TSA Swipe Search and Michelle Bachmann

I'm back and I am interviewing only the most celebrated celebrities. These are the folk who keep our minds wondering why they are famous or why they are celebrities.

Come on, you know why. They are hot, stupid, viral, powerful, and ready for prime time.

Today, we will visit again with one of my favorite celebrities: TSA Swipe Search!

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XENONLIT: Well TSA, it's been a while. Have you calmed down your wild and lusty compulsions from back in the day?

 TSA SWIPE SEARCH:  Awww, hell no, girl! I have had my hands up more vaginas and poked Tinkertink's butt so many times that I could write his blog for him! 

XENONLIT: But TSA! You were supposed to be a kinder, gentler form of Homeland Security. What happened to the nice guy who would only lay hands on a traveler if there were something hinky?

  TSA SWIPE SEARCH: Dang, girl. Do you know that everyone is a potential terrorist these days? You think that granma is too sweet and old to be a terrorist, but have you seen her when she's tryin' to get through that lunch line at the old folks home? They're animals, I tell ya!

 XENONLIT: But what about the children? Do you really need to molest little kindergarteners and toddlers? WTF? Have you no humanity?

 TSA SWIPE SEARCH: Hell no! I'm from Texas, girl. Down there, our toddlers go to the Chuck Norris school of bad kids. I had one bite my knee so deep that I had to get rabies shots and have a colonoscopy!

 XENONLIT: Dang! What did you do? Can you walk?

 TSA SWIPE SEARCH: Oh no, I didn't hurt the kid, I just gave him a copy of my Country Western CD and passed him through.

That kid had some sharp teeth. 

 Wanna see? Here, let me just get these pants down so...whoops! Guess Mr. Wigglly has a mind of his own today! ha ha!

C'mere girl! Help me with Mr Wigglly! Yee HAH! 

EDMUNDO! PLEASE SHOW TSA SWIPE SEARCH TO HIS CAR. NO NO...LET HIM TAKE CARE OF MR. WIGGLLY HIMSELF...

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 My second interview is with Michelle Bachmann. She hasn't been in the news much lately, so I tried to find out what's going on with her...

 XENONLIT:  So Rep Bachmann. What is life like now that the campaign seems to be a duke out between Romney, Gingrich and Rick "Man On Dog" Santorum?

BACHMANN: Yawnnn...smack...yeah...so WTF? You got some vodka an dose lil crab puffs?

You hear Obama singin' Al Green? It's all over...Wahhhh!  

C'mon...hurry up wi da voka! 

 XENONLIT:  Well yes, but isn't it a little early for vodka, even if it has been in the freezer all night and costs a bundle?

BACHMANN: Awww...who gi..giv...gisha sheeeiiit.

Gimmee some voka and send that man over here.

I need some lovin up in here!

 XENONLIT: Wow! You seem to be on vacation today. Anything special you're celebrating?

BACHMANN: Oh yesshhhh...who has to giva a good goldang now that the worls gonna end? Romney or Newt. Romney or NEWT.

Bassards!

Hey! 's dat Tshay Schwipe Search?  Now that guy's a good roll in the hay, if ya knowsh whad I mean!

Tshay! Come over and gimme some lovin'! The worlls gonna end now that theresh horns sounding alla over the place.... 

Lezz booger...errp...boogie! 

TSA SWIPE SEARCH: Nahh, honey, I'm fine now. Ahem...

Here, girl. Lemme give ya a ride home.

You got any country western music?

BACHMANN: Does the angelsh hasve a brassh section?   H'ep me up, darlin'!

Well, everyone, those interviews with famous celebrities went a little off the rails, but you can trust me to take care of the tough ones!

Whew!  

See you next time when I interview two more of our finest celebrities!