Seriously!! Can you honestly pee from your back door? I could! -- I did!
Last couple of days that I have been peeing from my back exit! NO! I'm NOT kidding!
Stop saying eeewww! Hear me out! That might be very valuable information for you!
I don't know why I decided go on cleansing diet nine days ago. The famous diet Beyonce had done. Basically diet requires drinking a concoction made of fresh lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper.
Not that I had a lot fat to loose but my energy level had been so low recently. I guess all those mimosa breakfasts, bloody marry lunches and pinot grigio dinners through out the summer had my liver exhausted. Honestly! When the weather gets nice and sunny, I get so thirsty. Aren't we all like this every summer?
I remember one morning I peed literally vodka soda. Worst! I wanted to drink my pee. I realized I was NOT on a good path. I had to clean my inside. I needed to flush all left over alcohol out.
Last Tuesday I started my cleansing diet. First thing in the morning I pooped big one. Thanks to herbal laxative I had had before going bed. That was a big one considering I had been constipated. I already LOVED the diet!!!!
I had my first lemon-maple drink and ran to work. I felt great. I wasn't hungry at all. By 11 am I got the first hunger attack. OH GOD! It was painful. I had another dose of lemon-maple drink. It didn't even help. I was literally hallucinating. One of my co-worker said I wasn't drinking enough concoction. I doubled up maple syrup and more cayenne pepper for extra kick. I got nausea. Too much sugar!!!
I mean I was so used to drinking sugary drinks like cosmopolitan or margarita. Clearly lack of vodka made my stomach upside down!! I was so worried that how I could finish this diet. I couldn't stop doing it at the first day. I had told everyone I knew about the diet!! I wasn't a quitter!!! Wait a minute! Didn't I quit eating and alcohol this morning!!! I was confused! NOOO! I was f-ing hungry!!
Following morning I woke up feeling like a shit. Forget about gym I didn't even want to leave the bed. I had to use my will power to jump out of bed. I meant I crawled out of the bed. I had that concoction again. It tasted bad ass!! Yuuuckkkiiee!
At work I was kinda OK except my brain was constantly twirling. Noises were coming out of my stomach. I was craving cereal. Weird! I don't even like cereal. AAHHH! I could kill for a bowl of special K!!! Instead!!! I sucked down the lemonade like a baby with no choice.
After work I slowly walked home. I was exhausted. I passed out my tongue sticking out on my bed. According to my husband I was drooling as well.-- Embarrassing!!
Third morning I had my herbal laxative tea along with disgusting lemonade. After 20 minutes I pooped big ONE. Amazing! I still could poop solid even though I had not eaten solids for two days. OH GOD! I missed BITING!!!!!
Third day was easier than previous days. At Least I didn't doze off at my desk. Magically I went to bed consciously. OH! Before I went to bed, I pooped again. Where were all those shits coming from????
Fourth morning I woke up and I realized I overslept. I panicked!! I yelled to my husband "Brian! Brain! Why didn't you get me up? I'm late!!"
I looked down I saw broken alarm clock. WTF?? What happened last nite? My husband said I woke up with alarm and went to kitchen. I had the lemonade and came back to bed. Alarm went off again. I threw away the alarm clock and slept again. JESUS! Finally I was loosing it.
Meantime my tongue was feeling bizarre. It felt like I had used sponge in my mouth. It was swollen. I look at the mirror. It was cracked and white. What was wrong with me???
I was afraid I was going to get holes on my tongue. At night I woke up with severe pain on my tongue. Sudden cramps hit my stomach. I rushed to the bathroom.
YEAH! That was the moment I peed from my ass. It was a rare, magical moment. My pee was brown, strong and noisy. You have no idea how much I shit!!! Let's say! It was like Niagara fall but in dark brown color! Plus! My butt was hurting! Well! All those cayenne pepper I consumed was coming out of me !!! AAAAHHH!!!
YEAH! That was the moment I peed from my ass. It was a rare, magical moment. My pee was brown, strong and noisy. You have no idea how much I shit!!! Let's say! It was like Niagara fall but in dark brown color! Plus! My butt was hurting! Well! All those cayenne pepper I consumed was coming out of me !!! AAAAHHH!!!
Fifth morning I woke up energetic! I told my husband "OMG! I had a severe diarrhea. I was up ALL nite"
He said "OH! I didn't realize"
"Because you don't care about me!!! _:(:(:("
I snapped at him for no reason.OMG! This diet was making me crazy!! I touched my stomach. It was sooo flat. I decided I'd rather to have flat stomach than to have my sanity.
I know I gross you out but I peed from my back door through out the day. I moaned a lot in the bathroom.WHY?? ---Heeellloo! Cayenne pepper!!!
I passed out on the couch at night (drooling on one of my favorite pillows)
Sixth day I woke up feeling AMAZING. At noon I crashed. I was feeling awful. I decided to go off diet. I was starving!!! I ate an apple like a vampire. (True Apple) It tasted so good!! I couldn't stop eating! I gulped down two breakfast bars. I WAS HUNGRY!!! DON'T JUDGE ME!!
Clearly!!! My diet was OVER!
Beside my sore ass I weigh seven pounds less. My energy level is very high. I found out about my rare talented. (peeing from my back door) I guess this diet was a SUCCESS!!!! Don't you think?
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Joan Wilder
gail maria
David Dean Bottrell
Steve Katz
Dear reader I married him
kipouros
Salon.com
Comments
Yeah, Mr. Cayenne Pepper is a bad friend indeed!! :D
I use to get the 'Pees' from the back end after eating at the employee dining room of my previous employer, oh good times, lost some poundage as well!!! EEK!! :D
Colon clense is a rip off, just another feel good snake oil solution.