I liked his connection to Hawaii.  He had a life that looked interesting to me and when we met at the mall on a beautiful fall day we had a nice chat.  He held my hand for awhile and at the end it looked like he might kiss me but decided not to.

  I wrote to him inviting him to come over and fix my electrical outlets.  He came and did a very good job.  I was very grateful that he may have even saved my life fixing some faulty wiring and I learned so much from his visit.  We took a ride to the hardware store and I had him park where we could walk through a little garden to get there.

  It would have been a perfect place for a hug at the top of the little bridge across a crystal clear stream.  His mild mannar made me hesitate and I knew he was under lots of stress at his home taking care of grandkids and dealing with family stuff.  Not easy.  But I thought he liked me.

   When he had fixed the outlet and given me advice on the broken dryer and the defunct electric blanket we were done.  I offered to buy him lunch but he opted to leave.  There were a few hugs and I kissed his neck but he wouldn't engage and got out of the door as best he could.  There was one sentence he said that I remember.

   "I often push away the very people who could help me."   I knew he was pushing me away.  As the days went by and I didn't hear from him again I knew I had been rejected.  It was fine with me.  At least he didn't sleep with me and then not respond.  He just wanted to fade away and I will let him go gently into that good night.

   He had a comb over!  I can consider myself lucky that we didn't click.  I think it had to do with my weight.  He loves to run and takes great care in keeping fit.  I do not.  It makes me sad that I was rejected because I eat too much.  There is a part of me that wants to take this as a starting point to care for myself better.

  There is another part of me that just wants to find a fellow who likes me just the way I am.  I will have to balance this fellow out with someone who adores a big beautiful woman.  I just have to keep looking.  I won't give up as I know there is someone and possibly more than one someone.  Meanwhile I wish I could try to eat better but I just seem to be stuffing it in even more fiercely.  Looking for love in all the wrong places and not finding it.