Hey Cable TV! Since I have absolutely no standing in Hollywood, I will pitch this show to you for a cheap price!
The Housewives of Twitter will revive that sorry “Housewives” franchise and will draw a bold, new audience to your channels!
Check out the cast!
Areola Hurtmepumps: Areola is married to the top prophylactic salesman in the world. She spends her days working for charity and focusing on her appearance. Her plastic surgery bill is legendary. She fights tirelessly for gay canine marriage, children deprived of couture clothing and unisex public restrooms. Her tag line is:
“I live at the top and no one can knock me off my pedestal! That’s because I crazy glued myself to a pedestal!
Splitz McCorkle: Splitz is the granddaughter of the legendary vaudevillian-turned-television star Shecky McCorkle. She is married to Barton Switz, Hollywood producer. She just ended her tour with the Broadway mega hit “Thunderballs” and is looking for a good time. She has two children who are a real laugh factory with their antics. Her tag line is:
“My name is Splitz and I can do ‘em high, low, to the side and upside down! My Tweets are retweeted before I tweet them!”
Lisa Van Die Mier: Lisa recently divorced her third husband, Frank. Frank Van Die Mier is the powerhouse behind the controversial “Pimp My House” painting kit. Lisa has a successful line of erotic clothing called “Lick my shirt”. Her three children are rarely seen. When they are, they are quiet, nervous and apprehensive. Her tag line is:
“I am the queen of Twitter and if anyone gets on my bad side, I will gut her like a trout!”
Franquilinn Barker-Hones: Franquilinn is a tragic heroine. She has troubles in her relationship with Hollywood superstar, Martin Tudor. Unsure whether to marry him or murder him in his sleep, Franquilinn is sure to take the pathos to a new level every week.. Franklin has a teenaged son who collects crossbows and ancient instruments of torture. Her tag line is:
“I am wise beyond my years so no one can tell me anything! I am Hollywood royalty... sort of... if my boyfriend would just let me love him, I mean. Oh... and I care about my son sort of... where is he, anyway? I need to Tweet this now!”
Deborah Maybach: Deborah is the spitfire of the group. Her husband is a doting real estate mogul who showers her with money, gifts and gallons of affection. She spends her days at the gym, the shops and gala events. Deborah has two muscular daughters she affectionately refers to as Mike and Joe. Mike is an Olympic gold medalist and Joe is a supermodel. Her tag line is:
“I am the only woman in the room when I am in a room, even if there are other women in the room!”
Check out the excitement of the first Episode:
The housewives meet at “Anoxeria”, the hottest lunch spot in town. After they suck down their first Emaciated Girl™ Martinis, the drama begins.
Franquilin: I don’t know what to do! I thought my life was over when I found all of my husband’s letters to Penthouse magazine. I forgave him! But then I found out about his research projects! I thought he was spending all that time with a group called IDYSUATW, but he was doing something else! Wahhhhh!
Spliltz: What was he doing? What is that group, anyway? I never heard of it. Is it a male group? I could put on my "Splitz Special Review" for charity!
Franquilin: I caught him with the maid last night and there is no group! ISYATW means “I’ll do you standing up against the wall!” *sobs*.
Deborah: Sknorxx! Sorry! It’s just so funny... oops ... and sad for you, of course. Hey! Waiter! My face is up here! Do you believe him?
Areola: Deborah, you are thoughtless and your mother did not beat you enough! We need to talk about your talking. Let's tweet about setting up a time...
Deborah: Shut up, you old crab before I shell you and tweet your meat!
Lisa: Ladies! Ladies! We have a friend in need here! Let us forget about ourselves and give all of our attention to Franquilin, her lips and her constant troubles. Wait, you insulted me at the “Flowers For Antigua” gala, Areola. We need to talk about finding a time to talk.
Splitz: No way, Lisa. We’ll be cancelled in a week if we let Pathetica™ over there dominate the show with her hideous fake camel lips and her crazy whining. You know I get crazy. I’ll smack you with a rubber chicken right here in front of everyone!
Deborah: Shut up, Splitz! You stripped naked for tickets to a Katt Williams concert, so stop picking on Franquilin. She is suffering... again. She needs to get into a sexy outfit and mount her boyfriend like a ram.
Lisa: Yeah. Then she can stagger off to her divorce attorney!
Areola: If you mean she should get a taxidermist to stuff his head, clip his horns and nail him to the library wall, I’m with you on that idea.
Franquilin: That sounds like a plan! Let's tweet a time and place to talk about talking over that.
Oh NO! Look! It’s Hilda!
Lisa: Oh shit! Hilda!
Splitz: No! Not Hilda! Shhh!
Areola: She’s coming over! It's too late to run!
Hilda Farthinglots: Hellooo ladies! How are ya?
Franquilin: Hilda, if you don’t mind, we were talking about my problems. Splitz and Deborah need to talk to each other about talking. And Areola and Lisa need to talk about having a talk. We just don't have time to visit with you right now.
Hilda: Oh, Franquilin. Everybody knows about your husband’s research projects! You were one of them! Your back has so much plaster embedded in it, you can’t even bend over!
Lisa: Hilda! What is that around your neck? That is a huge diamond!
Hilda: Ohhh. This is my third husband, George. I had his ashes smashed until they turned into a diamond. Then I had the diamond put into a little platinum bong to symbolize his favorite hobby... see?
Lisa: Errrp! Excuse me, ladies. I’m off to the Vomitorium™! After seeing George that way, my Emaciated Girl™ magarita is repeating on me!
Next week: The Housewives of Twitter travel to Cancun for a week of sexy fun and talking in the sun!