Good morning students! Now, as you are moderates, we will dispense with the diagnostic exam that the Leftist Math Academy is  forced to take. The Lefties who actually showed up yesterday were so high that they could not even find the test, let alone take it!

Those Lefties will be forced to work in Whole Food's markets, stacking crates of bug infested organic goodies!

Now you moderates will need a different kind of math than those incense sniffing liberals, so you can work in government.

This branch of mathematics has been called the "bad grammar of mathematics", where splitting the difference is kind of like splitting an infinitive! 

Here is the first math lesson:

Tie up, gag and blindfold 100 moderates and place them in a darkened room.

The task is to determine how many of them will vote for candidate A, how many will favor candidate B, how many will want candidate C, and how many will abstain.

The first step is to let the moderates listen to candidate A. Candidate A will state a firm position and stick to it.

Then the moderates will hear from candidate B, who will agree with Candidate A's position while licking his lips and nervously glancing at candidate C.

Candidate C will speak in direct opposition to Candidate A and B.

Candidate B will correct his position. Candidate B now agrees with some of candidate C's positions and some of candidate A's position.

At this point, remove the gags, untie and unblindfold the moderates. Feed them lunch and allow them to go home.

Mathematically, they are guaranteed cancel out each other's votes, so give the fuck up.

Now, the next lesson is a bit easier!

To calculate the most comfortable fence height that a moderate can sit on, use this formula:

If (Issue complexity x number of loud complainers) > ( Σ consequences of committing to a choice/ability to jump and run to the other side) then multiply fence height by the distance that the individual can reach when leaping to a conclusion)

This lesson teaches how to factor out weak moderates, leaving only the purest and most powerful moderates.

 Gather 1,000 moderates in a large football arena and give them good running shoes.

Apply one candidate who emits glittering generalities at a lux value of 100,000.  (make sure that the weakest moderates are not trampled as they dash toward the candidate). You may dispose of those moderates.

Apply one who will appeal to authority. (Again, make sure that no moderates are trampled as they dash toward one candidate, then the other, finally settling somewhere.) You may dispose of those moderates.

Apply one candidate who will claim to have solved the parable of the beard. Repeat the disposal of the candidates to dash in the final candidate's direction.

The remaining moderates will be the purest and most powerful moderates! You may use them in political situations where you do not want anyone to agree with anything or anyone at any time!

Now for a little pop quiz to determine if the educational outcomes have been met! 

1.  What kind of a lunch will the moderates want to eat.

A. Chicken Littles with Duck and Dodge sauce.

B. No buffet! No buffet!

C. "Oooh Shiny" Tournedos of Beef

D. Bento Boxes

2. What will the moderates do if Candidates A,B, and C agree on everything?

A. Explode.

B. Go into a foetal position and cry. 

C. Break out the sensimillia and start smoking it.

3. How many moderates does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 33.3%

B. All of them

C. None of them

Answers:

1. A  no! B  no! A

2. D or maybe C if A is no good.

3. Frank