I liked his connection to Hawaii. He had a life that looked interesting to me and when we met at the mall on a beautiful fall day we had a nice chat. He held my hand for awhile and at the end it looked like he might kiss me but decided not to.
I wrote to him inviting him to come over and fix my electrical outlets. He came and did a very good job. I was very grateful that he may have even saved my life fixing some faulty wiring and I learned so much from his visit. We took a ride to the hardware store and I had him park where we could walk through a little garden to get there.
It would have been a perfect place for a hug at the top of the little bridge across a crystal clear stream. His mild mannar made me hesitate and I knew he was under lots of stress at his home taking care of grandkids and dealing with family stuff. Not easy. But I thought he liked me.
When he had fixed the outlet and given me advice on the broken dryer and the defunct electric blanket we were done. I offered to buy him lunch but he opted to leave. There were a few hugs and I kissed his neck but he wouldn't engage and got out of the door as best he could. There was one sentence he said that I remember.
"I often push away the very people who could help me." I knew he was pushing me away. As the days went by and I didn't hear from him again I knew I had been rejected. It was fine with me. At least he didn't sleep with me and then not respond. He just wanted to fade away and I will let him go gently into that good night.
He had a comb over! I can consider myself lucky that we didn't click. I think it had to do with my weight. He loves to run and takes great care in keeping fit. I do not. It makes me sad that I was rejected because I eat too much. There is a part of me that wants to take this as a starting point to care for myself better.
There is another part of me that just wants to find a fellow who likes me just the way I am. I will have to balance this fellow out with someone who adores a big beautiful woman. I just have to keep looking. I won't give up as I know there is someone and possibly more than one someone. Meanwhile I wish I could try to eat better but I just seem to be stuffing it in even more fiercely. Looking for love in all the wrong places and not finding it.