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Zul

Zul
Location
California,
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Cherokee, Buddhist, Lesbian, Mathematician, Artist, Mensa member IQ 158, Former Punk Rocker, Database Geek by trade, Grandmother.

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MARCH 9, 2012 3:51PM

Both of my rapists forced me to eat with them afterwards

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I had never been overweight before the nightmarish ordeal of choking down each spoonful, transfixed by the sight of livery lips slurping and  gnarled, age-spotted hands curled over the rim of the bowl. I was 9 years old. I didn’t want to eat; but as always, I didn’t have a choice.

My relationship with food has been fundamentally altered.

What am I swallowing with the food? Have I become my own tormentor? Am I forcing myself to swallow to avoid thinking? What am I afraid of seeing if I open my eyes?

 I don’t know.

My body is satiated by the powdered ersatz food, but my mind is flailing around ravenously.

I’ve lost 20 pounds in the first 3 weeks of fasting and I thought that the worst of the cravings was over. I think I am feeling the urge to self-sabotage.

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I read the post where you said you aren't eating anything for 4 months and I feel worried.

Is a doctor involved in your fast? I googled "4 month fast" just to see what results would come up and I found this...

http://ibnlive.in.com/news/swami-on-4-month-fast-to-save-ganga-dies/159054-3.html

I believe everyone has the choice to do with their life what they see fit, but I think you have a grand child, and you're brilliant and lovely....

I'm a worrier, so I had to say these things. Please take care of yourself. I'm sorry for everything you had to live through as a child .....It's incomprehensible. But take care.
Please don't do this, this way! Your body must have food to function and 4 months is way to long to go without food. Of course your hungry!!! Moderation and somehow you must change how you see food, how, who you relate food too. I so wish I could help you...
I think you need to talk to a counselor. If you ate because of the assault then you need to deal with that while you are changing the outside. I am going through it, too. I need to lose 60 pounds and get heart healthy but when I was young, thin, and hot, I got raped. How do I get thin and healthy knowing that my attractiveness, the thing that got me raped, will increase, too? At least, that's where my head is.

Good luck, sincerely.
@dolores- this is a program offered by kaiser and optifast and is closely monitored by a doctor at kaiser. Thank you so much for your kind words. I need them right now.
@ lunchlady2- You do help me. tremendously.
@Phyllis- I am so relieved that I am not the only one that feels that way. I feel like bad things happen when I am thin. I equate thin with weak and vulnerable. I am trying to retrain my mind to think thin and healthy and strong. I have been to therapy before, but never for the rape as a child and I was in therapy when I was raped as an adult. My therapist asked me what I was wearing. Thank you for your open hearted sharing.
Zul, you're welcome. You might try a group setting since you had that bad therapist. I know the Y usually has a few choices. I went to the student psychologists at the local university for several years, which is a good idea if you have one close. Thin isn't weak. Think wiry. I'm pulling for you.
Zul, you are worthy of being healthy. You are worthy of being thin, if that's going to improve your physical and mental health. You are too important to allow yourself to sabotage your objectives. Your attacks had nothing to do with your beauty; they were about the rapists' own sick issues. I know you've heard all these things, even from the moron therapist whose license should have been pulled the following hour. Please hang in there for Zul, the woman you really are inside the camouflaging fat cells.

Lezlie
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