The following was actually written the first week of May of this year on another blog I had started but did not continue.  I decided to take the leap and move that sole post to here.  I didn't do it before because I was still not really ready to share these thoughts.  My other blog was not publicized and therefore any readers it may have had, I was not aware of, and I liked it that way.  It was still too private.  So, deep breath, JUMP!

Friday, May 08, 2009

I am at a crossroads in my life. We all have them. Usually more than once. I can see very clearly which road I want to take. It leads me to that confident, sexy, vivacious, funny, bright person that I see in my head and that wants to come out and play now. It's not a smooth road and there is a LOT of work to be done, but it WILL be done!

This past week has been a tough one for me because my emotions are right there at the surface. I've come to recognize, just today, what a main trigger seems to be for me, and one reason why. So to move on from here I should tell you a little bit about me. About 10 years ago I had Bells Palsy. If you don't know what that is, see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bell%27s_palsy. Basically it affects a facial nerve causing facial paralysis on the affected side, in my case, the left side. At it's worst it looks like phantom of the opera - like your face is melting on that side. Not a pretty picture. It didn't keep me home, I still went to work, shopping, etc. I "braved" it out. Toughed it out. I thought I handled it well. For most people with this affliction, it goes away within a couple of weeks and eventually there is no trace left that it ever was. In my case, the worst was over after 2 or 3 weeks but the residual effects of the paralysis linger to this day. The left side of my face still sags a bit and how much varies from day to day and when I get tired it sags a little more. It makes my smile forever lop-sided and makes me self-conscious because I can feel it not moving as it should. So I am always aware of it.

Still, as I said I thought I had handled it well - emotionally and every other way. Today, I came to see that how I handled it was to build a shell around myself without even knowing I was doing it. I toughed it out by toughening my skin to any insult, real or perceived, flung at me. Now, let me say this. I am not ugly. I know I'm not. I'm no cover girl, but I am not ugly. I thought I had that down. Apparently, somewhere inside my brain, I haven't been convinced of that and there is that little girl hiding from the world because she knows she is painful to look at. How did I not see her all these years?

I figured this all out after talking with one of my 3 best friends, about my current pic on my Facebook profile. It's me, but in an abstract so to speak.

BFF says: "Interesting pic you put there. You really don't like pictures of you, do you?"

Me: "no".

Innocent exchange, yes? Not now, not for me, not at this time. I was soon in tears (again), though he didn't know that since we were chatting via IM, not in person. All those feelings of ugliness just came pouring out. WOW! Where did that come from? I never realized how deeply it did affect me and my self image! It's all out there now though! Who would think that 10 years later some silly thing would break open the shell you worked so hard to make and maintain!

I'm glad to finally have all this pain come pouring out! It was hard but now it's out and I can look at it and I can put it through The Work (thank you Byron Katie and another best friend). So this is long enough for one post and I'll expand and move on tomorrow.