WASHINGTON - Desperate for an issue that will win it some votes in November, the Republican Party united itself against birth control late Wednesday. 

The fire storm that swept the GOP started with attacking mandatory birth control health benefits as an infringement on religious rights. However, by mid-afternoon a one-upsmanship contest between conservatives had pushed the debate to an argument over when conception begins. 

To that issue, there was no resolution. However, by the evening news cycle agreement among GOP leaders was reached to oppose birth control on the grounds that it prevents conception. 

"It's now a pro-life issue," said Senator Fog Horn (R-MS), chairman of the beast with two backs committee. "Birth control prevents conception, whenever that begins, therefore we are against it." 

Some Republican leaders, especially those engaged in extramarital affairs, argued that abstinence also prevents conception and should be opposed. However, resistance was encountered from other Republican leaders who argued that abstinence was the only shield they had to deflect their wives' demand for sex. 

The Gay Republican Caucus huddled in the cloak room to formulate a platform for relations between members of the same sex, based on the grounds that conception naturally does not occur between same-sex partners. However, that line of reasoning petered out when it was pointed out that the lack of conception in same-sex congress was too close to birth control. 

Withdrawal and calendar birth control methods also are opposed on the grounds they prevent conception. "This opened the door to defining conception as something that occurs in the mind," said Fog Horn. "Before withdrawal occurs, the thought to withdraw, and the timing of the withdrawal, has to be carefully considered, which clearly places conception in the mind." 

The GOP leaders also decided that wives begging off sex due to headaches, periods, and other excuses constitutes birth control. However, if wives produce notes from their doctors confirming their claim, abstinence would be acceptable, Fog Horn allowed. 

"As I'm sure you're anticipatin', this recognition that conception begins in the mind opens the door to some, shall we say, pregnant dilemmas. Our most conservative members believe that a man fantasizing about a woman is the initiation of conception, which raises the possibility of initiation of conception every six seconds. 

"The leadership came down on the position that if the woman is single, and available, then he must first propose to her. If she accepts, leadership is split whether they can then engage in the act of conceiving, which allows life to flow; or whether the couple would have to wait until licensed by the government and church to proceed. It was generally acknowledged that the interval between the fantasy and the wedding day may be too long to expect young men to wait," Fog Horn explained. 

"If the woman is married, or otherwise spoken for," Fog Horn continued, "then she must arrange a relationship with a sister, roommate, or other female, for the young man. Again, holding his seed until such a coupling can be arranged is difficult, but leadership could see no way around the dilemma. 

"Of course, there's nothing to prevent his eye from roaming, and if the rest of him follows, well who's to prevent that path? And, given that he is likely to fantasize about multiple women, there's nothing to prevent him from engaging another receptacle for his seed, but leadership is firm that he is entitled to only one filly. 

"Now, if the woman proposes conception to the man, that's a different matter," said Fog Horn. "This is what we call a fast woman. Reining in the filly in this instance would, in effect, be a form of birth control. Besides, leadership was unanimous in recognizing that the stallion, in this case, is bound to be aroused. To be consistent, leadership decided it would be unfair to step between the two at this juncture. 

"Instead the leadership decided to let nature run its course in this instance, and sort things out only if need be, assuming the stallion can be rounded up if the mare is later found to be with foal." 

Each of the four Republican candidates for president was polled on whatU is likely to be a plank in the GOP platform. 

"Gee whiz. This sounds like more fun than firing people," said Mitt Romney. 

"Who knew conservatives could be so loving," said Rick Santorum.

"Back when I was courting, most canoodling occured in the back seat of cars; so I think the solution is to take the back seats out of cars," said Ron Paul. 

"Now, this is something I could get behind," said a winking Newt Gingrich.

Updated 8:52 a.m., Feb. 10, to include reaction from Ron Paul .