I am about to begin a journey. At the end of this journey, I hope to find myself; but not in the sixties, cliche, I -need-to-find-myself sort of way. I have spent so much of my life hiding that I no longer know who I am.
For example, after my divorce I had a hard time at the grocery store. I knew exactly what food to buy for my now ex-husband; and I knew what food my daughter would like, but I had no idea what food I liked. It had been so long since I had considered my own wants that I didn't feel like I had any.
I hope to find out who I am, who I would have been if I hadn't shut myself down so long ago. I'm sure there will be lots of surprises along the way. There are lots of new survival skills I will need to learn. Duck and cover is no longer serving me.
I need to learn how to please or comfort myself without food.
-a peppermint scented bath with a good book.
- a quick workout at the gym (That one is sure a surprise)
I'm sure that there will also be some not so pleasant surprises. Part of the reason I've been hiding so long has to be that there are aspects of myself that I don't want to face.
I don't know who I'll be at the end of this journey. Through the years I worked diligently to gain skills that identified who I am. Now it feels as if I am giving up the last of them. I gave away all of my math books, so I am no longer a math scholar, I don't ride horses any more, or draw or paint or run long distance. I no longer have sex, and now I will no longer be the foodie and the cook.
I found the Never Ending Story to be an incredibly inspirational book. The moral is "Do what you wish". If you just do the things that you wish, your wishes will by definition come true.