."You don't have a life, your life has you!"

 Even my Chinese and Western astrological signs speak to this...I am the Ox...dedicated, loyal and dare I say it...slow moving.  I am Libra, the scales and the balance.  I don't really BUDGE easily when I am in a "groove",  shall we say...or if I do...I swing wildly back and forth when upset.

Seeing, knowing = favorite things...moving...especially when I don't wanna...very unpleasant.  

 So...all this pedantic pussyfooting around is leading in a vicious spiral to an unrelenting demand from the universe for that most damnable thing...a DECISION...from this voyeuristic ox...who SO likes balance, calm and serenity.  As George's dad in Seinfeld had it...."Serenity NOW!"

I am making myself sick with this one folks...so...weigh in on it, here goes:

As any who have read my posts (rare as they are) you know that my husband lost his job at a government lab in Boulder in April of 2008.  He found work in Central Illinois.  I took a leave of absence from my teaching job...both the best and worst decision I could have made...more on that later...and we moved to where his new job was, where we have been fortunate to keep employment nigh these 2 years...thank the powers above and Lady Fortune.

 We live in Tiny Town, (central) IL.  (Or Ill..as it used to be known...and as it is making me!)  Land of earwigs and sweat, home of the humid and bland.  Sorry, Illinois natives...there are SO many things to recommend it.  Friendly folks, corn, beautiful autumns, corn, cheap state taxes, corn....and very interesting, if unsavory state and local politics...not to mention...employment for the hubster.  There are also 6 month, unrelentingly freezing, cloudy winters.  Yes...Colorado is much milder, more snow, perhaps, but less ice, and many days of temperate climate midwinter.  Really...Denver gets as many days of sunshine as San Diego!

Anyway, I got a part time job teaching English Language Learners at the Tiny Town school district, though I am, by training and credentials, a high school Social Studies teacher.  I accepted because it seemed a pleasant job, and held a bit of challenge...my first time working with kindergarten to 5th grade for example.  It just wasn't a "permanent" job...unless I wanted to change my emphasis and earn a credential in said field.  

This spring, the district hired a young thing fresh from school, who posesses  said "credential" and I am out of a job.  I was hoping to parley my experience and "in-district" status into a Social Studies gig, but none materialized...my last hope fading as a high school Social Studies teacher retired...but was not replaced.  

Let's add to the picture.  This area is recessed like most.  12% unemployment.  A closed high school in nearby, "River City"., which is the largest district in the area, and job cuts among remaining nearby schools, have jettisoned hundreds of teachers into the hiring pool, with minimal job availability.  The state of Illinois is in arrears to most school districts to the tune of MILLIONS of missed payments, and all schools nearby have cut their budgets to the bone.  

A fruitless search for any teaching jobs  at the secondary level has turned up...nothing.  I can be a substitute teacher for negligible pay, sporadic employment and no benefits, or...I can go back to Colorado to work...where my leave will expire next month.  

If I stay in Illinois, chances of finding employment are bleak in the near future, though who knows what will happen eventually?  Online education is growing, though there's nothing open now in that field...and perhaps this is the time to get that long awaited Master's degree...in...whatever will get me a job in education.  Whatever's in high demand.  Probably English as a Second Language.  I can't do Special Ed., I just don't have the stomach for it (Praise and glory to all you Special Ed. teachers out there!)  I can't teach Math because I am an idiot when it comes to numbers...really, and have intense math anxiety. 

I majored in Zoology and minored in Chemistry for 2 1/2 years but have forgotten over 90% of the Chemistry...and Biology ALONE is not a likely "gig getter".

Soooo...I can return to my old job...except it isn't.  My old job that is...it isn't my old job.  They pulled the rug out from under me because it was easy to do while I was on leave.  I taught World History and U.S. Government for 7 years.  If I go back...they have assigned me, in addition to U.S. Goverment...Economics and Geography.

 Geography  is do-able.  I taught it during my first six years of work.  I'd have to dig, but I can handle it on the fly.  Speaking of "fly"...as in "fly in the ointment"?...that's Economics.  The fly to end all flies in the ointment of my teaching non-repertoire.

Remember my math anxiety?  Know that I have taken only one entry level course in Macroeconomics...too long ago to mention.  This assignment spells major anxiety folks.  I will teach Seniors, who know everything and make sure YOU are aware that they know everything...and I will be so sure that I know nothing that I just may hand one of them the chalk (white board marker?) and say...ok...you're the teacher...I'ma go sit over there for a while...

And...I haven't reached the truly scary and sad part.   The part that churns my stomach and kicks in the "fear" machine big time.  I have to be apart from my husband to take up the job in Colorado.  

My husband is one in a million.  He spins my world.  He helps me be a balanced ox.  I love him.  He has a lot of quirks, however.  He's a Physicist folks...logical, analytical, sometimes shocked and awed by strong expressions of emotion...sometimes to the point of my thinking he's somewhere near Asperger's level.  We are polar opposites in regard to verbal expressions of "how we feel".   I'm a latin "emoter" and he's a scientist.   I know, I know...some guys are just like that.

Suffice to say that he will not weigh in on this decision other than to tell me to "do what makes me happy".  He says he doesn't want to live with me being "miserable" here in Illinois.  He says "do what you want".  When pressed about the decision...he says.  "I don't know."  The most I've gotten from him is an agreement that we wouldn't live apart for more than ONE year, at which time, either he has found a job in CO and we reunite there...or I come back to Illinois and give it a wholehearted go.  

Of course, there is always a 3rd, 4th and 5th possibiltiy...his job could be cut...he could find a BETTER job in another  state (Oregon?  New York?  Idaho?  North Carolina?  Who the heck knows where the jobs are in "Solid Materials Physics"?!)   We could win the Powerball Lottery...er I guess not, since we don't buy tickets.

Finally, to understand my full motivation to even contemplate a year apart from the man it took me till my 40's to find...I have to add this:  I have some school loan debt.  It is our ONLY debt.  He has none.  I have none except this school loan.  Really, no car loans, no mortgage, no credit card debt.  (So take THAT...credit rating!) However, I let the interest escalate the balanceof this loan by about double when I was starting out in teaching, floundering financially.  Really.  Now in the scheme of school loan debt, this debt is not the worst.  It's not "Doctor level debt".    But...it's bigger than a breadbasket, let's just say.  

When we married, I saddled hubby with an overpriced, overmortgaged home (sub prime...that's me all over...you can see why I'm not a prime candidate to teach Economics...HA!).  He re-financed my foul 80/20 arrangment, and our loss, when we finally sold this home was reduced by his "move benefit package" when we came to Illinois.  Suffice to say that my life has been very different, financially, since we married.  I am above water in all ways but the school loan.  

Why was I in such dire straits financially?  Well that's another story...but it involves a previous, quite devious and bloodsucking relationship prior to my having met my husband...in other words, my ex-boyfriend took me to the cleaners!  So sad...boohoo...do not pass go, do not collect $200!

So here's the dilemma.  I feel I really owe it to my hubby to make a supreme effort to not leave him holding the bag once again for stuff that I made a miserable mess of BEFORE his tenure in this thing called my life. I want to pay this debt down.  I want to pay it as far down as I possibly can, so that we can have a clean slate at mid-life, and not be weighed down by my previous life.  I don't want to "take him to the cleaners" like my ex did me.  Got it?  Its a principle.  A matter of honor. 

He is a very responsible guy with money.  Fiscally conservative.  But definitely not ungenerous.  He also says..."don't go if you don't want to go".    He will take care of me.  He will finance my move back to Colorado until I get my first check (teachers get paid monthly) if I want to go.  He's got my back, in other words.  

I've found a rather good living situation in CO.  A friend of my sister has offered to let me live in her 3 bedroom house (I'd get two of the bedrooms to myself with an adjoining bath...plus share the common areas) ALL utilities paid for $500.  She will also let me have my dog with me.  Hubby says that if I DO go...I really need to take the dog with me, so I won't be lonely, and I agree...but it isn't easy to find good living spaces that will allow more than a tiny dog...my dog weighs 48 pounds...and many places say:  "dogs under 30 pounds only", or charge up the yin yang.

Another benefit to the living space is that I do not have to move any furniture, household goods or kitchen items.  My housemate has all of this already.  Maybe a book case and some bins to put clothes in would be all I need.  She's also away from the house a lot (one reason she wants a room mate...an occupant while she's away.)  She's a very nice person.  Most of the "shared living" arrangements I found advertised were expensive, shady, with college students (I'm just too old for that) or with some real desperados.  I read an ad where a family of 4 wanted to rent their LIVING ROOM to someone.   Seriously...there are lots of people who want to rent to you out of real desperation.  I feel for them, but I don't know if I can be their personal bank...if you know what I mean?

This house is a bit of a commute...18 miles.   I know all you big city types (Chicago, New York, L.A., Dallas...etc) think that is negligible, but factor in a Colorado winter and spring...with heavy snowfall...along with a 7:30 start time for school, and it gets a bit more "iffy".    It's not the sort of job you can really be late for.  In emergencies, either a colleague or your principal may sit in till you arrive...but trust me...that is NOT optimal and I'd be getting up VERY early to deter that possibility.

All in all...neither decision has a great deal to recommend it in some ways.  Colorado:  familiar, beloved place, employment, but no husband and odd living arrangment with nice acquaintance.  Illinois:  the comfort of my little "family of two" (or three if you count the dog...we do),  a house of my own (rented...but lovely), but no employment and the stress and pressure that my "guilt" about hubby shouldering my debt burden and lack of income will bring.  

It's weird folks...home is obviously about more than geography, and love about more than smooching and sex.  I want to do right by this man who has added so much to my life.  I don't want to pressure our marriage with undue burdens of debt.  (The meta-voice in my mind says that I have much less debt than many Americans...but the angel on my shoulder says...be free of it...hunker down for a year and lift that weight)

I'm weirded out by being unemployed in Illinois and won't be eligible for any unemployment because, of course this unemployment would be "by choice (hardy har!)  I'd need to really hustle to have any work around here as a teacher.  I wonder how long my husband's patience will last when he has to pay that school loan...and know that I don't even have a job to show for all that damned education I paid for with it!

 I know,  ya'll,  that I have some particular blessings.  I have a fine partner in life, who, though he is not one to show me with words... demonstates his affection  in tangible ways daily.  We are not destitute.  We are a well educated, two continent spanning family of two.  We enjoy good health...knock wood...no alarm on the horizon there as far as we know.   We have an extended family of Irish and American folks who are the salt of the earth.  We have good friends.  

So, what do you fine, wise and voyeuristic folks have to say?  Especially you "long time marrieds".  I'd love to hear what you folks in long relationships feel and think about the Finance vs. Heart axis that this decision is hung on.  Advice?

I just need to calm my racing brain.  I want resolution. I just need "serenity now"...