WASHINGTON - Given the unanimous support by GOP presidential candidates for making English the US's official language, the Republican National Committee is arranging tutoring for party candidates at all levels of elected offices.

"This isn't like sex or money where we can have the candidates preaching one thing from the soap box and doing something entirely different off the box," said Demosthenes. "Our rank and file get what we're saying, but those wishy independents will be out the back of the tent if our candidates can't deliver their messages in language they can understand. And then there's the language cops."

"Language police?"

"Yeah, the press. They're rippin' us on some of this stuff," Demosthenes explained. Don't believe me? Look at www.politicalhumor.about.com

"First thing, there are three kinds of gaffes you guys and dolls are making out there," Demosthenes said to the gathered candidates and GOP leaders. "One is mangled English. Two is factually incorrect information. And, the third is telling the truth, such as admitting that you don't care much about the poor.

"The Republican Party can't do this, even in front of our own, if we're going to introduce English language proficiency standards to run for public office. Got it?" said Demosthenes.

"Let's look at this. What election board is going to authorize this candidate to run for office?" Demosthenes added.

A picture of Romney popped up on the screen at the front of the room. "I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that's the America millions of Americans believe in. That's the America I love."

After the laughter died down, footage of the November CNN Republican debate with Wolf Blitzer and Romney popped on the screen:

"I'm Wolf Blitzer and yes, that's my real name."

"I'm Mitt Romney—and yes Wolf, that's also my first name."

"Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't your first name Willard, and Mitt is your middle name?" asked Desmonthenes.

After the laughter died down, a crimson-faced Romney protested that he was being nit-picked.

Demosthenes held up his hand. Up on the screen popped the malapropism queen, Sarah Palin:

"What I mean Sean," she addressed Sean Hannity, "by conditions changing over the year has been a result of that mid-term election and seen that tea party movement independent Americans bringing in new people there to represent us in Congress and yet still not seeing the, the transitional change that needs to take place in Washington as a result of new people coming in that's been a disappointment."

Silence filled the room as the next sequence of Palin popped up on the screen. This was in reaction to Christina Aguilera - who was born in New York and raised in Philly - messing up the lyrics for the Star Spangled banner:

"Unemployment is at nine percent, yet we have to suffer through a performance by a foreigner with a poor grasp of the English language I'm sure Ms. Aguilera is a very nice person, but I just think the American people deserve better than a demanding beauty queen who's clearly in over her head," Palin said.

The long silence in the room was broken by Newt Gingrich:

"This demonstrates beyond a shadow of doubt why I am the most qualified to debate the silver tongued viper Obama."

"Ah, Mr. Gingrich," said Demosthenes, "Let's take a look."

“There’s a large part of me that’s four years old. I wake up in the morning and I know that somewhere there’s a cookie. I don’t know where it is but I know it’s mine and I have to go find it. That’s how I live my life. My life is amazingly filled with fun.”

"A four-year-old in the White House?" asked Demosthenes. "That's unconstitutional, no?"