zanelle

zanelle
Location
Alpine, California, United States
Birthday
December 07
Bio
I am here in cyberspace trying to understand the true nature of reality. My artwork can be seen in the blog link below. http://suzannesmith0.wix.com/stucco-by-zanelle#!home/mainPage

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MAY 29, 2011 8:34AM

Good News....I don't have to be part of a couple.

Rate: 25 Flag

                       113_crop

  The grieving process is an interesting journey.  My friend was an alcoholic so there is a certain relief in his death but for the most part I feel sad that he is gone.  I wailed and cried for the first few days that he was put into ICU but then my daughter came to be with me and I calmed down just as it says in the seven stages of grief. Of course I can exist as an independent person.  Sure.....

  Much of the grieving has to do with reliving what happened.  Any traumatic event has parts that need to be acknowledged.  I went thru the car accicent in my mind and told the story to myself and others many times. It is like proof reading a post, soothing and clarifying.  I was surprised that I left out the part where I had to go downtown and bail him out of jail.  The mind plays tricks.

 I miss being part of a couple.  He had things he did and I had my strengths.  We cared for each other.  Most of all I miss the fun and company.  Now that I face living alone again it is a little scary. I could just ask him how to spell any word for my posts and he knew.  He loved to read what I wrote and he was so proud of me.

  This last year he has been sick.  Respiratory sickness and diabetes etc etc.  exacerbated by alcohol in spurts.  He had no energy. As part of a couple sometimes one has to be the caregiver and it sucks but I am very good at that.  He didn't have anyone else.  There were times I wanted to leave and now that I am free and have my life back I know what a responsibility that is.  I just have to take care of myself and the good news is that I can do that.  It is called a budget.  There is always hope....

  There are ex boyfriends nearby who I know can help me.  I find I am feeling like my mother who says "No more old men, they get sick and you have to take care of them."  But I won't admit to that.  I like old men.  I like people in my life.  Sure they are trouble with a capital
T.  But everyone dies. 

  So, I'm going to change my profile picture and get on with my life.  I'm going to pay the bills and I am going to survive like this Jacaranda tree.

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You sound great. For the past 5 years I have been in the position you were. Starting with the breast cancer and through other various ailments, I have been the caregiver pretty much. Not that I mind, I don't. I love her and will always do it. I'm glad to see your new avatar and the great pics of the Jacaranda trees!
Life changes all the time but death changes everything.

They don't tell you that in Grief School, but you are going to pass the test.
I am so sorry, Zanelle. I really am not here much any more..and even that will probably lessen, but I do come and read, and I am so glad I did not t miss this. You DO have your life..and there's much left to live for and do! Hugs!!!!
Scanner.. Taking care of someone is an honor. Especially if they are kind to you in return. I don't regret it. You are in the right place now.

Jane...I wonder what will grow. I feel changed a little but not too much.

mhold Death changes everything. That is so true. But Im getting used to it.

Hi Satori... I miss you here in OS. But there is a big world of life out there beyond these words. Lot's to do and be but also just to be at peace and take care of business is enough.
So wise and true, it hurts but you keep walking and doing the next indicated thing. Love the jacarandas, thank you for sharing the beauty. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. It is good to read of how you are grieving. Looking inward for your own reserves of strength. Beautiful reflection and lovely photos of the Jacaranda tree, I have always been fascinated by this tree and its beauty and its name.
rated with love
Pretty tree. Pretty avatar. Pretty darned good outlook. Meilleurs vœux!
there is life left and it is how you deal with it that counts..
I am so sad for your loss but I know you will survive.
HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
I'm happy to hear it Zanelle. Great new aavitar too.
ah brave one.. I smile with you in your photo. Yes, you will survive and yes old men are trouble with a capitol T but where would old woman be without them around us once in awhile? keep on keeping on.
The jacarandas in my neighborhood remind me, yearly, of Life's continual renewal. You too shall bloom again, Zanelle.
When you are in this place mentally, you are in a good place indeed!
your perspective throughout this ordeal has been remarkable

wishing you all the best.....
This is a post filled with hope and light. I've never seen a jacaranda tree before, it's beautiful. A good symbol. All the best to you, Zanelle.
Good for you. I know from experience that this is hard but you will survive. You have no other alternative. -R-
I am inspired by your positive energy. I have no such serious trials to endure and yet I am constantly complaining about my life. Thank you for sharing.
Like the tree you will survive wondrously...amid any wind that blows. Peace to you...and love. r
wishing you well Zanelle
No, you do not. I am here to tell you that as forcefully as possible. You do not have to be half of a couple.

But judging by this wonderfully written piece, you do not need me. And wonderful choice of tree for the metaphor of it.
I envy you in a way I hope you understand. Knowing I helped you to talk about your life makes me feel like I am right to write what I do.
Enjoy your freedom and when I am free we MUST meet I want that hug! I love that you changed your picture to show the new life you have laid out in front of you.
"So, I'm going to change my profile picture and get on with my life. I'm going to pay the bills and I am going to survive like this Jacaranda tree."

That phrase should be carved on the headboard of Open Salon. You go, girl. You deserve this. Hugs.
What an excellent attitude, zanelle...although I am clearly behind here and must back read to catch up.
So sorry to hear he has died. I hope he is at peace now.
Okay, I've gone back and read them all....
What an intense few weeks!
The tree photos are lovely.
I thought Peter's face lovely as well, the smiles on both of your faces at the beach there...
I'm so sorry alcoholism dimmed his spirit to the point of crushing...Earth is a tough journey for some. He was SO lucky to have you.
I have a feeling you are a blessing to any you meet. : )
I just got caught up with your posts from the last week. You have been through a lot and seem to be handling it with such grace and positive energy. Thank you for having the strength to share with us. Know we are all here wishing you happiness.
...maybe it was at the pool, not the beach...anyway, I remember your smiles. God, I miss the guy after reading these...funny how seeing a face makes it all real.