I was baptized Roman Catholic, but like everything else in my life I didn’t follow through and get certified or whatever.  But I have to say religion has definitely influenced me. For instance, whenever I’m in a bind, I always pray to the Virgin Mary.

 She was one slick bitch. 

She’s this little cutie. 14 years old and in her prime. She’s dating this guy Joe, who is totally awesome. He’s stable, has a good job as a carpenter, loves her, wants to marry her. So Mary’s like sure whatever, but in the back of her head, she’s like… “There’s just one more thing.”  Ezhabarhi, a hottie Chariot Driver, who’s training to become an Archer. The one last fling she needs before getting hitched.

So she fucks Ezhabrhi and gets knocked up. Back then, no options… no plan B pill… no pro-choice. Your choice was on your back or squatting in a yam field. So anyway, Mary… this crafty little slut, she convinces everyone that she is a virgin and is actually carrying the child of God.

Now pass the fucking pickles?

I really wish I could have seen that moment. How in denial were the people around her. Then she and Joe have to pay taxes, she stops and knows she will give birth. No room at the inn, blah blah, blah.

Meanwhile, there are these three “wisemen” who have been traveling for way too long. They are sent on some impossible task by their crazy, demanding boss. They are following some star. No idea where they are going. Then they find this scene. These young folk in a barn, with a newborn baby. And when they see what’s up, Joe tells them that the baby is the Son of God. He has to, they are not married yet and he felt really guilty that this kid was born a bastard.  He knows he’s getting shit later from Mary for insisting on a Spring wedding. 

Anyways, the wisemen hear this story and two of them are like “perfect, that’s it. Done and done. Now lets drop off the stuff and split. I mean, it’s Christmas Eve. I want to go home.” But they have to work a little on the third guy. He kisses the bosses ass all the time and thinks approval and praise are very important. So they play along, and everyone just perpetuates this lie until… well you know what ends up happening. If not, check back in April.

 So that is that. Imagine how different the world would be if everyone knew the truth. And it’s crazy because Ezhabrhi knew all about it the whole time and never said a word. I mean, he never even made it into the Bible or anything.