ZTN Disclaimer: Doc Clive is illegitimate and dangerous but he’s the only bat-shit crazy-ass scientist we’ve found willing to write for free. Consider yourself warned/lucky. 

Hello and greetings! Let's get straight to the science. 

Today’s hypothesis: AIDS is a social nuisance.

Not long ago syphilis and smallpox were common household names that invoked fear and anger and ultimately resulted in gruesome death. But today, through the miracle of modern science and good old-fashioned scientific experimentation we’ve damn near eradicated both of these ”awkward diseases.”

I postulate that soon AIDS and HIV will mean nothing more than an awkward visit to your family physician.

Does the American Indian still worry about smallpox? Did I successfully diagnose and then treat myself for syphilis in Thailand last Christmas? Neither of these questions is relevant but ask yourself: Am I prepared for a future devoid of life threatening viruses?

Of course you are! And I’m on top of it. In fact, as you read this, I have in my laboratory seven tubs of oysters and every one of them is infected with the most gruesome case of herpes you’ve ever (never?) seen. My assistant, Petri, assisted in the collection/insemination process...

Our clams have herpes:

A new strain named Ostreid herpesvirus 1 (OsHV-1) and oh is it a sneaky virus - remains dormant until water temperatures exceed sixty-one degrees. Also, it prefers European clams, which means it’s probably American.

But luckily my very latest invention cares little about political boundaries. For I have at long last, created an amazing EASY-FREEZE DEEP-FREEZER RAY-GUN LASER-COOLER, it's not battery powered.

The point here is I'm about to irradiate and then eradicate these clams and their nasty bulbous clingers. And I'm sure that this same spirit of scientific ingenuity, exploration and camaraderie will manifest itself at some point along the AIDS/HIV research timeline and one day prom night will be no more frightening than a night spent on a real Native American Reservation. 

Oh for heaven's sake, Petri is poking the clams again. He's a violent thing Petri and mysterious. I found him in an alley behind an abortion clinic I once robbed. Damn, he nearly has his pants off. Gotta Go!

I'll be back next week with more important and astounding scientific news. Until then you can read more about oysters and their social diseases here: 

OYSTER HERPES DEATHS TIED TO GLOBAL WARMING

Till next time, love you all you little monkeys you!

Love,

Doc Clive