It was an perfect Sunday morning. I was very lazily lying around in my oversized sweatpants. I decided to do something useful and started goi ng through my mail pile.
When I saw my American Express credit card bill. perfect Sunday wasn't that perfect anymore. As if bill were not high enough, I realized there was a charge which wasn't mine. DISPUTE!!
I don't like disputes but I can't afford things I didn't even buy. There was a purchase had been made online. WTF! It was Victoria's secret. I've never bought anything from them. Last time I checked still I didn't have boobies.
I decided to call American Express. Don't you hate calling 800 numbers and talking to a recorded voice like crazy people.
It makes me so tense. I was already irritated by $258.76 extra charge. Who needs this bullshit right now!!!?? I picked my blue card from my wallet and looked up toll free number.
Why the HELL do they put "blue" there??? Can't they write simple numbers?? As if I would remember all those numbers by hearth!! As if That "blue" would make me memorize whole toll-free number. Hey Heellloo!!! I have more important things to remember in my life like hairdresser's number.
Who comes up these dummy ideas? Putting "blue" in the number doesn't make the number "special". Annoyingggg!!
Anyways! I dialed the number. Here it was one of those nice lady voices. I hated her voice already Her voice was so impeccable, joyful, gleeful.
I feel like saying " Lady! What kind of drug are you on?? I mean! Won't get ever depressed or tired?" ( Yuck! Too much happiness gives me nausea.)
She said " Hello from American Express!" My inner voice said " Hello Bitch! I'm here to dispute! Stop trying to get me soft!"
She continued " To better service , please say or enter 15 digits account number"
OK! Will do! I said " V-one, Sewiin, Seroo,Toowo, Treee, Toowuu, Fiiwee...." Gee!
She immediately got bitchy " Sorry! I didn't get that!!""
My inner voice!" WHAAAAT!!! Hello Lady! I'm from Turkey! Sure I have an accent! Sorriiyyy!!"
I repeated " V-one, Sewiin, Seroo,Toowo, Treee, Toowuu, Fiiwee...."
She said harshly " SORRY! I didn't get that! Please enter 15 digits account number"
My inner voice " Don't get pissy with me!! It is not my fault you speak first time with a Turkish person! Bossy BITCH! My accent is adorable! At least my boyfriend says so!!"
Unwillingly I entered DAMN number!!
She said " Please enter your personal security number" OH MY FASHION GOD! Shit! I don't remember that!!!
She immediately said "First four digit of you mother's maiden name"
Ohhh! She tries to make it up with me! She plays helpful! OKeeey! "
I entered the number. You can imagine my frustration at that point.
She started talking again " For information like balance,payment say Account summary"
I mumbled " Acoint Summrie!" She responded " OK! I didn't get that! Please say again!"
Aaaaww! Bitch! I'm tense here! Work with me!..
I repeated " Acoint Summrie!" She advised " OK! I didn't get that!"
Because you are dummy! You don't even get my accent!! She continued talking " Please say Payment or Balance summary or Pay by phone"
Awww! I'm loosing here. I said " Awrightt! Awrightww! Ugghh! Paiwment!"
Whore responded again " OK! I didn't get that!"
Cum on! Are you anti immigrant or MORON! I screamed " Paiwment! Paiwment! Paiwment!"
OMG! I was about to cry! And All of a sudden I farted!! It was loud, long & big. Have I ever mentioned I fart when I get tense. I know!!! My bowels have bizarre manners!!! I got angry because she made me fart.
I yelled "Luuk ! Waaat you did! You made me farrttt!"
She responded harshly " OK! I didn't get that! Please say again!"
WTF!!!! I said " Helluuu!! Is there aniboiiwy? Helluuu!
She impatiently said " OK! Please say representative!!"
OH MY GREY GOOSE GOD! Thank YOU! I happily said " Ripre-sensitive!"
She said " OK! I didn't get that! Please say again!"
I was screaming!!!" YOU!! MOTHER FUC... BLEEEP!!!! This is discrimination!!! So stupid! Can't you understand a foreigner!!!
I mean my accent is easy to understand. Not like I'm Chinese!!!"
Bitch responded " " OK! I didn't get that! Please say again!"
Whaaaat!!! I hung up!!! I needed a drink even though it was 11 am!!
Well! That's why MY ALCOHOL GOD created champagne!!!
Click here to read " We ALL need vicodin!!!"
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