Application For The Position Of Open Salon Editor

General Zumalicious, Pirate Woman

Sacramento, California

 • Curating Open Salon content, and helping incorporate it into Salon's overall editorial content.

Editor's picks and the home page will never be the same, I promise you! You will have people of all persuasions and from many government agencies flocking to Open Salon, where they will click on your Google ads and bring you vast revenue!

    • Working closely with Salon's engineering staff on project planning and site troubleshooting.

I have two small arms "expert" qualifications for firing the Smith and Wesson .38, from all standard military and law enforcement positions.

I certainly plan to have no trouble with shooting at motherfuckers trouble.

    • Working closely with key Salon editorial staff

As long as I don't have get dressed in outside clothes, travel to downtown Sacramento, drive up Fell Street with a manual transmission, or miss "The Young And The Restless", all systems are go! 

But those people would have to geet along with my leetle frien', Senhor Uzi, and understand the meaning of  the words, "Ummm, Ummm, Ummm!"and "Food! Drink! Now!"

    • Blogging and writing for Open Call

I could learn and get up to speed on that in less than three months  days!

Requirements:

    • 3 years experience in journalism and/or online media

My one year anniversary is on November 2, I think. But it surely feels as if I have been here for three years, so I am very qualified with the experiences!

    • Strong understanding of new media, blogging and social networks

I have social networked, blogged, and mediaed virtually daily for the past quasi three years. 

I have also matriculated, masticated, and had brandy, which has a taste that is identical to "new media", if it is not VSO.  

I am like a writer on crack writer who channels Bulwer-Lytton, himself.

Even though I am a malebean and Bulwer-Lytton was male, there is a psychic connection that I can feel in my bones. 

I even have proficiency with RSS buttons, digging and reditting. 

My religious beliefs prohibit tweeting, however. Hopefully this won't get in the way.

    • Proven writing skills

Are you mad?  My philosophy of writing was correct in that it was fine to avoid doing all of those sentence diagrammings and memorizings of the 13 parts of speech in school because I, a mere child, foresaw the obsolescence of such activities being foisted on the oppressed by The Man!

Just as never memorizing the multiplication table never impacted my ability to do advanced statistical analysis, my lack of formal literary education is no roadblock to my potential editorial excellence.

As a result, my writing has none of the archaic quality of most writers who are in my age group. 

That is what calculators, boolean logic, and spreadsheets are for!

For writing exemplars, I refer you to these exquisite renditions of writerly verbiage:

Retro Internet Crap: A Decade Of American Glory

The Flouncing Of A Legend

Jeff Goldblum Is NOT Dead

    • Strong knowledge of popular culture and an impeccable news sense

Are you nuts? Who else can write the headlines for people with ADD? Ooooohhh...shiny...be right back...

    • Excellent communication and teamwork skills

My management and leadership philosophies were formed in the cold, hard, brutal forges of strict military discipline, combined with drunken debauchery on the weekends...and during the week.

My verbal and nonverbal cues are unmistakable and clearly understood at all times... 

Excuse me....Thwaaaccck! 

Ok, now where was I?

Oh! Yes! I am expert in all forms of expressive symbolism, which is very effective in most of the settings that I find myself in.

I am also fluent in academic and corporate Bullshit terminology, Ebonics, and Pidgin Spanish.

Pay will be based in part on salary history. Location could, potentially, be just about anywhere -- but will require a topnotch Internet connection.

Pay? The editor gets paid? 

What if a "hypothetical" applicant has a lot of history, but no salary?  

What do you mean by "topnotch Internet connection"?  Comcast internet? Vonage? The Duke Bros. ISP?