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Changing the soundtrack of my life

Zul

Zul
Location
California,
Bio
Cherokee, Buddhist, Lesbian, Mathematician, Artist, Mensa member IQ 158, Former Punk Rocker, Database Geek by trade, Grandmother.

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JANUARY 11, 2012 2:07PM

Butterfly tears

Rate: 10 Flag

gloaming

 

Pinned,

like a butterfly.

Affixed in place with thorax piercing pain.

Paralyzed and broken,

torn asunder,

while the warp and weft of the carved background

tattoos it's imprint on my heart.

Shivers of unrequited lust for air and light rack the slender frame.

Why didn't I die and leave a beautiful 9 year old carapace

to collapse into dust in an airless trophy space?

Or did I ?

Once someone razes your soul are you owned by them ?

Do you exist except for a lascivious slurp and a wink? Or

can you come to life much later

as a spark of color drifting in the gloaming.

Just as fragile and almost as beautiful .

 

 

What do you mean? she said…

What do you mean you feel like you've been pinned like a butterfly?

 

 

In the journey toward health I hope to reunite my mind and body. We travel around together but are wholly separate; and it seems to me that changes in my body have left me vulnerable to attack. After I brought up the  R-word with my medical counselor she asked a couple of casual sounding questions.

 Childhood sexual abuse ... Yes? And how about physical abuse? ... Yes. OK, the group meetings are not group therapy. Oh no. I wouldn't inflict on them... Don't worry.

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Comments

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I can relate.. sigh.. I am so happy to see you here.
HUGGGGGGGGGGG
I am so sorry. Your words are so powerful they brought me to tears. r
Yes, I understand, the mind separates from body to protect itself. I hope you can heal enough for them to be safe traveling together. I'm sad for you but hopeful because you haven't given up, the spark is there. I wish you peace and wholeness.
Beautiful yet so painful to read
I understand that separation so well
~R~
Hard as iron and tough to read. Juxtaposed against the backdrop of joy in reading you again. Well done.
Rated.
your poem tears right through the heart. perfectly said.
Through the pain I see your light. Hang in there and trust your healing energy. You seem far from fragile to me and with the endurance of a butterfly free.
So good to see you posting Zul, though your words were hard, your courage comes through.