The grieving process is an interesting journey. My friend was an alcoholic so there is a certain relief in his death but for the most part I feel sad that he is gone. I wailed and cried for the first few days that he was put into ICU but then my daughter came to be with me and I calmed down just as it says in the seven stages of grief. Of course I can exist as an independent person. Sure.....
Much of the grieving has to do with reliving what happened. Any traumatic event has parts that need to be acknowledged. I went thru the car accicent in my mind and told the story to myself and others many times. It is like proof reading a post, soothing and clarifying. I was surprised that I left out the part where I had to go downtown and bail him out of jail. The mind plays tricks.
I miss being part of a couple. He had things he did and I had my strengths. We cared for each other. Most of all I miss the fun and company. Now that I face living alone again it is a little scary. I could just ask him how to spell any word for my posts and he knew. He loved to read what I wrote and he was so proud of me.
This last year he has been sick. Respiratory sickness and diabetes etc etc. exacerbated by alcohol in spurts. He had no energy. As part of a couple sometimes one has to be the caregiver and it sucks but I am very good at that. He didn't have anyone else. There were times I wanted to leave and now that I am free and have my life back I know what a responsibility that is. I just have to take care of myself and the good news is that I can do that. It is called a budget. There is always hope....
There are ex boyfriends nearby who I know can help me. I find I am feeling like my mother who says "No more old men, they get sick and you have to take care of them." But I won't admit to that. I like old men. I like people in my life. Sure they are trouble with a capital
T. But everyone dies.
So, I'm going to change my profile picture and get on with my life. I'm going to pay the bills and I am going to survive like this Jacaranda tree.