Alpine, California, United States
December 07
I am here in cyberspace trying to understand the true nature of reality. My artwork can be seen in the blog link below.!home/mainPage


Zanelle's Links

MARCH 10, 2011 9:30PM

Tapping Into My Father's Spirit

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  dad blue


I am my mother and my father.  Today I tried to remember that part of me that is from my father.  His spirit calmed me and guided me to a place where I could feel loved.  He was so handsome and quiet,  loving my mother and yet remembering who he was away from her too. My favorite memory is of me sitting on his lap while he drew picture stories of stick people who came onto the page and cut down little trees to build bridges over rivers and eventually little towns.

  My mother dressed him in leisure suits and cut his toast into nine tiny squares each morning.  She babied him just like she did her boyfriend after he died.  He adored her for her beauty and was happy to go along with what she believed.  She thought that he needed her guidance and control.  When he had dementia at the end she mothered him until he died.

 His green bedroom eyes and dark brows were intense.  I look more like him than my mom with her sharp features and painted on eyebrows.    My mom said he was moody.  He would pull away from us when she was at her worst and retire to the den. When he came back from the war he would wake up at night and move the furniture around so big ships could pass through.  I remember him waking up yelling.  He had built bridges for the troops and then turned around and blew them up.  He was a SeaBee.

    Once he threw out all the food in the house.  He was tired of me over eating and my mom was back at her childhood home dealing with her sick father.  He very quietly put all the food, even the spices, in the trash can.  I guess he thought that would be the end of my bingeing and purging.  He was wrong.   He was moody and quiet but I forgave him all that.  He did lots of things to make my mother happy but she was never really satisfied with either of us.

    He was a civil engineer and we would mix cement and pour concrete in the backyard to make patios, steps and flower beds.  He loved to build.  We brought him up to our house as we were building it in Alaska but his dementia was kicking in and he couldn't help. I wish he was still here helping me but he has been gone over ten years now.  

  My mother got a new boyfriend after he died.  All the old men were lined up trying to date her but this one had five hundred dollars in his pocket when they went to dinner.  They were together for about four hellish years.   The first year was so fun as she said she had the time and he had the money but then he had a stroke and lost his short term memory.  I think she liked this fellow more than my introspective dad.  

  As I take care of my mom in her 93rd year we both think of dad in our times of need and sorrow.  I once asked her who she wanted to see when she died, her boyfriend or my Dad.  She didn't like that question.  I really think this life has a spiritual side and that there is more going on here than we can see.  My dad's spirit comforted me today as never before and I appreciated that.  Maybe it is just his memory that gives me peace but whatever it is I count it as very real and a blessing to carry him around with me as I go about my day trying to figure out who I am and what I hold dear.

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A very special set of memories!!!
Zanelle: A very brave post and I cannot believe he threw all the food out.
rated with hugs
Fathers have an ineffable hold over daughters, this is clear. Bless you for considering it with such candor. :)
Beautiful. Thank you.
Thanks Satori, I think memories are so important and I'm amazed at how they change as time goes by.

Linda, Yes, that is one memory that is painful but it is interesting that I have no anger about that day. I think he was just trying to make my mother happy by getting me to think thin.

Susan, Yes, fathers are the first love of a daughter. I'm so lucky he was dreamy.
Fathers and their girls. Mysterious, and sometimes beautiful, but mostly just the stuff of life...and death. I like the way you've shared your stuff, Z.
Tim4change I like that you thought it was beautiful. I am trying to think if I have left anything out. He was dominated by my mother and it was difficult to get to him through her nets. But in spite of his moody quiet I feel close to him. He often said that if he had to choose a religion he would be a Buddhist. I loved his calm.

Gabby Abby - The stuff of death. When I look back at my life I see him there and know he was important. Since he was so quiet I have to fill in lots of blanks. I really feel he is looking out for me and mom. When I get lost I find I go to thoughts of him. I never realized how important it is to have just one person in the world who you feel love for and who loved you unconditionally. I wish he was still here now but maybe being free out there in spirit land he is more help to me than he could be if he were still alive and under my mother's influence.
Oh sweet heart, another side of you. I'm glad you love your mom and dad so much, I'm sorry your mom wasn't satisfied with herself or anyone. I've been like that too, like your mom and your dad, and my folks. I think you're not alone here. I'm sad he had such hard times and it made it hard to communicate.

You're right, I think there's more going on than we see, I don't understand it but I think it's okay not to. I guess when we think about people with love in us then they send us what we need, I think the love is the bridge. That's how I pray, I just look at someones name or think about some little thing about them, then I think about how I love them and want them to be okay. That's it in a nutshell.

Kinda like you really needed your dad and thought about loving him, I think that's the bridge, the love you felt in you and he heard it. I read somewhere scientists can measure love now and it has a very high vibration, powerful energy. Tee hee, zanelle the generator... zzzzip zzzzap
I like that idea of a bridge of energy. Sparking thru the universe. You sure send me out into the stars, Bleue. Thanks for that!!!
Beautiful piece. I love your last sentence - so true! That really spoke to me today. Thank you for sharing this, for letting me know, and for reading about my dad, too.