There’s been a lot of hoopla about a certain book that everyone (and their mother) is reading. Some book about sexual proclivities or something like that. But I prefer to keep it on the up and up, so to speak. So, when I was hallucinating, recently, this is what I thought I heard:

(1)    I give it a 75 – the seats were hard and, man, they were uncomfortable.

(2)    How ‘bout an 80?  There was a cool view of the planes taking off and landing from LaGuardia.

(3)    Very noisy, all those jet engines. Make that 80 a 70.

(4)    I say 88 – the hot dogs were pretty good.

(5)    Nah. A 65. Cause of the Mets.

(6)    Actually, 43. Because of the Mets.

(7)    What about the Beatles? Didn’t they play there in 1965? I give it a 95 just for that.

(8)    58. The parking was ridiculous.

(9)    78. At least it was near Elmhurst Hospital. In case you had a heart attack. You know. ‘Cause of the Mets.

(10) 62. ‘Cause of the traffic on the Grand Central Parkway. You woulda died before you ever made it to Elmhurst.

(11-47) I got two words for you: the Mets.  A 35.

(48)  What about the 1969 Mets? Ya gotta give it a 100 for that.

(49)  OK,I’ll give you that. Then 79, cause Citifield ain’t Shea.

(50) Look, bottom line is, the Mets. That’s all I gotta say.  I give it a fifty. Not even a ‘ballpark’ figure. A fifty. Period.

“Ballpark.” Good one. I’m hungry. Let’s eat.