Today is the day...

Changing the soundtrack of my life

Zul

Zul
Location
California,
Bio
Cherokee, Buddhist, Lesbian, Mathematician, Artist, Mensa member IQ 158, Former Punk Rocker, Database Geek by trade, Grandmother.

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JANUARY 8, 2014 6:04PM

Flotsam and Jetsam

Mom,

 It's hard for me to keep in mind that we are two separate people. It's difficult to remember that you are an individual human being with life and feelings beyond being my mother. I imagine you feel the same way about me.

 When IRead full post »

NOVEMBER 30, 2013 12:13PM

That is one

I love the world as it is waking up. I am under the pines drinking coffee and the loudest sound is the crunching and scraping of a squirrel enjoying its breakfast. The trees tops are so distant as to render the diner invisible to my eyes. 

The tallest treesRead full post »
NOVEMBER 21, 2013 5:13PM

Fighting for my life with the big D

I am currently in therapy for PTSD and my therapist has become concerned with the level of my  depression. She wanted me to explore medication, but I’ve had  bad experiences in the past. Also, migraines have also become chronic again, and that isn’t helping

AT ALL.Read full post »

We arrived late to the funeral and the service was about to begin. The casket was open at the front of the room and I caught a glimpse of gray hair and glasses as we were ushered to the last remaining open pew right behind the family. 

He hadRead full post »

AUGUST 28, 2013 1:20PM

I feel honored

I am honored to have squeezed her chin open and slipped the swab moistened with liquid morphine into the space between her cheek and gums.

I was thrilled to see that when I brushed my hand across her forehead and whispered my name into her ear her eyebrow lifted in… Read full post »

AUGUST 28, 2013 12:49PM

I just need to get this out

4 deaths this year including one of my best friends,

 3 more loved ones fighting their last fight;

You’d think I would feel grateful for every breath I take.

… it isn’t working out that way for me.

 Acrid thoughts slide across my raw consciousness likeRead full post »

I can imagine the cry of a seagull through the drifting darkness of a far away sunrise. I can see the glint of reflected moonlight move across whitecaps on the edge of invisibility. The pale brush of air freshened by the promise of  morning sun feels as real to me asRead full post »

AUGUST 15, 2013 2:33PM

Surfing on a Sandpaper Sea

 

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The friction of passing time tears at me.

 The wind screams through my hair, burning my eyes.

Its pressure wracks my bones and chills my heart.

Swallowing my words unspoken, I choke on their bitter taste.

 

I’m tired, and with drifting attentionRead full post »

OCTOBER 2, 2012 7:33AM

Can I anchor myself with Pinterest?

 
I’m careening sideways across the slick pavement at 60 miles an hour in the dark. At least, that it what it feels like right now.
 
I lost 45 pounds on a 4 month fast with a minimum of effort. I felt… Read full post »
JUNE 21, 2012 12:05AM

Bourbon Scented Apricot Compote

I picked a basket of Apricots from the 50 year old tree in the back yard tonight. The fruit was intensely flavored and juicy beyond reason. I thought I'd try something new.

I loved last year's kumquat compote;  whole fruit in syrup is so much more lascivious than a plain preserve… Read full post »

JUNE 15, 2012 12:23PM

Comfort

 This is Harvey's favorite place to nap. On top of the fridge.

 

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But he's always willing to pop out for a snack.
 
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or a hug.
 
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  Read full post »

 I was putting together a batch of chocolate chip cookies when I realized that I didn't have quite enough brown sugar. I added in the last of my raw sugar infused with vanilla bean and bourbon. That sugar is a little piece of heaven in your coffee.… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MAY 20, 2012 10:15PM

Reflections of a solar eclipse

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This is our feeble attempt to view the solar eclipse right after the peak moments .
 
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And then we walked into our garden to see that the every leaf on every tree was also engaged in reflecting the crescent sun.… Read full post »

 3 weeks ago we went to visit my father-in-law as usual. When we got there he was drunk, abusive, and hyper-controlling. There was blood everywhere.

He ranted about people breaking into his place and drinking his vodka. There were strange serial-killer-type printed notes to the imaginary culpriRead full post »

APRIL 30, 2012 12:34PM

Crime and Punishment

Forgiveness has been much on my mind lately.

  I want to learn to forgive in order to reduce the burden that I carry around. I tried to forgive my grandfather. I knew it would be in my own best interest. I tried getting angry. I walked through the pain.Read full post »

APRIL 29, 2012 9:45PM

Evidence of Forgiveness

Every spring the roses forgive my transgressions and neglect.

Not because I deserve forgiveness

But because the roses deserve it.

 

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 … Read full post »

APRIL 10, 2012 12:04PM

Lost in Time

I’m wandering through a fog. Spinning in inadvertent circles and  bumping up surprised into the same unknowable chunk of landscape.

  path

Tears spring up unbidden and spill onto my throat as I drive to work. No words inhabit me, only a few visuals and a gut tightening stab ofRead full post »

At 2 and a half years old, she is truly excited about the Easter bunny.
Resplendent in her Easter bonnet and dress ,she was mystified by the 5 large butterflies alight in the front garden.
 
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APRIL 1, 2012 11:20PM

The eye of the storm

I went into the garden during a break in the rain yesterday.

The light was slanting in sideways from under the storm clouds scudding across the sky, and the raindrops clinging to the leaves shivered tremulously in the breeze.

swimming

Swimming

black liriope

Black Liriope… Read full post »

MARCH 10, 2012 4:23PM

In some ways food is magical

I am proud of some aspects of my relationship with food. I know that food does not equal love. I know I don't need to identify myself  so much with these things, but I wouldn't want to lose them all.

I introduced my daughter to many wonderful exotic quisines. She hasRead full post »

 

I had never been overweight before the nightmarish ordeal of choking down each spoonful, transfixed by the sight of livery lips slurping and  gnarled, age-spotted hands curled over the rim of the bowl. I was 9 years old. I didn’t want to eat; but as always, I didn’t have aRead full post »

FEBRUARY 20, 2012 12:27PM

What am I hungry for?

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Day 6 of the fast and a few days ago my body woke up to the fact it has been a really long time since I've eaten solid food, especially since the illness added an extra 3 days of clear liquids to the front end.Read full post »

Last Friday midnight I awoke from a sound sleep and raced down the hall. Two and a half hours later I found myself curled up on the floor, unable and unwilling to lift my head. ‘How ironic, I am going to die 3 days before I begin the fast to improve… Read full post »
FEBRUARY 9, 2012 11:39AM

I was appalled… and intrigued.

I read an article about a woman who clears out everything in her refrigerator every January and starts fresh. Without even an exemption for condiments!

At first I almost panicked at the thought. I am ‘condiment girl’. That is my favorite aisle and I am always on theRead full post »

JANUARY 29, 2012 12:47PM

The journey begins

I am about to begin a journey. At the end of this journey, I hope to find myself; but not in the sixties, cliche, I -need-to-find-myself sort of way. I have spent so much of my life hiding that I no longer know  who I am.

For example, after my… Read full post »