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Changing the soundtrack of my life

Zul

Zul
Location
California,
Bio
Cherokee, Buddhist, Lesbian, Mathematician, Artist, Mensa member IQ 158, Former Punk Rocker, Database Geek by trade, Grandmother.

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JANUARY 29, 2012 12:47PM

The journey begins

Rate: 12 Flag

I am about to begin a journey. At the end of this journey, I hope to find myself; but not in the sixties, cliche, I -need-to-find-myself sort of way. I have spent so much of my life hiding that I no longer know  who I am.

For example, after my divorce I had a hard time  at the grocery store. I knew exactly what food to buy for my now ex-husband; and I knew what food my daughter would like, but I had no idea what food I liked. It had been so long since I had considered my own wants that I didn't feel like I had any. 

I hope to find out who I am, who I would have been if I hadn't shut myself down so long ago. I'm sure there will be lots of surprises along the way. There are lots of new survival skills I will need to learn. Duck and cover is no longer serving me.

I need to learn how to please or comfort myself without food.

-a peppermint scented bath with a good book.

- a quick workout at the gym (That one is sure a surprise)

-learning a new language (Code academy is offering a free one year course in javascript, and I'd like to add Italian later. It's great to find that I can still learn with joy and ease.)

I'm sure that there will also be some not so pleasant surprises. Part of the reason I've been hiding so long has to be that there are aspects of myself that I don't want to face.

I don't know who I'll be at the end of this journey. Through the years I worked diligently to gain skills that identified who I am. Now it feels as if I am giving up the last of them. I gave away all of my math books, so I am no longer a math scholar, I don't ride horses any more, or draw or paint or run long distance. I no longer have sex, and now I will no longer be the foodie and the cook.

I found the Never Ending Story to be an incredibly inspirational book. The moral is "Do what you wish". If you just do the things that you wish, your wishes will by definition come true.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Comments

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Damn it this touched a cord.
I’m a year and a bit into a similar journey and I’m still discovering.
It’s very hard at times but well worth the effort.
Just remember what you’ve survived and you can survive this too; wishing you well.
~R~
Welcome to the path. It does get bumpy but the trip is so worth it. Happy trails!
I will be following you soon wishing for us both that we find ourselves and happiness.
I love journeys. The gems you find among the rubble, and the exhilaration of reaching deep when you're scared to death, but determined to keep moving.
Enjoy it all, even the sucky parts.
r./
Seems I share the sentiment of others as I join you on this journey. May we all support and lend a hand with the path gets rocky.
Loved this...
Bon voyage. The journey is the best part. Don't forget to pause where you like, and linger a little while.
Here's to a great journey!
No matter where you go... there you are.
Wow. How amazing and brave. I don't know if I have this much courage, don't even know where I'd start. Good journey to you Zul, and maybe someday to me. Thank you for writing and sharing this.
Related to and appreciated. Travel well. And write about it, please.
Sometimes the hiding cloak is far too comfortable ... even when we think we have laid it down. Such courage I hear. I will be thinking of you ... as you begin ... to find ... the you ... you are ... May wishes help you find your way.