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JANUARY 27, 2013 3:51AM

I have decided to be a content ho

Rate: 17 Flag


 I have decided to be a content ho.

Tip #1: Titilate your clients with food porn and high quality images from your own original photos! You will recieve not one penny in revenue and you will be plagiarized, but you will keep Googlepimp from knocking down your door and kicking your ass.


 Here's my test pitch and business plan. I will find a profitable corner where there are writing jobs. Then I will make my pitch.

Pssst... want some web content? I got hot, steamy, juicy content. Low, low price. Me write for you long time.  I make you read till you scream these words:

Oh baby! You give me good writing!  Oh! Oh! Ohhhhh!

Then you  roll over and suck you thumb!

I think that pitch will work, dear readers. After all, I have been giving it away for years, slogging along, writing quickies. Writing hard and getting cut off at every pass.

You think I'm playing at this? Check this out and tell me it doesn't make you hot for my juicy content.

Psst... I got Search Engine Optimization, hot steamy SEO.  I get you Googled. You just tell me what to do and I do it. Nothing too nasty for me.  I put those keywords right where they get you indexed on Google and I push 'em hard until Google blast out  a hundred dollars in adsense revenue!

Getting indexed in Google's search engine drives most of the money on the web. Writers who were making six figures at major content production sites two years ago are making pennies now.  You wonder why the Salon EPs aren't on the front page anymore? Listen to what an unnamed source we will call "Lulu" figured out:

Watch out! Googlepimp don't like us at OS and Google has eyes everywhere. Come over here and listen.  Hey! be quiet! Shhh!

Googlepimp said, "Salon... you get that Open Salon crap off your front page or I cut you! I cut you good!"


 Tip #2: Images are images! Who cares if they are relevant? If the client wants them, give them up. Let them tumble and roll, ripe and juicy to pleasure your client!



Once I had whole search results pages dedicated to me.  Now I am just a homeless writing drifter, trying to find a niche. All because of Googlepimp.

 I have decided to be a content ho because Google is a giant pimp who whacked all my paying customers down to the nub. Helium. Hub Pages. Gather.  Open Salon. Examiner. Skywriter. 

Do I need to go on? Google ran me out of business and forced me to the streets to sell quickies at low, low prices.

Here's another one. Take a deep breath and grab your junk now. 

I got a special trick. I write about stuff no one knows. I write sociology and other secret science into my stuff.  It's illegal in Washington, you know.  Washington don't want no sociology or science.  But boy, it make you come and read like there's no tomorrow!

Some clients like group writing. They are not bad clients. They just want us to bring our own audiences to their pages. Then they say they will pay us!

I do big groups, small groups and twosies. I have Twitter techniques  straight from the Karma Sutro. I do a Facebook that will make you click it hard!

Do I Stumbleupon? Hey, I stumble UPON and no one does it better! Reddit? I edit! Digg? I write you something that go up and Digg up in there until it reaches the promised land!

Sorry. I got a little excited there. But you get my gist. This is not the year of the writer and I intend to make the best I can of a bad situation.  I will be a content ho and I will pull in whatever bucks I can, writing for clients who who want their content hot, pleasurable and flexible.

Pssst... want an article on the coming Chinese diaspora? I got some red hot word spills just ready to gush all over you...

Quality content is supposed to be the name of the game if a writer wants to make big bucks these days. Bullshit. A single pothead Googlepimp code jockey  can hit the wrong key and bring a site to its knees. But if clients still believe in this fake "quality" crap, I'll give you quality that will make your eyes bug out of your head.

Hello. I am quality content. Hold on. I did not give you permission to read me yet. Now I must spank you. I must bring in Alexa to spank you hard.

Alexa:  THIS is the number one hot trending item. It will smack you into big Google indexing and profit! Be the trend! Write to the trend, you useless slag! Whap! Whack!

Google Hot Trends: Oh, shut you mouth, you Alexa! Don’t listen to her.  Here is what you must write if you want big bucks! It is so hot, I do not even need all caps!


See? Easy as pie. I will be a word ho. My stuff will trend all over the face of the web. Maybe someday, I will be a word madam, running a stable of writers who admire and love me for the good pay and regular views I bring to them!




Tip #3: Give the client something red, gleaming and juicy to suck on, then slip in some meat underneath it all.

















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I like tip no. 3
Talk about a Big O Optimzation! Made me spill!
I thought you'd figured out the mystery to being content. And a content ho at that. Wonderful food pics!
I do declare! Reading your steamy sales pitch just gave a case of the vapors, and I'm not even a Southerner. R
I heard the other day that meat is printable on the new 3D printers.
Presumably it's ground. I expect some type of optical illusion. Some type of cardboard aftertaste...
Algis! You are a content ho par excellence! That is some art!

Fernsy and Trudge: It's the year of the writer. I say let's revolt!

JP: Those printers have been around for years. I saw a deep-fried space shuttle made out of meat paste and then fried to a crispy wonder! I think it was scallops. The meat has to be a paste that can pass through the printer jet.
i seem to recall this image making the hollerith card cutters run hot back in the 'cobol is cutting edge' days.
I get Googled every day! :D
AL and Tinkertink: you know you want to be word gigolos. You have a following and a calling!
Zum, writers have always been ho's. Even Shakespeare sucked up to the "Royals." I found that second pic very sexy. What is the matter with me? R
I think I'd rather be a content ho -- accent on the second syllable. :D
Ha ha! I write these for the laughs YOU give! I'm going to get one of those cube devices so I sell my words right there on the street! Maybe at the craft fairs.