My mom's neighbor had a fall, broke his hip and now can't walk anymore.  He is doing physical therapy but it doesn't look good.  That is my mom's fear, that she will become incapacitated.  The horror of it!  And that makes me mad.  Every time she goes on about how lucky she is in comparison to someone in a wheelchair or who has lost their mind, or lost their money she seems sanctimonious to me.

    Hypocritical.  She seems to care for others but the pity just drips out of her and the pride in how much better she is doing than the rest of the sorry human race shows through.  I told her that it is not the worst thing to happen if you can't walk, or talk or eat or do all the other things people seem to think are so important.   

   "Oh I don't worry about it."  That is what she always says when I call her on something.  "I don't dwell on it."  But she is always on the look out for people in dire straits and this morning when we went thru all her medical tests at the hospital she had ample opportunity to see herself in a shining light.  Except that she couldn't walk.  

   Her legs are giving out and so is her back.  She had a back x ray today and a circulation test.  We had to get a wheel chair to get to the cafetaria and back.  She accepted the help willingly.  Pain is humbling and so is hunger.

  I showed her the magazine article about Meredith Vieira who quit Good Morning America to help her husband who has a chronic condition that has him in a wheelchair now.  The article told about how they were finding joy in life in spite of the hardships. Meredith said she told her husband that angry outbursts of self pity don't help him or their family.  My mom took one look at the picture on the cover and said,

"Money helps."

  Sigh.  I gave a big sigh.  She heard me.  She knows this is a sore spot with me.  Will she ever understand that it is not about money?  You will have pain, heartache and chronic conditions.  You will need a little help.  All of the money in the world is not worth one daughter who stays by your side thru thick and thin.  Maybe she is learning that but I think she still thinks I stay here because she has a little money.  Maybe I do.

   I thought of Maria Shriver who told of taking care of her mother thru her death with Alzheimers.  That high powered lady had an incredible life but it was in her helpless condition that Maria said she was able to hug her and be close to her like no other time in their lives.

   I hope my mother does not become disabled.  I tell her all the time that we can handle whatever comes our way.  When we were in the jacuzzi yesterday we saw the Life Care Van pull up to the house across the street and collect all the medical equipment there.  The lady must have died or gone to a nursing home.  There was a hospital bed, a wheelchair and a pulley that hoists a bedridden patient in and out of bed.  It is something both my mom and I know lots about.  I know too much.

   People moan and wail about death and dis - ease.  I think we have our lives end in this way for a reason.  Even if you are a monk who dies sitting up in a meditative posture you are still experiencing a very human transition that we ALL must go thru.  We dissolve.  We can either do it joyfully or get angry.  My mom said, " It is easy to say until it happens to you."   

   Very true.  But I will always remember standing on the wide steps of a temple in New Delhi, India.  An older woman was helping her husband crawl up the steps.  They were all alone and the steps were very steep.  They had an almost holy feeling about them.  There was nothing I could do and I just wished them well.  I think we gave them some money.  I hope so.