Chattanooga, Tennessee, USA
March 26
Single mom. Master's degree in Social Work. Activist, feminist, proud liberal, environmentalist, organizer and advocate for the least among us.


Zumi's Links

NOVEMBER 7, 2010 4:05AM

Why is Life So Dammed Hard?

Rate: 8 Flag

I hate to complain so much, but I really am starting to wonder WTF? I am a good person. I try very hard to be kind and caring to others. I am the person who waves you through the four way stop. I am the person that picks up other people’s road thrash. I am a Christian who prays and reads the bible. I just do not know how in the world I could try any harder.It just seems that I can’t seem to catch a break.

I won’t go into my past, but trust me a lot of it’s not pretty. And then there is the part that was beautiful and magical. It’s just been so long since anything beautiful or magical has appeared in my life.

The things that it seems that I am being punished for are some of the noblest things that I have ever done.For instance reporting my former employer for negligence and endangering the lives of children. I’ve put myself out there to fight injustice, protect children and animals. I am the person that will stand up in a crowd and speak the truth. I am the person that has no choice in these matters. If I didn’t stand up when it’s time I would probably implode. Despite all the negative consequences I would do it all again.

Compared to the majority of the world I am very blessed. I am very blessed in many ways, but I am still in so much emotional pain. A very wise woman once told me that we all feel our pain at one hundred percent. In other words comparing yourself to those even less fortunate does not negate what you are feeling.

 I feel as if I am doing a very poor job communicating right now. It seems as if I have really said nothing of substance.  I apologize. Feel free to tune out at any time. I guess this is the result of feeling so conflicted about everything. One day I vow that I will live alone and not date or seek relationships with men because I have been hurt so much. Then today I decided to try a 10 day free trial of E Harmony. I am so ambivalent about the whole thing. I am bored and lonely but my heart is really not in it.

I wonder if there is anyone that I can trust or if men will respond because I am attractive and they really are only interested in sex. Then I think God what if no one is interested. I was brutally honest about everything I submitted which is probably enough to scare the crap out of anyone.

I wish that I had a man to live with that I could make disappear at will. Today when I was out trying to construct a make shift dog house for my pets and it was hard I wished for someone stronger than me or least someone to laugh at my efforts. I have lived the majority of my life with men which really do come in handy.  It’s hard being alone and responsible for everything. If I had money I would hire a handy man and be done with it.

Money, oh my gosh, that is another source of my distress. I don’t have any. I mean any! I am unemployed and can’t find work. I barely get by selling my possessions which is especially hard since I am not used to living this way. I wouldn’t dream of spending a dime on a restaurant meal. It’s really crazy because my monthly sushi bill was what the amount of my rent is now.

I know these are hard times for a lot of people and there is nothing so special about me that I don’t deserve to suffer as much as anyone. It is just hard right now. I am hopeful that my long dry spell of bad breaks will end. It’s only been eight years, which is ridiculously long in my opinion or at least based on my personal experience.

A friend told me to think positive because that will attract positive things. I know this, thank you very much. Although it sounds easy I am just so not there.  

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This is great writing and brave sharing...
Dear Zumi....I read this post then read your bio. You seemed to be such a wonderful person. Don't let the outside world dictate what yu are inside.

stop the advance of the 451s
Zumi, Your writing is heartfelt and substancial. I really understand your cry. I have been exactly there for the last three months. It is hard to take care of yourself when the world is falling apart around you, but please do take care of yourself. My two favorite phrases: Never give up. This too shall pass. You do have so much to give, so much to offer, that the right things will come your way. I have been going through the worst depression of my life, and am beginning to come out of it. I credit it to: daily counting my blessings even when I could only feel blessed that I can walk on two feet, and breathe, praying all the time, calling friends and family daily, praying more, taking care of my body even though I didn't want to, and going out to listen to free live music every chance I got. I'm still not out of the woods. Are you familiar with the Pachamama Alliance? It is headed up by Lynn Twist. Please check them out online. They are an environmental organization that is trying to "Awaken the Dreamer," which is all of North America, before we destroy our planet. I can see you doing this. I would like to do it...take the facilitator training.

Men? Cultivate women friends. It is amazing what three strong women can do when they work together. The kind of men you want will come when you are happy and strong within yourself and you realize you don't really need them.
The very wise woman you speak of is very very right.
Even though others may hurt more, your pain is still not to be minimalized or marginized. Every bump that happens in the road you will feel.

I apologize for always asking even more of you, but this emotional pain you speak of....what is it at the core?
Is it about injustice? Is it about lonely? Is is something else entirely?
Understanding why we feel the ways we do seems so helpful to me. Perhaps it will to you too?

As for men; as hard as this may be to believe, there are many many very good and nice men out there. Yet they are human too, and have issues like every woman may have.
In short, relationships are complicated.
Keep being sweet and soon your circumstances will turn around for you. Hang on to your favorite things. Things get better--they really do!
Oh Your post struck a cord with me. I feel so overwhelmed and scared. I try to count my blessings but it is difficult. I found a guy online and we have lived together three and a half years. He has lots of problems and now we have very little money. I do enjoy his company tho and that has helped me feel less depressed. But it is replaced with anxiety. Great.
Im getting older so I cant really escape with drugs, alcohol or food like I used to because my body says NO More. I love cyberspace and wish I could just jump into my monitor sometimes and disappear. Your post makes me realize Im not alone. I am brave and can take the big steps to survive. Having a job and a partner and a car and a place to live certianly are nice. A few family members who love you helps too and a couple of friends. Seems the more in the hole I get the more I just want to stay hidden.
Good luck to you and write more. Thanks.
Zumi, please don't apologise ... you are not complaining at all. You are hurting ... and it is a good thing that you let us know. We can be here for you .... to listen, to give you a shoulder to lean on, to offer some gentle words of advice if we can. We are here.

I know of the conflict within you ... that if you compare your pain to others that you think you should feel blessed and shouldn't complain ... for I have often had the same conflict within me. But your pain is very, very real and your friend, the wise woman, was very right ... you should never minimalise it or feel that you should push it aside. You are not complaining ... you are in pain. And you deserve to look after you ... to do what you need to help you become the best you can be. So please don't hesitate, Zumi, to look after you ... to seek out others like family, friends, counsellors ... to help you.

And please keep writing ... we're here for you too.