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Z BITCH

Z BITCH
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New York, New York, USA
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Z lives in NYC. He is definitely NOT a writer. In fact English is Z's second languange. Z loves to have FUN & share his FUN with everyone! :):):) Kiss Kiss

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Salon.com
Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 29, 2009 8:03PM

Is American Express anti immigrant??

Rate: 13 Flag

anxiety It was an perfect Sunday morning. I was very lazily lying around in my oversized sweatpants. I decided to do something useful and started goi ng through my mail pile.
When I saw my American Express credit card bill. perfect Sunday wasn't that perfect anymore. As if bill were not high enough, I realized there was a charge which wasn't mine. DISPUTE!!
I don't like disputes but I can't afford things I didn't even buy. There was a purchase had been made online. WTF! It was Victoria's secret. I've never bought anything from them. Last time I checked still I didn't have boobies.
I decided to call American Express. Don't you hate calling 800 numbers and talking to a recorded voice like crazy people.
It makes me so tense. I was already irritated by $258.76 extra charge. Who needs this bullshit right now!!!?? I picked my blue card from my wallet and looked up toll free number.
1-800-blue-741
Why the HELL do they put "blue" there??? Can't they write simple numbers?? As if I would remember all those numbers by hearth!! As if That "blue"  would make me memorize whole toll-free number. Hey Heellloo!!! I have more important things to remember in my life like hairdresser's number.
Who comes up these dummy ideas? Putting "blue" in the number doesn't make the number "special". Annoyingggg!!

Anyways! I dialed the number. Here it was one of those nice lady voices. I hated her voice already  Her voice was so impeccable, joyful, gleeful.
I feel like saying " Lady! What kind of drug are you on?? I mean! Won't get ever depressed or tired?" ( Yuck! Too much happiness gives me nausea.)
She said " Hello from American Express!" My inner voice said " Hello Bitch! I'm here to dispute! Stop trying to get me soft!"
She continued " To better service , please say or enter 15 digits account number"
OK! Will do!  I said " V-one, Sewiin, Seroo,Toowo, Treee, Toowuu, Fiiwee...." Gee!
She immediately got bitchy " Sorry! I didn't get that!!""
My inner voice!" WHAAAAT!!! Hello Lady! I'm from Turkey! Sure I have an accent! Sorriiyyy!!"
I repeated " V-one, Sewiin, Seroo,Toowo, Treee, Toowuu, Fiiwee...."
She said harshly " SORRY! I didn't get that! Please enter 15 digits account number"
My inner voice " Don't get pissy with me!! It is not my fault you speak first time with a Turkish person! Bossy BITCH! My accent is adorable! At least my boyfriend says so!!"
Unwillingly I entered DAMN number!!
She said " Please enter your personal security number" OH MY FASHION GOD! Shit! I don't remember that!!!
She immediately said "First four digit of you mother's maiden name"
 Ohhh! She tries to make it up with me! She plays helpful! OKeeey! "
I entered the number. You can imagine my frustration at that point.


She started talking again " For information like balance,payment say Account summary"
I mumbled " Acoint Summrie!" She responded " OK! I didn't get that! Please say again!"
Aaaaww! Bitch! I'm tense here! Work with me!..
I repeated " Acoint Summrie!" She advised " OK! I didn't get that!"

Because you are dummy! You don't even get my accent!! She continued talking " Please say Payment or Balance summary or Pay by phone"
Awww! I'm loosing here. I said " Awrightt! Awrightww! Ugghh! Paiwment!"
Whore responded again " OK! I didn't get that!"
Cum on! Are you anti immigrant or MORON! I screamed " Paiwment! Paiwment! Paiwment!"
OMG! I was about to cry! And All of a sudden I farted!! It was loud, long & big. Have I ever mentioned I fart when I get tense. I know!!! My bowels have bizarre manners!!! I got angry because she made me fart.
I yelled "Luuk ! Waaat you did! You made me farrttt!"
She responded harshly " OK! I didn't get that! Please say again!"
WTF!!!! I said " Helluuu!! Is there aniboiiwy? Helluuu!
She impatiently said " OK! Please say representative!!"
OH MY GREY GOOSE GOD! Thank YOU! I happily said " Ripre-sensitive!"
She said " OK! I didn't get that! Please say again!"
I was screaming!!!" YOU!! MOTHER FUC... BLEEEP!!!! This is discrimination!!! So stupid! Can't you understand a foreigner!!!
I mean my accent is easy to understand. Not like I'm Chinese!!!"
Bitch responded " " OK! I didn't get that! Please say again!"
Whaaaat!!! I hung up!!! I needed a drink even though it was 11 am!!
Well! That's why MY ALCOHOL GOD created champagne!!!
Click here to read " We ALL need vicodin!!!"

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Stupid recorded voice!! ~Shaking head~ Got to love them, the one time, I called one of our support companies, Dell or someone and my coworker buddy said, "Fucken phone!" in jest behind

And the voice said, "Now transfering fucken phone!" And I got a live really to god person!! :D
I hate those attendent things . . . with or without an accent, they are out of control!
This is a wonderful story. It gives me great hope. It is the one, sure way to say, "Speak English, you immigrants!"

I hope AmEx finds a way to make it even more difficult to deal with immigrants on the phone if they have a heavy foreign accent. Maybe if it becomes frustrating enough, all the illegals will go home, and those who are here legally will learn to communicate so they can be understood in English.

I'll be sure to use my AmEx card all the time if they get the reputation for being anti immigrant.
This is one of the worst 'pick's I have ever read on Salon. American Express can't be responsible if some idiot cannot even speak English to be understood; if this is the type of person who can't even communicate properly, then maybe they should go right to a real person to get some satisfaction. Pathetic article and Salon can do better than present something like this. Sad...
just keep hitting zero--this usually brings you to a real humanoid.
To 911c2-- oh boy! You wake very cranky today. I guess!
Have you ever heard “HUMOR”?
Of course American Express is not responsible for that.
Clearly you have sense of humor.
Or do you have stock options with AMEX?

Hoping you do better job with your writing.
I have no intension to read your pieces anyway.
OH! Just a suggestion! Take vitamin B12!
It will clear up your crankiness! LOL
To HMicheal-- I do agree immigrants should learn English, but sending them back is little harsh just because they don't speak English.
Who invented these computer phone voices? First they insult us by implying that we are too dumb to realize that we are talking to a machine or, worse, that we LIKE talking to dumb machines. Yes, no matter how much we call our plethora of needless electronic toys "smart" we are dumb-a**s for being so dependent on them and the greedy freaks who peddle them.

Whoever invented these talking computers, may you rot in the same hell as the guy who invented the pay toilet.
You ought to post in "broadsheet".
Whining is so common there that it seems to be required.
Not bad.. not bad at all..

I understand completely.

And good luck with that Amex.
American Express is okay but that answering lady is a total bitch, aldırma canım. :)
OH MY FASHIONVICODANGREYGOOSEGOD! LOLLLLLL!! xox

(and yes, Amex is anti-immigrant)

And I have met very few people anywhere, including myself, who speak English very well. xoxoxxxx
Somewhere, in India, a 'slumdog not-a-millionaire' is looking back on his/her former job with a real 'we coulda told ya so' grin on their face!
I wonder: when all of the Jobs have been taken over by Phone-bots, Mow-bots, Vacuum-bots, and Doctor-bots - who will have any money to buy anything anymore? Does it mean we'll all get to live in that fabled 'Star Trek Future'?
Stanislaw Lem writes (in "Mortal Engines" - a collection of 'Fairy Tales', only for Robots!) "Ro, ro, ro your bot, gently down the stream."
Hmmmm....even Dragon Boat Races seem to be under assault. I think we've been insurected by a Hal 9000, whaddabout you?
@911c2 - This is not an 'idiot who can't speak English to be understood,' it's a person whose native language makes it hard to pronounce some words in the way a voice recognition system demands. Try going to Turkey (or any other country) and see if you can speak their language with no accent. And then see if you can get past one of these systems.
...fee...rust...rating!!! Despise these antiquated systems and usually it's the cistomer service rep at the other end with the barely audible accent to deal with. I hang up till I get someone I can understand as well as one who understands my predicament. Try again!
I like to say fuck off to them until they say "okay, I'll transfer you to a representative" not all of them do but it is very therapeutic to get to yell that at them for several minutes, and there is a bonus, those calls are all recorded so sooner or later someone at Amex will get to hear you screaming fuck off over and over. The whole thing resides in the desire of those companies to avoid paying a living breathing person for dealing with customers, the added plus is that so many people just hang up and give in that they see it as profit making potential. Don't worry too much about the cover thing either, Dr. Amy or Jocelyn testes might be posting and they must make room for them.
All I can say to the critics of this post is PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!

Z BITCH is one of those writers on here who most time, makes me laugh because even though he speaks Turkey, and I speak Cat, I understand him enough.

As was stated, this was humorous work, and it made me laugh because even the most "Uncle Sam American Apple Pie Joe" has had that phone call with the automated system that makes you want to scream, "Give me AlHad Dalamar from Rakenstan!!!!!"

Congrats my friend on the EP and I guess a short lived cover run. I'm still not sure how that cover works. I have discovered if I ever come out of the closet and tell everyone I'm heterosexual, I sooo won't be getting a pick or an EP!! ;)
Another fantastic Z bitch story that made me laugh throughout the post...as usual. Well, American Express, and Chase and Bank of America and Comcast and AT&T and United Airlines...yes United Airlines...they are responsible for white middle age (hah) women prejudice because they never understand me, and I have to keep repeating, and then if I'm hormonal, it's even worse and I go ballistic on the phone and they just keep saying they can't understand me. I don't think it had anything to do with your Turkish accent Z. Clearly, you must have sounded gay and they are homophobic!!! Let's get the issues straight. Seriously though, great choice on the part of the editors who clearly have a great sense of humor and recognize your talent.
Ed D. Tor might have a connection to American Express, and you don't fuck with business! Otherwise, there is nothing wrong with this that I haven't seen a hundred times in Tink's Post (sorry Tink)
Ed D. Tor might have a connection to American Express, and you don't fuck with business! Otherwise, there is nothing wrong with this that I haven't seen a hundred times in Tink's Post (sorry Tink)
scanner, tis okay!! I'm not Pick anyways!! ;)
But on a balance, they love gay men. I used to live in Phoenix and there was a huge call center for AmEx there covering their travel division where service calls came in from English-speaking customers spread all over the world. They preferred to hire gay men because it was a twenty-four hour operation where people could work at any time of the day or night for as many hours a week as they wanted to (it's a right-to-work state, so you can work a 100 hours if you choose). Therefore gay men who--despite the ongoing battle over marriage rights--tend not to have children or a spouse at home, were their perfect employees. They had incredible domestic partnership coverage (rather defeats the purpose, if you ask me) and they sponsored anything and everything in the gay community. Every gay guy I ever met in Phoenix had worked there at one time or another. Not that this helps you at all--just saying.
With or without an accent these are horrible. I think they are just of terrible quality and shouldn't be used since they are not suitable for 1) native english speakers or 2) speakers of english as a second language.
IT just happened to be AMEX today, but AMEX could easily be substituted for any number of institutions, BofA, ATT, Verizon, any number of government agencies, all banks, all of them, insurance companies (I think they are hoping you will just give up). And how many of us have spun around like whirling dervishes (I swear this was not intentional Z) trying to get a better signal as we entered our account numbers? How many. This is not a gay thing, I don't think, it is an automation thing. At the slightest difficulty in deciphering meaning from sound the software should divert you to a human being. Is that so hard to figure out?
Immigration is a hot topic out here in CA with much of the wrath against undocumented Mexican immigrants. No politician wants to touch it with a ten foot pole. Plus, the reason your piece was pulled from the front page so quickly is political. Isn't OS sponsored by AMEX? I may be wrong about that. Honestly, no one knows how the EDs work. Most of us, and I include in that group, have been blacklisted and will never be on the cover or receive an EP. Anyone who vents criticism against the higher powers on OS become non-people. All I can say is to continue writing and do what you can to hone your gift. Finally, as for 911c2, he/she/it is one of those people who takes great delight in criticizing without writing anything more than his/her/its name. I'm sure you've seen his blog and notice it's as blank as an unpainted wall. That alone speaks volumes of his 'intellect' more than the "words" he left for you.

So welcome to the ugly side of OS, Z. But we gays are a hardy group. We'll be here today, tomorrow, and for as long human society continues to exist.

Also, congratulations on the EP. You deserved it!!

;)
Z, you're right...those automated operators don't understand certain regional dialects in the U.S., much less foreigners. If anyone has grandparents from parts of Appalachia or the deep South, some of those accents can be pretty thick. I saw an article in the newspaper from Hampton Roads about how the accent there screws up the automated phone service...and that's not even that thick of an accent, we just draw out vowels and drop "l"s in the middle of words.

Keep at it, Z, because you're right. The fact is that automated phone service is poor service.
That stupid bitch. Your accent is adorable, Z. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Z my love, in answer to your question they are called trolls. They wait under a bridge and just when you go clip clap clopping over it on your way to some place fabulous they yell up at you and try to make you miserable. Unfortunately there are those who think that this land that we stole from the natives was meant by god to be lily white and capital C christian. They also think other stupid things and go out of their way to say them in the most hurtful ways. Some think it relates to their inferior penis size others attribute it to the ingestion of lead paint at their kkkristian summer camps. Either way ignore them and they'll go away.
Yump'n yimminee! I'm belly laughing so hard my laptop flew off my lap! How did you take one phone call with a computer and turn it into this comedy routine? I'm humbled! Love everything, including this delicious surprise following your fart: "My bowels have bizarre manners!!!" rrrrrrated